ick

Josie puked a river on my t-shirt. at least I know she has a future as a fashion model

Baby Acne....

Josie is barely 4 weeks old and she already has zits. Well it's baby acne which is just something that happens and supposedly clears up in a couple months. But it just feels bad that she's already got a teenager face.

damn vampire baby

My child is a nocturnal creature. Last night she pretty much kept me up until 5 a.m. I was able to take a semi-nap while watching Ultraman at 2 a.m. The kid did sleep through Matlock - it was the one where he's reunited with Don Knotts. Maybe I just need to have Matlock playing in her room. Normally I can take the marathon night, but I had to wake up to drive Becky over to her office. Maybe I should just black out the windows and fake her into thinking it's dark at noon and then blast light through the bedroom windows at midnight so she gets fooled into a routine

Trash Day

Now I have to remember to talk the trash to the street every week since it's full of stinky diapers. If they sit in the can too long, the United Nation's Biochemical Specialists will arrive to declare I've broken the Geneva Conventions.

It is so stanky. I think possums are writing Congress to investigate our rubbish.

My day!!!

It's my first father's day and Josie is spending most of it sleeping. She didn't even think of making me french toast or buying me a tie.

Prep

This morning I'm awoken to Josie screaming. She keeps going continually for too long, but yet I don't lose my cool. I think all those years of listening to King Diamond have allowed me to be at ease around such prolonged outbursts. Perhaps this is how John Lennon felt while doing take after take of Yoko Ono "singing."

That's the excuse

I believe that Josie got jealous of my relationship with the DVD remote control. She ate it in hopes that she'll receive all the love and attention I give the remote. Baby's don't make much sense in their rash behavior. The hospital says there's no way they'll ultra sound Josie's stomach since the remote control is twice as big as her mouth.

baby did it

I can't find the remote control to the dvd player. I'm blaming Josie

Why Not A Show for Me?

WE has this "The Mom Show" with a bunch of moms talking about raising their babies and kiddies. Where the hell is the show for the stay at home dad? There's got to be more than just me attempting to raise a kid. Why not a show with a bunch of horrified fathers asking those questions like "how the hell is this normal?"

Ahhhhhh

So last night at 4 a.m. my worst diaper nightmare struck. I semi-woke up to change Josie's diaper. I put her on the changing table and undid the straps. After I got the old diaper carefully off, I looked down and realized....well this is what Becky swore I said at that desperate moment, "It's still coming." I won't disgust you with details other than it just was a nasty mess at a barely waking hour. Luckily Becky helped me clean up.

I haven't seen that type of mess since Wendy's shut down their Super Bar.

new from Hasbro

Josie now has Kung Fu grip

luckily she only snags my finger

Lucky day

We took Josie to the doctor for her 3 week check up. Turns out she now ways 7 pounds and 11 ounces. I took this as an omen so all afternoon we've been playing at an online casino. Amazing how at such a tender age, she knows when to double down. Looks like her college fund will get her to DeVry.

the joy of being unstylish

Everytime Josie decides to puke, I'm grateful for my collection of Redsox t-shirts that only cost $4 a pop. I think my really nice shirts will be hidden away in the closet - far from the projectile action.

three cries

these are the simple days when Josie's cry means one of three things:

feed me
change my diaper
let me hear your heartbeat

I fear the day her cry means "let me hold the tv remote." that's the day I might drop her off at the fire station.

Teasing helped

By keeping Josie stimulated for the last two hours before my bedtime, she didn't spend all night staring at me. She slept until 4 a.m. for the feeding/diaper change. And then she fell asleep again. I woke up refreshed instead having "campaign eyes."

While Josie's eyes can't see far enough to see the TV screen, I shouldn't have the volume up while watching the screener DVD of Showtime's old "Hunger" TV series. She doesn't need to hear so much bloodsucking.

Fuss it out

I keep Josie up longer than usual in hopes she'll sleep through the night.

I do want to make her understand that she can walk up in the middle of the night and not just stay up all night staring at me.

I can swap war stories!

Finally I get to say, "well it was like this when we went to the birthing center" instead of merely saying, "Is that how it really is?"

exorcist time

the baby over milked and my t-shirt paid the price

I'm Shrinking

Primitive tribes believe that you can steal a piece of their soul with a photograph. Walking around with a box of diapers and baby wipes is pretty much a signal to others that you have no social life. It's like the guy at the register doesn't even say, "Have a fun weekend" cause they know you're just dealing with a lack of sleep and the smell of baby poop. And they don't even want to mention that much. It's like telling your pitcher, "Hey, you're throwing a no-hitter." Except it works in reverse for the fear. If they kid me about having a newborn baby, their significant other is going to get knocked up.

so now i shop as a complete outcast.

It's that day!!!

This morning we went to the OB/GYN. This was kinda funny since we took that baby along. June 12 was supposed to be her due date. So in a way, we celebrated the doctor who delivered her getting to see her on the predicted day. I kept asking if we could now do the 3-D ultrasound picture of the baby since now she wouldn't look so scrunched in the photo. I was informed that they can't ultrasound the baby after they pop out. That's just wrong.

I'm old

While Becky's putting together her breast pump, I have to get her the cleaned O rings. I mention the space shuttle disaster and O rings. she hasn't a clue

Beats

The experiment last night of just taking the baby to bed when I'm good and ready was a semi-failure. I thought that the power of Jack Lord would put her to sleep. But no. The baby outlasted me on the sofa. Becky had to come down and wake us up to go to bed.

So now we're going to buy the teddy bear that makes in the womb noises to see if it enticed Josie into falling asleep on a space other than my chest. People seem to swear by it.

stomach issues

I know the kid has a tiny stomach so she'll wake up in the middle of the night needing a fix of juice. But she doesn't understand that she can sleep between feedings and diapers. I keep trying to get her interested in the crib, but you can't do much to the crib cause of the whole issue about newborns suffocating on blankets. Maybe if I install a mini-bar and a flat screen, she'll be less prone to whine when dropped on the mat. Although she'll probably complain about us not getting Monster HD.

Why don't kids understand that they must go to bed so that we can be adults for a few minutes before sleep kicks in?

Personality Crisis

I'm really still waiting for Josie's personality to kick in. So far the kid spends most of the day passed out, pooping in her diaper and sucking down drinks.

My kid's a stoner.

Do they have baby rehab? Maybe I can get her booked on Dr. Phil next week? "You can't lie around all day sucking on your mama's teats. The free lunch is over," Dr. Phil would say.

Another tale of the day

Becky sits in the passenger seat of the car. She keeps the pillow over her wet pants. Luckily we hit the beltline before rush hour so there's no completely insane idiots cutting around the highway. We know where to go - the Rex Birthing Center. The problem is we have no clue what's going to happen there. When we finally got a facility tour booked, it was for June 2.

I'm not quite sure of what sort of "package" options they have. Some of these birth centers go out of control with the pleasures. Four star meals, Broadway touring companies and donkey rides could be options. I'm frightened that they'll shift us into the Rockefeller suite with the gold plated stirrups and diamond encrusting puke buckets. Although with my luck we'll get the Clark Rockefeller treatment.

I dump Becky at the front door of the center and head around to the parking deck. She's still not feeling any contractions so I have no need to race inside with her screaming "Medic! Medic!" Instead I slowly walk from the deck with the pressing thought that my afternoons of leisurely working on articles are pretty much over. I'm going to be a dad. I need to start pricing shotguns to keep Marilyn Manson from hitting on my daughter.

Twin day

we're doing our best to let Josie know that she doesn't need to always sleep on my chest. But I was enjoying being a vibrating heating pad. I'm built for comfort. I'm getting jealous of her crib.

While becky's mom watched Josie, we went over to Target. Normally when I go shopping, I rarely run into someone I know. It's like I'm in the witness relocation plan. But on a Monday afternoon I run into two pals. One had his wife and little daughter with him. They were looking for sheets for the girl's first twin bed. The other had just been told his wife is having twins. I guess that's a coincidence. If given the choice, i'd go for the twin beds. I can't imagine two babies sleeping on my chest. I can barely type with one hand.

the day with Josie is reduced to sleep, drink and poop. Once she can surf on the net, Josie will be mini-me with combable hair

New world mom

I don't think that as a baby breastfeeding, my mother ever said, "hurray boobies!" as I suckled.

How it began

So last Wednesday Becky and I visit her OB/GYN in the morning. The check up goes well. Nothing to worry about. They make an appointment for next week. I feel safe in thinking Josie won't be arriving until June 12 - the day analog TV goes away.

Back at home, I finish up writing my interview with director Wayne Wang. It's a tough gig as I attempt to avoid putting "Wang said" next to any quotes that have any "Beavis and Butthead" snicker quality. I file the interview and relax. The phone rings. It's Becky. "You need to bring me a new pair of pants and underwear." After a pause she says, "You need to take me to the hospital." I'm in a complete state of shock with a candy coating of denial.

Luckily I remember to grab the little suitcase even though she didn't mention it.

I arrive at her work and take the elevator up. The doors open and there's Becky holding a pillow over her crotch. She thinks her water broke. Her co-workers help us out to the car. We're not in a major rush because she's not having contractions. There's no "get me to the hospital" screaming or running red lights. I probably could have grabbed lunch at a drive-thru, but that would have been pushing it.

a whole week

it's been a whole week since Josie arrived. She still hasn't finished up her resume. She's never going to get a gig at Trader Joe's at this rate.

for rent

forget a crib, Josie can sleep for hours on my stomach. I really ought to rent out gut space for other families. "The Human Heating Pad" would look good as a Craigslist title.

No!!!!

I was informed by the manager that the kids eat for free at Hooters doesn't involve breast feeding. So much for that place being family friendly.

Henry

David Lynch's Eraserhead makes pure sense now.

He's an influence

Back at the hospital, Josie was napping. My mother-in-law starts cooing over her and asks, "What are you dreaming about, Josie? Are you dreaming about puppies and kittens?"

At that moment, my mind was taken over by Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory." I told my mother-in-law that Josie couldn't be dreaming of puppies or kittens since she's never encountered them in her life. She can only dream about the things that have been within two feet of her since babies don't see that far away. Odds are that she's either dreaming about having blood drawn or us. But no animals since they don't allow pets to freely roam the hallways of a birthing center.