the naptime song

It's Naptime for the Baby
Naptime for the Baby
It's Naptime for the Baby
So she can be well rested
For When Mommy comes home!

I sing this so she's knows it's not bedtime

The Trooper

So I'm scraping the snow/ice out of the parking space before the wife comes home. I bring along the baby to slip around on the wintery surface. As a treat, I give her the snow shovel. She does a little scrapping and gives up. She grabs my hand and tugs me to the front door. I figure we're done for the day. She's had enough of the cold. But no! She gets to the top of the steps and grabs the broom and the car brush. She begins wiggling back down the stairs. She wants to keep up the cleaning. We do a little more in the space before mom comes home.

Sounds like we'll have someone ready to rake leaves.in the fall.

but it's cold!

While taking out the diaper pail last night, the baby insisted she come onto the snow covered deck to "help" me. After a few minutes, she seemed ready to come in, but damned if she didn't scream for half an hour wanting to go back into the snowy, cold night. Why don't babies know that this is how you get sick and thus scream even longer cause they feel bad?

When does self-preservation instinct kick in?

today's Sesame Street had Michael McKean and Anna Farris. This means the baby wants to watch Spinal Tap and Smiley Face this afternoon.

Child's play

nothing says, "Wha?" like the glue that came with the kid's toy box that featured the warning "This product contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause defects or other reproductive harm." Merry Christmas from China!!!

Second Christmas

We bring the baby down for her second Christmas. Instead of being excited to tear apart wrapped presents, she's demanding a cookie for breakfast and then ignores us while dancing along to the end credit song to "Three's Company."

This is the last "quiet Christmas" until she decides to go to Paris for the holidays in 2029.

Too Early

The baby woke up at 4:30 a.m. on Christmas Eve. Had to explain to her that you can't come down and get your gifts from Santa 28 hours early.

She still hasn't a clue about the holiday. Guess we're in for the big shock next year. Is it too late to make her think we're Amish?

The Big Crib

They're showing a special on a nursery unit at a Nebraska prison. Guess my child can't complain that she's been raised in a small space.

it was so much easier to clean up for Festivus when the baby couldn't lift heavy stuff

Look Out

josie tried to drag me into the kitchen while keeping her eyes on Fraggle Rock, she went straight into the sofa arm. She didn't even look at what she hit. Just backed up and kept going while seeing what these muppets were doing.

Weird Viewing

I've noticed the baby seems to stop what she's doing to watch commercials and then she'll go back to playing when the regular programming resumes. I think it's merely because of the freakish music and not her craving to be a rampant consumerist.

At least that's what my bank account hopes.

Can Your Wrap It?

People keep asking me what the baby wants for Christmas. They ask about games and toys. And I'm at a complete loss. Right now her favorite "toy" is getting all three of my pen cups and constantly reorganizing them. Moving pens and markers from the plastic cup to the ceramic cups. Her second favorite game involves shifting around a jar full of buttons. I don't think Toys-R-Us stocks these in the toddler section.

I don't really want anyone contributing to her fun since both activities require constant supervision from me to make sure she doesn't swallow buttons or redecorate the house with Sharpies.

What's that Lassie

While making brownies this afternoon, I learned two things about the baby. First she had gotten into a drawer and pulled out ketshup packets from McDonald's. Without me noticing it, they somehow ended up behind the heel of my slipper. I stepped back and felt the tell-tale pfffffft. The red sauce had shot across the room onto the garbage can and the wall. My daughter looked as innocent as possible as I grabbed a bunch of towels to keep her from spreading the mess.

In my frustration I looked at her and said, "Get the squirty bottle." That's what we have the clean up fluid inside. She bolted out of the kitchen and into the living room. A couple seconds later she returned with the squirty bottle and put it in front of me. She did understand what I wanted. And it was a rather complicated concept.

I felt proud as I finished cleaning. Then I had a fearful thought: What does she know that she's not letting on about?

The open door policy

now that the playpen has been packed up, I no longer have the easy confinement space for when I have to use the bathroom. This creates a new sense of battleplans when nature calls and the wife is away. Lately I've turned on Sesame Street via OnDemand and crack the door. There's probably a proper way to do such things, but the sit and spy method so far works. Although sometimes she will come over and shut the door. She wants her privacy.

Pop

The baby got sick on Monday morning. The nice part is that she was going in for her 18 month check up so we got 2 doctor visits for the price of one. Nothing too dramatic in the treatment. She had a minor fever, smokers cough and snot.

The amazing thing was how she could blow a snot bubble that was bigger than I can get a gum bubble. There ought to be a competition for largest. She could go against Kurt Bevacqua.

no tree

originally the plan was to put up the Christmas tree this year. But after spending an hour at a used bookstore where the baby kept going after the ornaments, it's off the table. The kid is persistent when it comes to getting something. I want to be able to enjoy the holiday season without having the tree fall over every hour.

Time on the street

I've been keeping an Neilsen diary for the last week and it's amazing how much Sesame Street gets played on our TV. It helps that it airs 4 times a day between PBS, PBS Kids and Sprout. At least it's not Dora the Explorer.

Why delay the pain

Since there's no way to reason with the baby, I realize that there's no reason to completely appease her when it comes to wanting something or hating that it's being taken away. She's going to scream eventually. So just pick the moment when it won't matter and take it away. Or the moment you need a distraction to get someone off the phone.

While a three year-old's birthday party, I'm struck by the fact that the baby doesn't have a favorite movie. She did see Gamera, but I'm not sure if she prefers Godzilla. Does this make me a bad dad?

sine your pitty on the runny kine

I fear my daughter has learned English from watching Pootie Tang.

who needs college?

while getting the oil changed in the car, the baby picks through the toy box in the waiting room. Before I can stop her, she's roaming the hallway with a little baseball bat and a red marker and peeking into offices to yelp at workers. It's like she's already qualified to be middle management.

too much

at the library I met 2 women who were friends that had three year old boys and year old twin boys. That was really scary. Should we try for a second? What can be worse than twins? I don't think we'll get Octuplets.

where are the other six months?

I've been informed that the Terrible Twos start at 18 months. What? When did they announce that change? The baby has been having more fits. She's learning how to give me forearm chucks like a power forward popping Manute Bol. I'm baring my teeth more to give her the Raised by Wolves disapproval sign.

good dad tip

Always put the egg nog jug in the back of the fridge so nobody pours it into the baby's sippy cup. Mainly so the baby doesn't whine for the next three hours about how cheap you are with the liquor.

How much?

Mel Gibson's baby-mama claims that each month she spends $1,500 for baby yoga, books and toys. What books is that child getting? Signed first editions of Peter Rabbit? Gold-plated rattles? And what the hell is baby yoga? Little babies aren't good at maintaining positions. Giving yoga to the baby is like leaving dental floss for the Pogues. Even more is she spends $400 for Mommy and me classes. Strange but Daddy and Me classes are absolutely free.

While I will never deny a small child the chance to get a fat ass trust fund off their idiot parents, this is just disturbing and makes me feel like an utter cheapskate with my child.

She said what?

Elia Kazan just got name checked on Sesame Street as part of Abby's magical words.

Lock Up

I've determined that "rhyme time" at the library is the baby version of county lock up on a Saturday night.

time

The time change has really made things weird since the baby seems to have no problem staying up till her old time, but wants to wake up with the new time. It's like this kid can't read a clock or something.

This is partly why I'm fearing the trip to LA with the baby. I don't want to wake up at 4:30 a.m. when she's ready to get out and play.

How to take a Baby to a DC Rally

don't fad out

Now another Hollywood backed parenting program is being launched called Resources for Infant Educarers.

according to this article: the RIE philosophy has spread among parents via word-of-mouth. It has its own tight-knit circle of instructors; its own rituals (the narration of the diaper change); its own spare aesthetic (no mirrors, no dangling mobiles, no Baby Einstein); and its own set of guidelines (no singing, no rocking, no playpens). All of this honors the baby’s “struggle” and builds a more “authentic self,” proponents believe. RIE toys are simple—a paisley scarf, a wooden spoon, a plastic colander—so as to stimulate imagination and motor skills. And baby days are calm; there’s no running multiple errands with the little one in tow.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-10-31/rie-the-celebrity-parenting-craze/?om_rid=DJGW-O&om_mid=_BMzxtRB8Vbq-FQ

You know what this sounds like. My "Raised By Wolves" Babycare Technique.

Those bastards are ripping me off. How dare they think they can do better than a cooler child care movement than the one I devised for my own child! My child's favorite toys are kitchen tools - along with all the stuff necessary to make soccer balls and clothes that are part of a major star's line at Ivey's. I'm coming after Jason Alexander so hard, he'll wish he he'd been covered in Col. Sander's original recipe. 11 herbs and spices topped off with a can of my Whoopass.

that's not a top knot

The baby on the Today show for their costume contest is supposed to be Pebbles Flintstone, but her top knot is so pathetic. she's got like barely three strands sticking up. The mom should have invested in some yarn for a bad wig.

My baby thinks she's a fraud. She knows how to rock the top knot.

Why

Why is it you can tell a baby to not do something and they ignore you. But if you break out the camera to catch them doing it, they immediately stop and act innocent?

how to get kids to like new stuff

While at the library, I noticed how the baby couldn't stop climbing into other baby's strollers. Yet she hates her own stroller. This leads me to believe the best way to have them interested in their new stuff is to "loan" it to a friend with a baby. After a few minutes, you kid will be happily enjoying it - thinking they're getting away with something.

The Old Switcheroo

If you ever want to confuse your child, switch over to the Spanish language Sesame Street. This altered muppet universe features Elmo and Abby, but their Bird is green and there are new monsters. Plus they're not speaking English.

After a few minutes, the baby gave me a look that said, "Why have you taken me to Bizarro World?"

New Game

during the Library Rhyme Time - while Josie runs around the room causing havoc amongst her peers, I play a new game: Mommy, Granny or Nanny.

not that touch

During the library fun, Josie kept going nuts trying to touch the faces of various babies.

Why don't they make protective goggles for babies like Kareem Abdul Jabber used to wear so I won't have to worry about my kid scratching other baby's eyeballs? For all the stupid devices that hip parents buy for their offspring, why isn't this the hot new thing?

Or do I have to go on the Today Show to push it?

That's just Wrong

I keep laughing while watching Sesame Street and Murray the Monster roams the streets of Manhattan shouting, "Bring out your H." It's like a lost scene from Sid and Nancy. Is he trying to score?

she knows a word

I asked her, "Where's your toothbrush?" And she pulled it out from a sofa cushion. Now if she could only tell the difference between the DVD and Blu-ray remotes.

Travel Time

I'm still recovering from our trip to a wedding in Richmond with the baby.

Here's a little tip - the cribs at the Westin hotel have the bars just close enough together so a baby can wedge her feet in them for a over the top escape.

the escape

A fellow housedad called me up with distress in his voice. He realized he had no life anymore. His day was spent taking care of his two daughters and the house. He had no room that wasn't taken over by toys. he realized most of his stuff had either been unloaded at yardsales or boxed up and stashed in the attic.

It's important for a house dad to maintain somewhat of an identity and not turn into some sort of lifeless zombie.

Cheap Halloween Costume #1

Tape slices of Pimento Loaf to the child so she can go as Baby Gaga.

me time

The baby is at that awkward pre-toddler stage where she's mobile enough to do stuff with other kids, but has no communication skills to know what they're playing or tell them how they ought to be doing her way.

Blue's Blues

The baby got upset at the end of Blue's Clues when Steve got on the bus to go to college. How did she know that guy was making a bad career move?

Two all beef patties.....

The baby knows how to deconstruct a Big Mac. Don't ask how it happened, but she had it pulled apart and reconstructed in order of buns and meat together. Chalk this up to goofy things you'll do with a 2 for 1 coupon.

Let Me Cruise

Supermarkets ought to have drive thru windows so I don't have to unbelt the kid to get milk and pork.

That's Missing

How come in "If You Give A Pig A Panacake," the pig doesn't ask for bacon?

Bad Kid Book

If You Give A Zebra a Zero Coupon Bond.

Airport '11

Why do people imagine it's the simplest thing on the world to travel on an airplane with a baby? As if somehow you can just pop them on your lap during lift off and you'll have a quiet ride across the country? Do you know how many kids like to just stay stuck in a seat for 6 hours? And now that it's illegal to dose a kid, it gets worse. Yet somehow everyone has a quick fix when the easiest thing to do is skip the trip and watch the DVD of the event from the peace and mayhem of your happy home.

Runaway Fame

For the second time in her life, Josie has hung out with Mr. McFeely from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. He was making a Speedy Delivery in Durham. She mostly had a fun time racing around the aisles and grabbing books. She also attempted a fireman's carry on a baby around her size. She doesn't take crap from no one.

It is nice to have a new pic of her with Mr. McFeely. It's like her own celebrity growth chart. She's so much bigger this year.

Around and Around

The baby is only in her diaper, puts on my press pass from the film festival and twirls around till she gets dizzy and falls on her butt. I get the idea we're going to have issues with her when she becomes a teen. Or she wants to run off and cover the Whirling Dervishes.

First Come, Always Served

We hung out at the park with two couples that also have young babies. It's amazing what happens when three only-childs get together. It's a fierce power struggle that reduces down to "my parents aren't as reactionary as yours." My child was the one most likely to grab stuff that she didn't think was being properly used and abused.

Neil & Joe Part 1

After watching Julia & Julie, I've decided the best thing to do with my blog to get major action is to link it to a famous person. Since I've been told that giving fathering tips to Rooney is a bad option, I'm going to share advice with father to be Neil Patrick Harris. I've never met or interviewed the guy. I have no clue if he needs my advice. But I figure who doesn't want advice from a stranger? He's got twins on the way so he's going to need twice the meddling tips. But here is the first thing:

A newborn baby cries for 4 reasons.

The first is they're hungry. They have tiny tummies and need them constantly filled. They hate the sensation of hunger since for their existence, they've been pumped nutrients from their mother's system.

The second is they've pooped in their diaper. Now this is a tricky thing because while hungry is the first reason, a pooped diaper is the faster issue to detect. It only takes a quick butt sniff to know. Detecting a hungry baby requires a visit to the kitchen to mix up the formula or heat up the cold milk. So sniff before thinking bottle.

The third is they want human contact. Babies like to be held sometimes. They like the warmth of your skin. Eventually as they grow older, this focuses onto the warmth of your wallet.

The fourth is they want a new Mercedes. Do not give into this desire. Once you cave the first time, the baby is going to use and abuse you.

I hope Neil Patrick Harris and other expectant fathers follow this simple tip. You might want to print this out in glow in the dark ink so you can run down the check list at 4 a.m. without turning on the lights.

Simon?

Driving downtown for dinner, Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" comes on. The baby bounces around in her seat to the song. Oddly enough, she doesn't have the same reaction to any of the non-singles on the Rio record. I'm raising a Top 40 child.

not there

There was an article about the outrageous behavior of kids at the Insane Clown Posse version of Woodstock along with pictures. My first reaction is one of amusement at the decadence and young girls. My second reaction is how do I warn my kid to never go there. Damn this parenting thing

Letters to a Grouch

I mailed my letter for Caroll Spinney thanking him for being a part of my childhood and now my baby's life with his work as Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch. Strange to think that he's been inside a bird and garbage can for over 40 years. I didn't mention how upset I was that Sesame Street exposed my child to Jimmy Fallon. That's worse than taking her to see live Bum Fights.

Smart as a NASA Chimp

The baby was yanking a teapot out of a cabinet. The cord to the waffle iron had become tangled in the handle. After a bit of a struggle, she relaxed the cord and pulled the jammed plug out of the teapot handle. She waved the teapot in a victory celebration. Now I get to live in fear that she understands that sometimes the most direct action isn't the quickest line to success.

Get an extra of their favorite toy

My pal Madelyn did a great little story about the joy of having a back up of your kid's favorite thing to hide away in case they lose the original.

http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-development/attachment-stuffed-bear-lovey-child-bonding/

Damn shame my kid's favorite thing is beach real estate.

Beach Baby

During our vacation at the beach, we quickly learned that sharing a room with the baby is a really bad idea. The child seems to wake up at the slightest of noises that we make. I rolled over and she screamed. Becky slightly snored. The baby screamed. It was not good. When Becky put her in the King sized bed with us, the baby decided to sleep lengthwise so her feet her against me and her head against mom. And the baby farts in her sleep.

We finally gave up and moved to the sofas in the living room letting the baby take over our bedroom. It just wasn't worth trying to do the communal sleep thing.

No Mon

Telling the wife that you're converting the family to be Rastas is not a good excuse for forgetting to shampoo the baby's hair.

shake it up

it used to be easy to entertain the baby by just handing her the little gladware filled with Cheerios. She'd shake it for a while until it was time to feed her a few. Now she knows how to take off the lid. It's like an edible version of 52 Pick Up.

What do the French think?

This morning I give the baby a little banana piece. Barely a nibble and she proceeds to puke like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Except instead of pea soup, i'm getting the milk she drank earlier. And it's not merely milk, it's turned into some sort of internal fused cheese product that smell hideous. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing there ought to be some sort of freaky foodies who have come up with recipes involving "Baby Gut Cheese." I however will never partake in such a meal. Something are meant to be hosed off you and into the gutter. Although if "Baby Gut Cheese" sells for $400 an ounce, I'm putting the baby to work for the Sicko Secret Dinner Club.

After a vacation with children, you need a vacation from children.

Lesson 1 of Raised By Wolves Technique

Treat the child with the level of responsibility that they can really understand. Don't act like your one year old somehow has all the insight and understanding that you do. Don't delude yourself into thinking they are somehow as smart as your five year old dog. They may look human, but they aren't. Don't think a system of reasoning and punishment is going to really work. Distract the baby works better than your five minute rant and threats of time out space.

Although if you want them to understand your displeasure, bare your teeth and growl at them. Then make them stare at a shiny object.

The ultimate thing that comes out of punishing a small child is them growing up to be regulars at fetish clubs in the finest basements across America. Do you want your grown child to pay a stranger $200 an hour to spank them while they wear a diaper?

jealous much?

Neil Patrick Harris has hinted he might retire from acting in order to raise his upcoming twins.

Why are famous people envying my life as a stay at home dad? Sure I gave up my massive career in video production to make sure my baby gets her life started off right. But this isn't for every guy. I've got things working for me. My life of working with bi-polar high strung bosses has made me able to handle the baby's fits. My days in a noise band allows me to tolerate screaming for hours. My ability to zone out while making eye contact is reassuring to the kid. And I don't mind watching Sesame Street at various times of the day.

Does Neil Patrick Harris really think he has the skills? Consider this an open invitation for Neil Patrick Harris to come over to my house for "Joe Corey's Raised By Wolves Babycare Techniques."

One Less Worry

I feel good that I'm still a few years away from worrying about the baby's text message charges.

Name That Tune

For a while the baby has been going "Baaaahhh bahhhh." We kept thinking it was "Baa Baa Black Sheep" so we sing along with her. She gives us an odd eye, but plays along. Last night we're watching Jeopardy when it comes time for the final round. The baby starts her "Baaaahh baaahh" sing-song while the contestants write out their questions. That's right, at 15 months, the baby has identified the thinking theme song. Hope Alex Trebek is proud.

I really can't wait for a new batch of Sesame Street episodes to go into rotation. I keep feeling kinda weird watching the guy from the Del Fuegos singing little kid songs. Not quite as weird as seeing Evan Laurie does the music to the Backyardigans. When will Psychic TV and Danzig score Yo Gabba Gabba?

We did it

So after waking up at 4:30 a.m. and catching odd episodes of "Three's Company" with the baby, I broke down and rented the DVDs from Netflix so I can see the full series. The baby preferred Mr. Furley (Don Knotts) to the Ropers. I think she identified with his amazing fashion sense. She also didn't like the reworking of the theme song in the later seasons. I founds myself disappointed by the end of the show. It was so soap opera and not sitcom.

Baby Likes the Obscure

In the battle of Duran Duran vs. Japan, the baby prefers the artsy moments of David Sylvian to the pop Chic beats of Simon LeBon's band. With any luck, she'll be demanding I play "Gentlemen Take Polaroids" instead of the Wiggles' "Hot Potato." Although all of this is moot when she bounces around to the Three's Company Theme.

The Game Continues

At the end of PBS's "Between the Lions," they announce the show is sponsored by Barksdale Reading Institute. I laugh thinking that the Barksdale crime family from The Wire is now pimping educational programming. Perhaps next week will have Little Jack Horner Defends His Corner as the major book to be read?

Ze French

as the baby begins to speak, I keep thinking it would have been so much better if I'd taught her to speak French at first. Only problem is the only French things I have in the house is a DVD of Last Tango in Paris and the Serge Gainsbourg collection. The last thing I need is a 2 year old running around the house talking like a perverted middle age Parisian. Nothing like having the teacher calling me up to wonder why my child just told her about a torrid weekend in Cannes.

Travelling With Tapes

Just struck me that for any upcoming vacation car trips, I need to make a CD of music that might chill out the baby including the theme to Three's Company. I'm still not going near the Wiggles. Things will be so much easier when the baby has her own iPod for "her music." I'm doubting it'll have much Spacemen-3 on it.

Bonding

I had a major dental issue this week that involved a cracked root in my wisdom tooth followed by an infection. Thus I'm laid up on painkillers. Interestingly enough the baby and I seem to be working on the same wavelength since we're both a bit wobbly when we walk, we start and mysteriously stop things and when we talk, people act like we're not making perfect sense. The good part is that I'm still toilet trained.

not right

When I played the baby an episode of Three's Company from the eighth season, she just stared at the screen since they changed the arrangement.

Babyseat Driver

While driving out to visit the folks for dinner, we got stuck in a traffic jam. I swear the baby was screaming that if she had the wheel, we could get out of this mess faster. She has the scream of Sgt. Carter.

heresy

There are just way too many TV shows aimed at little kids. There are just way too many cable channels. This can't be good to placate kids at their level. My parents and their peers joked about TV being a boobtube babysitter, but outside of Sesame Street and Mister Rogers, most of the crap I watch was intended for older audiences. We had to have a little bit of a mature sense of entertainment. Adam West's Batman was my favorite show at age 5 and it wasn't intended for me.

Sure they claim the shows are educational, but they create a 24/7 womb of targeted visuals. Everything plays at their level. I still like watching Sesame Street because the writers understand that adults are also watching. They make jokes that a 3 year old won't even come close to getting. What 3 year old knows about Groucho Marx on You Bet Your Life (outside of my future 3 year old)?

smile

Bob Probert lives on in my baby's jack-o-lantern smile

Brains!!!!

after feeding the baby a handful of frozen blueberries, I've noticed her mouth and cheeks now have this bluish glow that make her look like Zombie Baby. This might be a good Halloween costume if George Romero comes down.

how did my parents survive with phones that were connected to the wall?

Baby Badge

Some fathers are proud when their baby catches their first ball or plunks away on a musical instrument. I have a smile on my face since the baby picked up one of my old press passes and put it around her neck. She will take over my internet column in the distant future and learn the joy of review copies.

keep it simple

will diaper companies please stop getting too cute with the designs. As a dad, i can insure you that all I want on a diaper is to know what end is front. kids aren't that fashion conscious at 13 months.

Milk Mess

When you switch from formula to milk, remember to don't let the baby hide her old bottle. All must be accountable otherwise you'll pay for it the next morning.

Tell 'em the news

The baby and I went to the nearby farmer's market to pick up a friend's CSA share. I'm holding the baby in one arm while picking a good 3 pounds of little potatoes. She's turned herself around in my arm and proceeds to talk for nearly the entire time with a young couple behind me. It was a full conversation of nonsense words. I fear this baby will turn into a politician or at least a news pundit. I lean toward pundit since that requires less fundraising.

Under There

After a lifetime of daring to keep our trashcan in plain sight, we've converted to under the sink trash can people. We just had to since the baby decided that garbage cans are for putting anything inside them. She doesn't understand the concept of rubbish. Thus we must put it behind a cabinet door with a child lock. She can still toss stuff into the "non-decaying matter" trash can. It just feels so shameful when I have to hide the garbage can. Maybe in 2021 we can free range the garbage can once more.

I Don't Hate Parenting

New York magazine has an article about how having kids don't make married couples that much happy. I agree since whenever someone calls me for a poll, I'm too exhausted to give happy answers.

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

a proper noon

sitting back in my chair, giving the baby her bottle while watching Match Game 74. She will have memories of Charles Nelson Reilly. is that a good thing?

that voice

The baby is now starting to talk using her barely there words. She can go on for quite a long time in a sing song voice. I often think she's secretly learning French when I sleep. although she doesn't give me that much time to sleep.

A second show

The baby now watches Blue's Clues. It's not nearly as painful as the Backyardigans. The nice part is the guy is named Joe so it's almost like they're talking about me. He also looks rather stoned.

Diaper Wrap Up

The New York Times runs an article about how diapers are now being sold to the dad who has "diaper duty." They want to somehow appeal to men by giving us Drew Brees throwing out a baseball pitch or one of the losers from Good Charlotte at a daddy/baby party.

I'm going to be honest and say that I don't want to see other dads pitching me diapers. I want to see a cute mom having to deal with the issue. If I want to see a dad changing a diaper, I can look in the mirror behind the changing table. He's there and he's in smell-o-vision. Gimme a mom that has a clue since I know that a guy pretty much grabbed the closest thing that appears to be working.

I especially don't want to see the payola induced fraud from Good Charlotte with his baby. He's half of a Johnny Bravo when marketing decided they could be pitched as punk to the nation's youth and a ton of money to radio programmers to play their nearly forgettable tunes. They could at least find somebody who isn't having his baby's mama use raising their baby as the excuse for not finishing their DWI rehab program on time. If he's such a great dad, why can't she leave her house for those critical alcohol education programs?

I will be leaving the house on Thursday night to see Dr. No. Shame the baby is too young to appreciate the time Sean Connery faced off against Jack Lord.


http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/23/business/media/23adco.html?ref=business

sneaky

The baby "hid" the DVD remote in the diaper pouch on the playpen. This means the battle of wits has finally begun in earnest.

blueberries

after witnessing what happens to all the blueberries the baby eats, i don't think i can eat a bowl of Boo Berry cereal anymore.

Stars of today

This lame report deals with children demanding cereal because of famous TV and movie cartoon characters being put on the box. They want the Shrek and Dora the Explorer. I find this study rather bogus since for decades we've had cartoon characters on the box. The difference being when I was a kid, the cartoon characters on the boxes were stars in their own right. Cap'n Crunch, The Trix Rabbit and Frankenberry didn't need to be part of a bigger project. Cap'n Crunch's original cartoons were more entertaining than the Saturday morning shows they sponsored. Where's the study explaining why anyone buys anything promoted by a Kardashian?

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/21/cartoon.characters.junk.food/index.html?hpt=C2

what?

This is my second father's day as a real father and the baby acts like it's just any other day. She gives me that "I'm just a baby stare" when I demand she get the kitchen and make me waffles. I cut her slack last year since she'd only been around for a few weeks. But she's got a year under her belt now. She ought to have picked up on the way things work by now.

My Noise

I'm living in mortal fear of the day that the baby demands to hear "her music." Right now her favorite song remains the theme to "Three's Company." I can handle that. She also likes the Happy Mondays. I'm going to have to check under her bed for glo-sticks.

worst time out

Lately the baby has been climbing up on a chair and shaking a lamp. Raising my voice to her has only resulted in her maniacal laughter. Thus I've been forced to resort to time out in hopes she'll learn what's not acceptable in this family. The only place I can put her is in her playpen. Even though it is filled with toys, she screams like I've stuck her in the hot house from Cool Hand Luke. Soon I'll have to torture her with cake and ice cream.

long dark night

at 2 a.m. the baby screams. what hurts is not staying up late to get her to go back to sleep, but staying in the dark room in silence rocking her back to sleep. I'd rather be watching my new Mystery Science Theater 3000 boxset while doing this. But that's the kind of distraction that won't let her fall back to sleep. She's a focused child who fights sleep like a champ.

from my upcoming kid's book

I love the baby
You know this is true
But don't put anything in your mouth
Unless I give it to you

Great Military Disasters

As I watch the child get into living room spaces that I thought were blocked off, I now know how the French felt as the Germans slipped past the Maginot Line. It's no longer a case of blocking. My collections of books and DVDs now must go into evacuation mode. Is there a neutral land safe enough for them?

No Curve

The minute you attempt to guesstimate a timeline based on previous naps is the moment you set yourself up for failure. This isn't physics. This is a baby who knows she'll mess you up if you got real plans to do during her downtime. The minute you think it'll be a short nap, she'll sleep extra late in order to keep you from doing anything outside the home.

that smell

scientific fact: Milk based baby puke smells worse than formula based baby puke.

So much for trends

My lunch break was special in the middle of the week as the baby somehow made her naptime last three hours. I could get so much done like listen to silence and not have to worry about someone yanking my keyboard. It gets so peaceful that I also get to take advantage of the naptime to nap.

sharing is caring

The baby has hit a point where when she'll attempt to stick an ice cube in my mouth after she's sucked down a few. This means I have a future assistant bartender that will keep the drinks cool.

drats

Last night I played "Surfin' Bird" and the baby didn't freak out and panic. She just listened to it. I've lost another form of punishment. Now I need to find a new way to torture her that won't get me in trouble with social services.

Hmmmmm

When a woman keeps going on about how beautiful your baby is, does that mean she's hitting on you for at least a "donation to the turkeybaster?"

why sleeping with baby isn't cute

"The newspaper reviewed 554 autopsies from babies who died from SIDS from 2004 to 2008 and found only 25 infants were apparently sleeping safely, on their backs in their own cribs. More than 380 deaths had at least one unsafe factor, like soft bedding or sleeping with an adult or other child. Another 135 deaths didn’t have enough information for reporters to come to a conclusion."

http://www.wral.com/news/state/story/7732470/

Back with the Baby

We returned from celebrating the baby's first birthday up at the lake. Here's another tip about first birthdays - don't buy them anything for the party. see what the relatives give and get them stuff later. long as you sing "Happy Birthday," they won't know the difference,

what to do for Xmas?

While holding the baby down for her 1 year shots, we sang "Happy Birthday" to her. The doctor's assistant pointed out that there's now a chance she'll associate birthdays with pain. that means we won't have to worry about her getting too excited when she realizes her birthday is coming up. No cries of "gimme." Instead she'll just cower with fear. Now if only we can psychologically ruin Christmas, it will be a peaceful house in the winter time.

happy birthday

it's the baby's first birthday. we're celebrating by having milk and watching Mighty Boosh. soon she gets shots!

How to celebrate

We celebrated the anniversary of our last day with the baby on the inside by going out to a restaurant. Before we could order drinks, the baby had yanked the tablecloth. The flower vase toppled over and soaked Becky's side of the table. While wiping up, we realized this was Josie celebrating the anniversary of breaking her mom's water. And they say kids can't remember that sort of stuff.

Happy Anniversary!

It was a full year ago that I spent my last carefree day not worrying about any baby weirdness. That day I still thought the baby's due date was June 12. Two weeks of peace, quiet and no bottles that turned out to be a LIE!!!! We even went to the OB-GYN for a check up the next day and nobody said, "She's going to make the move this afternoon so don't plan on making dinner."

No Good Night?

For months now, part of the baby's good night routine involves me reading Good Night Moon. It hits me after the 235th reading - why doesn't the little bunny say goodnight to the telephone? He says good night to everything mentioned in the first half of the story except the phone. Is there something wrong with the phone? Is it not permitted to leave the little bunny? I want answers since this problem has been keeping me up at night.

why is it empty?

So I stick the baby in her playpen and her first impulse is to throw every stuffed animal and toy out of it. She's like Ric Flair during a Battle Royale. Of course once the toys are gone, she looks over the top and whines that there's nothing to do while stuck in the playpen.

A Baby-cation

Finally I have a morning free of the baby. And where do I spend it? In the dentist chair getting my teeth cleaned with the sonic screwdriver. Is it wrong to feel a little sense of release with blood leaking from my gums? It didn't hurt that the baby decided to wake up at 5 a.m. The sweet joy of tartar scrapping is less painful on my ears.

tell me this is growth spurt

The baby decided to wake up at midnight and 5 a.m. last night for feedings. She had her bottle and didn't fight going back to sleep. But I'm hoping this is merely part of her needing to bulk up for the next stretch. Otherwise I'm just doomed to sleep in less than five hour shifts.

Time

With the baby's first birthday around the corner, people keep telling me how this must have been the fastest year of my life. Really? Cause there are quite a few painfully long moments that happen between 4 a.m. and 5 a.m. when the baby refuses to go to sleep. There's been nothing short about the last year.

The nice part about taking a baby to the drive-in is that if she gets too loud and noisy, you just have to roll up your windows and nobody can complain.

hmmm

Today Show is reporting a study of kids in Day Care. Supposedly the kids in day care are more likely to act out later in life. This must mean mine will be a perfect princess later in life.

Right now she's shoving giant Legos into the diaper pocket of the playpen. Does this count as a daily activity?

new game

there's now a game of mad dash to the doorway when the baby notices that I haven't stuck up the baby gate. Amazing how fast she is to sneak away. It's like in Ninja Warrior when they have to get under the lift up gates. Except she knows I won't drop it on her. Now to train her for the spider walk.

Sit On It!

Tomorrow night I'm taking the baby to meet the Fonz! I kinda want him to lay hands on the child so that she'll be part of Family Guy's First Church of the Fonz.

ask me

had a fun conversation with a producer pal about his upcoming kid and whether they should go natural or c-section. Strange to think that less than a year later, I actually know about this weirdness. For the record, I believe in at least waiting till the mom really goes into labor. It's natural's butterball popout signal. Babies do things when they're ready to do them. That's just what I've learned from this last year.

the empty cart

So strange to push a cart around the store without Josie in it. I had nobody to talk to while going through the aisles. Nobody to point at other babies for. Nobody to worry if she's dropping her bottle on the floor. Luckily I still remembered her bananas.

excuses

the baby screamed and screamed whenever I left the room while she was with my mother. I hope I'm not raising too clingy of a baby. However during dinner, Becky points out she has a new top front tooth poking through the gums. We'll blame today's outbursts on the tooth and not her true nature.

this might be a bad thing

Today's Sesame Street has Judah Friedlander as Inspector 4 shutting down places that don't have 4 things. Is it right to expose the kid to Judah? And then they follow it up with Jimmy Fallon with Elmo. Why do these guys want to get hip with the toddler set? It's not like they're going to get the kids to be showing up at their comedy shows anytime soon. Babies are notorious for sneaking their bottles into nightclubs.

Maybe next week they can have Ron Jeremy hanging out with Oscar the Grouch. Or maybe this Murray the Monster is secretly Ron Jeremy?

the theme

With the baby's birthday just around the corner, the wife asked what the theme of the party should be. My brother's kid always wants something dealing with "Cars." My short list for Josie includes:

Dolemite
Hooters Waitresses
I Spit On Your Grave
Bernie Maddoff took my Cake
Rabid Squirrels
The Power of Drool
Matches and Oily Rags
Blasting Caps
Cannibal Holocaust

Which theme would the grandparents enjoy the most?

the evil inch

We believe the baby grew overnight since she now has no problem scaling the sofa. She still has zero fear of falling off stuff. She wants to dangle between the sofa and the playpen without noticing that there's nothing between her and the floor. Why isn't there a baby Thrillseekers show on TV?

When she doesn't wake up screaming

The baby was up this morning and didn't scream her head off. Instead she was using the bars in her crib to work out her legs. After we took her to a Strawberry festival where she watched a baby barely bigger than her walking around, she wants to live on two feet and use her hands to carry stuff. She's at determined child which really will make things hard on me in the coming years. I better practice saying "No" in a way that doesn't sound like it'll turn into a "Yes" with enough coaxing.

simple pleasures

the joy of watching the Mr T cartoon on a Saturday morning. I pity the baby that doesn't like Mr. T.

ouch!

my pal Dan went through with having his body waxed on a radio station in order to get his daughter front row tickets to see Taylor Swift and a chance to meet the country star backstage. While this sounds like such a great sacrifice from a dad, Dan had gotten good seats and a backstage meet with Taylor Swift for his daughters a few months back. I think that gets to be the definition of spoiling a kid by having the hair ripped off your ass for the sake of them doing something again.

That's my wallet

The baby was using my wallet as a chew toy. She also kept pulling bills out of it. They scattered across the floor. She's going to need to be rich.

Gimme Three Steps

after Becky's birthday part wrapped up we were playing with Josie on the floor. She made it to three steps before hitting the carpet.

Soon we'll be having her running marathons around the hallway.

Home Schooling Pre-Preschool?

That was a weird question asked of me. Why wouldn't I want to teach the kid the alphabet, colors, numbers and how to program in Fortran? I figure I can also give the kid opening introductions to film theory and appreciation of speed metal of the '80s. Would be nice to send her off to kindergarten with the ability to tell the teacher that she really hasn't a clue about the deeper meanings of "Raging Bull."

they have pre-nursery school. why?

Gotta Dance

Somehow the baby gets really excited when she see people dancing on TV. She bounces around and gets up on her knees. I'm hoping she prefers modern dance to ballet since that means I'll still have to pack a lunch for her.

She's sorta talking

I had a long conversation with the baby today where I hadn't a clue what she said. Lot of little short single noises with a grunt accent. Strangely enough, we'll be repeating this chat in her teen years where I won't have a clue what she's saying. I need to practice my "understanding dad who just wants this to be summarized by mom" look.

live the book

The baby is now in her third set of frog pajamas. not sure why we have this theme since I'm not that big of a fan of Tom Robbins' "Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas." Although she does look cute when nearly passed out with frog faces on her feet.

where did she learn that

I swear the baby is making monster noises when she gets excited. A huffing and growling of joy comes from her. might just have to get her a furry suit so she can go to work on her on SyFy movie - Baby Panda Goes Wild would be a good title

The baby is enamored of John Ritter. First John Ritter flirts with the girl I was hanging out with at the film school opening. Now he's going after my daughter. Even from the grave, he's dangerous.

My interview with the director of The Kids Grow Up

This was interesting since Doug Block had made a film about his daughter graduating from high school which looked back at his home videos of her. I wanted to know what to expect as a father with a videocamera.

Likes Real Fuzzy

So the baby is now watching Sesame Street although the show isn't as random as it used to be. There's no manic little bits. Instead we get these prolonged segments dealing with one topic. Are they trying to give this generation a real attention span? The one thing I've noticed is that the baby doesn't care for the segment in which they use CGI muppet. She'll get glued when real muppets and people interact. But when it's computerized Abby, she's got better things to do with her life.

Daddy's Girl

So yesterday I was merely taking out the trash and Josie stood up against the screen door and screamed at me as I was pushing the trash away. The wife was in the room with her so it wasn't like she was being completely abandoned. I've created a clingy baby....but at least she's clingy to me.

TIP

if you're an expecting father, make sure you buy a digital camera. Every time you dress the baby in a new outfit, make sure you take a picture of them so that you can post them on your favorite photo site. This way friends and relatives will know you used their baby shower gift on the kid.

As if it is always a choice

I'm rather angry at this latest study that goes on about the nature of breastfeeding.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/04/05/breastfeeding.costs/index.html?hpt=T2

It's not that I don't agree with the findings so much as there are a lot of parents who don't have a choice if the lactation process doesn't go completely right. And now here's this Harvard smartass trying to guilt us all as if somehow lactation is as easy as a car seat. So my child is going to die or cost the nation billions because she went on formula. Must be so nice to make such judgments about what costs the nation billions from a university which costs a quarter of a million dollars for a BA degree.

the baby has a crush on Stephen Colbert

another wall has fallen

Josie started crawling onto the coffeetable. I've lost another one of my defensive tricks to keep her out of places. The overturned stool is no longer protection for my computer cords. I should be overjoyed at a child that can't be stop except I have a home that is one big disaster in the making.

I keep thinking how I need to keep the kid on a bungie cord. Let her barely touch the ground and incapable of yanking stuff. But social services have their rules.

So we're watching the show where Brit chef Jamie Oliver attempts to get the fine folks of Hunnington, West Virginia to eat a little better. What amazed me was a scene in the elementary school where these little kids couldn't identify a tomato or potato. They knew pizza, hamburger and french fries. But the sight of a non-processed produce confused them.

I refuse to let my kid be as clueless as them. While she might not know it is a Roma or grape tomato, she'll have a clue that it is a tomato. And she'll know what a potato is. I'm not going to blame the school system so much as the parents of these kids for not taking the time out to either point out the various real foods at the grocery store or maybe they just don't serve them at home. Maybe it is all hot pockets, frozen tv dinners and McDonalds on the dinner table. I don't want to sound like a health nut, but I wasn't completely raised on that crap. Mom served up real food most of the time. I have zero intention on short cutting my own kid's diet with last minute fixes for long term dining.

Before I let her on the bus to kindergarten, she will have to tell me which is a tomato and that the other is a potato.

Gimme Land

We can no longer advertise the baby as Free Range Josie since the first doorway fence has been installed to keep her stuck in the living room. She didn't appreciate us looking out for her.

ouch me noggin

While it's great to have a babysitter so I can go out and enjoy a party, what I really need is a babysitter so i can stay in bed and recover the next day.

growin pain

why is 3 am when the baby wakes up after growing?

Reality Show Audition Tape

Role Reversal

While getting Josie out of her crib, she started shouting "mama." This lead to a weird wondering if she wanted my wife to get her or if I'm the mama.

To Rim

It's the first day of the NCAA tourney and the baby seems less than enthusiastic about it. You'd figured she'd at least be asking me when we're going to get hotwings.

ice pops

it's so warm outside that I can now give the baby ice cubes in this weird mash ring thing. in a few years she'll graduate to freezer pops and have her favorite flavors. Right not she just gets the ultimate vanilla flavor - cold water flavored.

that's not how it works!

So it's "Spring Forward" time which means the illusion of the extra hour. This should mean the baby's usual 7 a.m. wake up scream should come at 8 a.m. under the new clock. But no! She wakes up at 6:30 a.m. that's 5:30 a.m. What is wrong with this child? Why can't she suffer jet lag like the rest of us?

Ah yes

Today will be spent with my two favorites: the baby and the 65" HDTV. Luckily I don't have to declare a favorite.

That Look

Once more Becky has gone on a business trip and the mother in law took the baby up the lake. I fear seeing her since she's going to give me that expression of "I'm not really an orphan?"

clap off

The baby has begun to clap. I sit there teaching her to hold her hands in different positions to sound louder. And then I begin rhythms. She has yet to master "The Kane" = the forced clap that tries to get the crowd to applaud at a horrible moments. She's not quite there, but I think part of that is her not understanding what really stinks.

Don't Call List

at 9:20 p.m., Dan decides to call to give me the business about not being nominated for an Oscar. All I can hear is the baby waking up and screaming her head off from the phone ringing.

Here's a little rule for the 21st century. If you have urgent news that involves a major emergency, you can call after 9 p.m. But if you just want to talk, email me with a phone number that I can call. The ringer must be on your end of the line.

Dad's Day In

In a strange twist, I ended up with Josie at a friend's house with a bunch of dads and their babies. It's strange to watch little kids "play" since most of them just seem into bumping into each other. It was nice to see that Josie is still a social creature although mostly she waved at people and attempted to pull herself up on toddlers that can stand unassisted.

The moms were off at a birthday dinner so they can have a night without the kids. But wait, I'm the one who takes care of the kid all week. I should have had the margurita action. Instead I got to play sport the baby.

Look in the mouth

After months of waiting, Josie finally has a tooth poking up. Just a little chicklet above the gum. She's like a hockey player in reverse.

brooklyn boozy babies

While I enjoy taking the baby to Hooters, I found this article about people taking their babies to bars in Brooklyn disgusting.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/02/brooklyn.babies.in.bars/index.html?hpt=C1

That baby looks twice as drunk as her father. She's probably messed up on fumes from daddy's pint glasses. When I was a kid we had a name for people who took their kids to bars at random hours: DRUNKS. This was a badge of honor to drag a toddler into a bar.

Am I a hypocrite because I take the baby to Hooters and see these Brooklyn parents as losers? No. Because Hooters serves real food. It's a restaurant. I'm not parking my baby's stroller at the front of a bar like it's a kiddie ride at Disney World. I'm not taking my kid to a pure alcohol palace. I don't need adults to worry that their watering hole is being used as a daycare.

Ultimately I don't want my kid jaded by telling others how a certain bar was better when she was 4 years old. This Brooklyn attitude is what created Paris Hilton. Think that Dad in the article wants his little girl turning into an E! reality show star?

not that!

The baby appears to understand how to punch buttons on the cable remote. She's becoming just like me.

Mall Girl

The wife, her mother and grandmother took Josie to the mall this afternoon for a little shopping trip. I swear I smelt Orange Julius on her breath.

Teasing The Baby

Twice we took the baby out for lunch and dinner and both times it was a seafood joint. She had to sit there and watch me eat shrimp without a single one going in her mouth. Damn people who know better saying I shouldn't give her seafood until she's old enough to fish or dangle off a hook as bait.

Ouch

Cats and babies have the same idea on how to walk you up - put their paws on your face.

I'm that old?

The Manchester City - Liverpool game is on. So for fun I go to youtube to pull up the Stone Roses video of "Fools Gold." She's dancing around when it strikes me that this song is way old. How old? If my parents had been playing Rock Around the clock when I was her age - Fools Gold would still be an older song by a several years.

In order to not feel too old in my taste, I hunted down Kei$a's Tik-Tok although I'm not sure what she means by only wanting guys who look like Mick Jagger. Which Mick Jagger? The young guy of "Satisfaction." the satin shirt guy of the Mick Taylor era. Or the elderly guy who only looks young by hanging next to a shirtless Keith Richards?

Why would you think that?

So I mention that I'm a stay at home dad and this person asks, "So you change her diapers?" I told them nope. Either I just let her sit around for 10 hours until the wife gets home or if it gets too stinky, I take her down to the mall and ask some nice lady to take the baby into the restroom to change her diaper - cause what's a dad know about diapers.

So Limited

While scanning the baby food jars at the Harris-Teeter, I noticed how limited they are in offerings. Not one jar listed Babyback Ribs, Lobster Newberg or Chilled Monkey Brains. How am I supposed to raise a child on mushy peas

what would be next

She's getting big, but I can still put her into "hat timeout" when necessary. Basically I just balance her on top of my head for a few seconds. She calms down. But what will I do when she gets too much for my neck. Maybe I should hire a former offensive lineman to borrow his head.

the curse

Last night I felt a certain fear of admitting she was sleeping through the night. Like telling a pitcher in the 8th inning that she's throwing a no hitter, I feared last night would be a darkness of a 1,000 screams. But instead Josie went to bed around 9 a.m. and didn't wake up until 7 a.m. We didn't even have to get up once to put a hand on her. Guess she's catching onto the concept that she isn't supposed to watch Three's Company at 3 a.m.

While I feared I'd miss the wake ups, the sad fact is I've slept through such sentimental moments.

It's working!

For the fifth straight night the baby has been to bed before the Colbert Report. Well she's been to bed before 9:30 p.m. What's more amazing is how much better I feel in the morning from her being on a real schedule.

what's for dinner

always remember what you've fed the baby the day before so you won't be in shock when changing the diaper and then realize it was the strained carrots.

and this is how a memory is made

while sitting in her bedroom reading her a book, it strikes me: someday Josie will say, "When I was a little girl, my father...." I am responsible for making sure that her stories of time when she first begins to remember are worth retelling and giving her a proper moment of nostalgia.

Baby Bottle Massacre

last night was rough as the baby decided to wake up at 3:30 a.m. and keep me up until five a.m. So I'm not quite wide awake. When we get back from shopping, I decide to boil a bunch of baby bottle nipples and the tops to sterilize them. I put them in the pot, set it on high and go in the other room for a minute. The baby is still asleep in her carrying seat. It's so quiet that I just exhale and accidentally take a nap. I wake up to the sound and smell of a catastrophe.

I haven't seen something that nasty in a pot since the junior high cafeteria soup day. The good news is that I was able to save the pot. The weird news is that we'll be upgrading the baby's bottles which is probably a good thing form all the nasty reports I've read about plastics that get used a multiple time.

The smell wasn't so bad since it worked against the nasty pine scenter device that was given to us for Christmas. It leaked under the bathroom sink cabinet.

Away She Goes

we went out to dinner for our friend's birthday. She brought her older baby so we brought Josie. As Josie watched the other baby roaming the floor after the meal, she must have been taking notes. All she has done today is wanted to hold onto things and test her balance. So far she's been hitting her butt like Ric Flair coming off the top ring rope. I fear she'll figure out this walking business by the start of March. It will be March Madness for me.

stand up

The baby now grabs people and pulls herself up on us. She still can't walk so it makes the process tricky since she can't be a tag along pal. I'm becoming more and more of her "walking" therapist. I ought to wear white while training her to put one foot in front of the other and stay in balance.

Step On

The baby has a snotty nose so the mother-in-law bought her baby Vick's rub. Holding Josie in my arms, my first reaction was "Aren't you too young for a Happy Mondays' concert?"

so i get an email declaring:
51 moms will win a trip to Washington, D.C. for the first annual Mom Congress on Education and Learning conference this May!

Why do mom's get a Congress on education? Don't I count? Somehow a stay-at-home dad has no drive for their child's education? Dad's are only good for checkbooks to pay for private school? This is just vulgar alienation in order to justify a cute experience. These are probably the mother's of girls that will get $1,200 tickets for Taylor Swift.

missing her

The Mother-in-law calls semi-unexpectedly at 3 p.m. to let me know that she was coming over to get Josie and watch her till Friday. Seeing how it had recently snowed and was rather nasty outside, I figured she wasn't coming. I almost wanted to just keep the baby, but it turns out she's calling from the road and is a few blocks away. I scurry around getting stuff ready for a few days at grandma's house.

The baby gives me that stare of "what the hell is the point of you not packing?" When grandma arrives, the baby isn't happy. She's crying as pack up her bottles. And I really feel bad. I hold her knowing it'll be a few days until she sees me again.

Normally I'm not this emotional about passing her off, but she's finally saying "mama" and "dada." Lately she's been saying a lot of "mama" since Becky's been away since Sunday. It's strange explaining things to her when I'm not quite sure what she means with her noises. But it doesn't hurt to act like we're talking.

I caught myself wanting to go upstairs to check the crib to see why she's quiet.

But deep down, I need a good night's sleep that ends when I'm damn well ready to wake up.

Eye on the sky - hands free and open

now I'm Josie's father and spotter. She likes to use the coffeetable to get up. I can no longer sit and watch since there's a chance she'll do a header. I keep a hand or foot near hear to bring her down easy if she goes down.

sniff

The baby has a runny nose, but nothing else. This kid hates having her nose wiped. Before I get resentful, I remember how much I hated mom wiping my face. It's not being disrespectful, we're bonding.

At least my mom genes haven't kicked in since I won't spit in the tissue before wiping

Let it Snow

Last night we finally got a real snow fall after too many predictions that went warm. About four inches or so fell after factoring in the sleet.

Saturday afternoon we decided to take the baby outside to experience her first winter wonderland. She was bundled in her mega-warm suit. When I was a kid, I couldn't get enough of playing in the snow. My folks would scream at us for nearly catching frostbite. But Josie didn't seem too impressed. Maybe being completely immobile tempered the experience. We laid her on a patch of untouched snow and helped her make a snow angel. It almost looked like Farrah Fawcett's face when we picked Josie up. Shame you can't put snow on ebay.

Lower the River

Last night we went to visit friends and their baby that's 8 months older than Josie. The two hung out for a bit in the playpen. They must have communicated how to do things because this morning, Josie pulled herself up in the crib and held onto the top rail. Thus we had take the crib mattress down the lowest notch. She looks like we had shipped her off to SuperMax prison at the new height. But it will now take more than leaning forward for her to go over the rail.

I miss my floundering baby, but such is progress.

She also can pick herself up on the coffeetable so my pile of DVDs to review must be moved up. Little babies just can't appreciate Mr. Ed.

No more fancy dining

During lunch at a Mexican joint, Josie decided while chewing on a chip to just puke all over my shirt and pants. Ever have that feeling that you want to look your best in public? That emotion no longer lurks inside me. I mopped up and just went back to my refried beans while she bounced on my knee. I tipped an extra buck even though most of the mess was on me.

Future Genius

While watching Josie tugging on parts of a blanket, I wonder if she'll be this intrigued with String Theory?

I'm not the dad that bought the tickets

What!!!!

kiddie country sensation Taylor Swift is coming to town. Just for kicks I checked stubhub to see how much people were willing to resell tickets to the sold out show. I nearly threw up when I saw quite a few seats priced at $l,200. That's not a typo. They are expecting some parent to pay $1,2000 for their kid to see a twig with a blonde wig. And since you know the kid isn't of driving age, that means the parent is willing to pay $2,400 to make their kid happy. While the seats were on the floor, they were nearly 50 rows back from the stage.

This is for a kiddie act. Did the Monkees ever get $1,200 for a scalper? Did they even get paid that much money per show? I don't think there's any adult act I'd pay that much money to merely see. Once in Atlantic City we were told that New Year's Eve tickets to Cher were $500. My response is for that price, they had better serve me Cher's removed ribs. For that much cash, I expect Taylor Swift to cook us breakfast after she Simonizes my car.

What exactly do you get for $2,400? Your little girl's love until the next Disney sensation comes to town? You could buy an Ompah Lumpah for less. Have we become a nation of Veruca Salts and their daddies? There must be a cash limit on being the cool parent. The kid should have been faster when ordering off Ticketmaster.

I know that when the time comes for tween acts coming to town, I will softly inform my daughter that such a price is completely out of the question. I will also inform her of the evil things Roadies do to young girls that just want a backstage pass. If that doesn't scare her off wanting a ticket, she'll have to pay for it by selling her bone marrow to Yakuza crime bosses.

the bling

sitting near us at the hockey match was a little baby about the size of mine. She wore a Bruins jersey which was cool. But she also had pierced ears. With all the times I have to prevent the baby from doing stuff, I don't need to have her attempting to eat her earrings.

What's the exact point of giving a baby earrings? Is this like those creepy people on Toddlers and Tiaras that make their sweet kiddies look like burlesque stars? Shouldn't there be an age limit on letting your daughter come off as Blaze Starr for an audience of 40+?

I'm still holding to my belief that you shouldn't give a kid earrings until they can afford to pay for them out of their babysitting cash. Saved up birthday cash doesn't count.

On the other hand, if she wants a "Born to Raise Hell" tattoo with the Hot Stuff devil, I'll pay for that.

Discrete chats

While Becky was getting her hair done, I took the baby shopping to kill time. Twice women came up to say what a cute baby I had. Strangely enough neither woman asked about her mom. I didn't get a sense that either were flirting. But it seems people no longer want to ask such things in public for fear of asking the wrong question. Or fear that the answer will lead to an anguished tale of why it's just dad and baby in the store.

Afterward, we returned to Carmen's shop to have her give the baby her third haircut in less than 8 months. Her cousin barely has fuzz after 7 months. Do wonder how long Josie's hair would be without the snips. Would she look like Cousin It's offspring?

oh the horror

why do I end up with the baby who always wakes up screaming? Now when I dump her in the crib after she's passed out, I don't bother turning on the baby monitor. There's no mistaking her shrill when she's awake. And she's always done this so it's not merely the teething pain. She's just a loud waker. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism to ensure that she never has to share a bedroom.

Me and Mrs Jones' Bed

It's 2 p.m., do you know where the mother of your children is? She might be hosting a play date with me and my kid.

When I was a kid, you just went into the backyards of the neighborhoods and played with your pals or future mortal enemies. It's just the social way the world worked. However in recent decades, we've come to evolve into something known as the play date. It's a more formal event with set time limits and the hint of adult supervision. Everything a kid really couldn't care about.

This play date business seems to be created for the benefit of the adults. It gives the mommies a chance to sit back, keep one eye on the kids and share a little grown up talk. There have been reports of a glass of wine instead of joining in on the juice boxes. This seems perfect for the mommies. But what about the stay at home dad? Can he really enjoy the play date?

The answer is no.

For any mother who thinks it is rude that I merely dump the kid off and immediately split, this is being done for the sake of your happy home.

What husband wants to come home after a hard day at the office to find a strange man on the sofa? He's been play dating while you've been working. This is worse than a traveling salesman. He suspects more has gone on besides childsplay.

I'm not going to lie. I have a fantasy about his wife and their bedroom. Of course the fantasy involves his wife watching my kid while I go upstairs and nap on his bed.

If the two of us wanted to have an affair, that means we'd have to hire a babysitter to watch the kids. Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the play date if you're forking out cash by the hour?

He hasn't a clue about the emotional and physical strain of taking care of toddler all day. He somehow thinks that I actually am a gentleman of leisure using the kid as a front for seduction. That my kid is like the Corvette his wife refuses to let him buy. Instead of being a friendly afternoon, this encounter turns into a sword fight. I can't even imagine his questions during dinner when I'm gone.

The real victim of this eventually become the kids when future playdates get blown off for various and lame reasons.

Thus I realize it is so much better to just avoid the awkward nature with a dump and run.

zombie time again

I'm hoping this is all about the teething as the baby refuses to give me a good night's sleep. She nods off at 9 p.m. which is sweet. But she's up at 1 a.m. and then can't resist at screaming me awake every other hour. I give a bottle and rock her for a while. Sometimes that turns into an hour. She stays on the verge of nodding out so I don't drag her downstairs at 3 a.m. to watch Three's Company in the hopes that Don Knott's snazzy fashion vests will shock her into passing out.

There are parents who think it is best to scream it out. But I'm guessing they don't have neighbors or daytime jobs. Maybe they're vampires. Did Christopher Lee's parents do that to him?

that's me

I had to inspect a dvd that featured me talking. when the baby saw me on the screen, she screamed in horror.

if only her dad was christopher lee

Baby On the Move

The child has decided that when she wants something, she can move three times as fast to cross the room. No longer is this a case of a turtle going to cabbage leaves. I can't just sit back and enjoy the molasses action. I have to be alert. I have to remember what's on the floor. I have to actually watch the child instead of taking an educated guess of her location.

Is this the moment I get to wish she was still a baby that couldn't even roll over?

Bottle Chicken

The baby has a knack for falling asleep on my lap while drinking down her formula. The problem is that sometimes the bottle is halfway empty already and I see her start twitch and do her falling asleep motions. That's when I get into a game of bottle chicken. Will she fall asleep before she sucks air out of the bottle and ruin the drowsy spell? It's like that feeling if you can blow off that "last gas station" sign and just coast to your driveway.

Today the game of chicken ended in her screaming when the bottle went dry. Drats.

Are you talking to me?

The baby now can sit in her high chair and contribute to the dinner conversation. Well she mostly makes a yapping sound. But if I somewhat ignore her, it almost sounds like she's telling me how Conan O'Brien shouldn't be such a crybaby since he didn't have the guts to kill Jay Leno and take the job. Isn't that how the host of The Tonight Show was "chosen" during the Roman Empire. She's got an amazing imagination when I'm barely listening to her.

new career

the baby finally figured out how to work her tongue on her lips. She's just smacking away all day. I guess soon we'll be able to rent her to the post office for wetting envelopes.

Dancing at the Hugo Ball

I think she says Dada. But I don't know if she means me or the art movement. We did watch a special about the Dadaists on Ovation channel. I'll know more if her second word is Bauhaus. Kids do like German creative history. I should have named her Emmy Hennings.

Mr Drysdale

So we took the baby to my Credit Union to open up a saving's account with her Christmas money and other funds. At 7 months old, she was offered a chance at an ATM card. Like the baby needs to use the drive by ATM.

The amazing thing is that my parents were really active in wanting the kid to have her own bank account. This is strange since I don't think I had an account until I was almost 12. All my birthday checks were put away for safe keeping when I was in elementary school. I wonder what happened to that money? All I know is now the baby has a paper trail to know if daddy used her birthday and christmas checks to pay for a lost weekend at Hooters.

at least she'll have cash in the bank when she wants to get a pony.

Bad Example

Is it wrong that when I visit with a pal and watch his daughters in action, I kinda use them as an example about what not to do?

The youngest had nervously picked at her lip until it split. She had blood all over her sleeves and my pal didn't seem to notice. It was unnerving since this was at a nice dinner with my folks. You really should control your kids bleeding at such events.

Also didn't help that the kids didn't seem to care about eating food that wasn't in the form of a fishstick or chickenfinger. I don't my kid thinking that all meat needs to be covered in a sugary crust. When it comes to chicken, I shall do my best to at least toss boneless breasts on the Foreman and give her a slice. I don't want to sound like a Whole Foods mom, but I think as a stay at home parent, you should do more than rely on McDonalds as your prime food source.

The thing is a few months ago he was complaining about a massive dental bill on the 4 year old. she's got metal in her mouth already. And then the only three things she eats before and during the dinner are Coco Puffs, chocolate cake and Coke. The dad had milk with his meal.

He promises me that my attitude will change as my kid grows up. But I'm going to stick to it. I'm going to make sure this kid understands that sweets are treats and not staples of her diet.

soaring

sometimes I just grab the baby and carry her by the stomach. Is this where we get that strange feeling that somehow flying is a natural act for us? that once we were like Superman.

going mobile

The baby now crawls although mostly in the army man going under the obstacle course style. She uses her left arm to power drag herself while her right arm steers the course.

Someday she'll get her gut off the floor and then I'll be in trouble. Must hide more cords. This is worse than the bunny in biology class.