Bedtime twist

"I want to go to bed early...in the morning," she says with proper comic timing.

Base

She's only four and wearing a child's 11 shoe. She really does have my feet.

It's gonna be that kinda party

Thanksgiving was a weird blast since it went from less of having a Kid's table to just letting them turn the back bedrooms in my mother-in-law's house into a Lord of the Flies playground. Beds were stripped. Heads were bonked. Toys were found in strange places. But it's all good as long as nobody takes a plate of food into the warzone of screaming, racing preschoolers.

Is that a threat? No really, is that a threat?

"If you do that again, I'll take a raincheck!"

The Humble Child.

"This is my newest masterpiece."

new neighbors

There is a good sensation when a new family moves down the block with kids around the same age as mine. She's not quite old enough to head over on her own, but it's not a bad break to tag along with her. Just have to remember that I don't get a turn on the swing.

Don't touch my weave.

Had our first playdate which ended with a wig yanking incident. I guess Josie is warming up for her turn on RuPaul's Drag Race.

That's an argument

Still arguing with the kid that Fu Manchu is better than the Fresh Beat Band. Someday I will be right to her.

Boooo!!!!

The kid is getting scare of the concept of Halloween. This will not be the year I show her Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Maybe she can handle Delaware Papercut.

a good excuse

The joy of making sure her latest haircut has bangs is no longer fearing she'll have lunch stuck in her hair.

Alternate Medicine

Josie let me know the other day that she's religious about eating an apple for lunch because she never wants to see the doctor ever again. I'll be canceling her health insurance.

Oh Kate.

A lazy morning before school. We listen to Kate Bush and the kid sings along with The Man With the Child In His Eyes. It was the kind of moment that would bring Steven Coogan to tears.

There is always hope for her record collection.

Like Little House on the Prarie

Something went wrong with the cable box so we're without 400 channels. I tried to make it up with Netflix. but nothing seems to want to load or they don't have what the kid wants. We've been reduced to watching Youtube on the TV. Mostly it's videos of her reviewing DVDs. She's loving it. Guess this is the modern version of watching 8mm home movie except with sound.

Don't Whine Yet

Josie's in her "I don't want to go to school" mood. She wanted to stay home and watch cartoons. While this is an admirable quality, she hasn't felt the pain of Organic Chemistry with an inorganic instructor.

That can be an issue

While squeezing into an outfit, she says, "My brain is just a little bit heavy."

Rant of the day

"Video makes me mad!"

Well, do you want to see it.

While Josie watches some Disney Jr show she says, "Oh no, I can't watch!"
"Well let me turn it off," I say.
"Noooo!!!!!!!"

I guess she wanted to watch after all.

Is this illegal?

The shopping cart seat warns it's not for kids over 48 months old and 35 pounds. But her legs still fit through the holes. I hope she doesn't get carded and weighed by the shopping cart police.

A week?

Only one more week until Josie enters 4 year old preschool. Only one more week. And yet it feels like a year away as she whines away the morning. Serenity now.

No Tears Over Toys

I took her to Toys "R" Us which she kept calling Toys "4" Us. Amazingly enough she got one toy that was the amount on her gift card and left without throwing a fit. I need to mark this date for posterity. There, I did it.

Instant Wings for Preschoolers!

"Daddy, I want Red Bull!" demands my 4 year old daughter who has no lacking of energy.

"Why do you need Red Bull?"

"Cause Red Bull gives you wings and wings would make me a fairy!" she deduced.

Thanks marketing genius at Red Bull for allowing my kid to imagine guzzling your "energy drink" will let her be a fantasy character. You've made my trips to the grocery stores just a little bit of bigger headache as I explain that advertising lies.

She said it.

"When I make new colors, they burn like fire."

My child is ready for her own PBS painting show.

Let them scream it out? You need sleep too.

There's a new article out claiming that you just need to let a kid cry it out when it comes to bedtime. While I agree with the premise, the execution isn't that simple. See it isn't about the kid crying it out, it's about the parents trying to get to sleep.

Josie had the most amazing ability to be able to scream for hours. She would take a break and give a false sense of hope that we could get back to sleep. But as soon as you got that drifting feeling, she'd get her next round of screaming started and end it all. There was no way to just sleep through her 140 dB sonic attack. It would be like trying to get sleep during a Nina Hagen concert.

Maybe I could buy this whole article if it also came with instructions on how to soundproof your bedroom so you can sleep through a carpet bombing attack. Social services frowns on parents who put their kid to bed and drive off to the nearby Holiday Inn Express for a good night's rest.

Shopping Cart Blues

Just realized at Aldi that you shouldn't put a kid in the seat part of a shopping cart past 48 months and 35 pounds. Josie is past each of those benchmarks. I still remember the shock of having to no longer just rest her in the cart using the carrying case. Now another trauma for me as I lose my ability to restrain the child at the supermarket. Now I get to live in fear of all the lower items at the checkout.

What?

Josie just requested I rub salt in her eyes. I don't think she gets the concept.

Doc McStuffins medical quack kit

Dear Disney,

My daughter eagerly bought your Doc McStuffins' medical kit with her birthday money. Now she won't stop whining to me that its broken because her toys don't come to life when she plays with the medical kit. Why won't her toys tell her what's wrong with them? Will you please send a representative to my house to explain that you sold her bogus medical supplies that aren't the ones she saw on TV? Do you like to bait and switch the dreams of children?

Sincerely
Dad who is tired of explaining why you fooled his daughter

Really?

So I'm trying to get Josie excited about getting to meet Weird Al on Friday. He's signing his kid book. So I tell her that Weird Al knows The Aquabats during breakfast. This leads to Josie telling me that TV people aren't real people. While this is amazingly insightful for a kid to know that TV "friends" aren't real friends, she's so wrong on this one. There is really a Weird Al and he knows the Aquabats.

That might count?

Still waiting for the Father's Day morning when the kid wakes me up with a sloppily made breakfast. This morning she did bite off a piece of her banana and gave it to me. It's like a Planet of the Apes Father's Day for me.

Gift for a non-gifter

I have yet to see the kid steal any money out of my wallet to get me a "World's Greatest Dad" coffeemug. If this keeps up, I'm going to hang a photo of Murray Wilson over her bed.

This isn't from me

Where does a child get the idea for Ninja Hiney?

Look in a Book?

Have to agree with Dead Spin that Super Why? is way too complicated for its own good. "What do I need to do?" Do you really need to resort to a word jumble for a solution?

Eternity

I had to explain to the kid that she has to wipe herself with toilet paper every time she goes to the bathroom. She gave me this look like I had just doomed her to a punishment of the Titans.

When is My Real Day?

Today's Mothers Day. This means I get to hear everyone babbling on about all those things mom did for them. As a stay at home dad, I do a lot of those dirty chores. I've changed more than a dozen diapers. I've had to kiss a lot of booboos. I've had to make dinner many a night. I feel kinda weird knowing that I grew up to be a mom.

Sure I didn't have my bodily organs stretched all out of proportion for the miracle of birth. But I've changed diapers. Father's Day just doesn't cut it for me. There needs to be a Stay At Home Dad Day. Although that is any day that a relative takes the kid for an overnight visit.

What have I done?

The child is now addicted to the zebra milkshake at Chargrill. This is all my fault. I'll have to send us both to rehab. Shall we get to share a room with Lindsay Lohan?

Wuggles

They fired the yellow Wiggle and replaced him with a woman and then the red and blue one retired so they've now got two guys they found at the pub wearing their shirts.

This is traumatic.

Forget the winter business

Took Josie to get her haircut for swimming pool season. Had it snipped a bit short so now she looks like Arya Stark. 

Summer is coming!

Who at the Onion knows me?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/cool-dad-raising-daughter-on-media-that-will-put-h,26132/

Cool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her Generation

I'm just going to say that this is not me since there's no reference to Roxy Music, Brian Eno or Kraftwerk. 

No coffeecup for you

Sometimes I read these articles about bad parents so that I can feel good that while I might not be the perfect parent, at least I'm not listed in this article.  Josie won't be rapping about guns and drugs on Youtube until she's at least old enough to buy her own -- I mean never.

http://mom.me/parenting/2481-10-parenting-fails/item/reach-stars-just-not-one/

Quote

"You're a fixer, daddy. You fix everything." Kids really know how overestimate your skills.

The Coup

Josie informed me that we need to "Break the rule of Mommy." Turns out she didn't like being told that she couldn't have a cupcake before bedtime. For this she turned up the rebellion. This kid is going to be a troublemaker like me. I suspect our phones will be tapped soon.

She did get upset when I told her that was also a Daddy Rule. I've sold out to the man.

A good mix

The kid goes to a Methodist preschool that we adore. Why? Because this month they're learning about dinosaurs and Easter at the same time.

Shopping on cable

"I want a unicorn Tummy Stuffer" is today's big demand. Blast you Hub and your weird stuffer.

Blech

The canceling of school turned out to be a good thing since Josie puked twice this morning. Things work out for a purpose. Sure there was no snow, but I didn't have to worry about the teachers dealing with Josie projectile vomiting in the classroom. It's easier to deal with a mess if you don't have shame in your eyes.

Hate the Weather

Because Josie's preschool has a few teachers with kids in public schools, the bad weather policy runs off the public school delays. If the county closes, the preschool closes. If it's delayed an hour, there's no delay. If they delay for two hours, Josie gets to go to school an hour later. But tomorrow the county is taking a three hour delay. This means preschool is shut down since it would barely last 90 minutes. Grrrrrr. Stupid Groundhog is getting a St. Patrick's Day beating from me.

Will You Be My Friend

Josie was upset today after school cause a girl in her class wouldn't be her best friend. She swears the girl sang her the "no no" song. I need to get a recording of this before Taylor Swift turns it into a hit.

That's Just Wrong

Just saw this Taco Bell ad where this dad goes for a walk with his baby daughter strapped to his chest with a baby bjorn. They have a bunch of women staring at the baby, but the dad acts like they're checking him out. I've got no problem with that. It's cool. But then he goes into a Taco Bell and orders their new burrito. He heads back on the sidewalk eating the burrito and nothing is falling on the kid's head. That's wrong. That kid ought to be coating in drippings of meat, cheese and other thingies. Or he should have to make a napkin hat for the baby. Burritos are messy foods.

This ad features no warning that you might get this burrito on top of your babies hair which will lead to your wife kicking your ass. Take that warning from me since it's obvious Taco Bell doesn't have your health as their concern.

Here's the video

The big flop over

So we got her a booster seat instead of a car seat. She likes it since it does make her feel almost like a big girl. I swear when I was her age, my parents would throw me into the back of the VW wagon and didn't care about seatbelts. People knew how to travel back in the '70s.

For the last few months, she's refused to fall asleep in her car seat. Now that's she's in the booster seat, she can't stop falling asleep. This is fun since she pretty much looks like a rag doll with loose stuffing as she flops around on the ride home. I'm less concerned and more jealous at her flexibility.

How old am I?

Josie keeps asking if I watched Disney Jr. shows when "daddy was a little boy." How do I explain how I didn't see Little Einsteins when I was a little boy on a the portable DVD player in the car? I do what I normally do and lie. No need to shock the system.

Matching Game

Josie points out that we both have bones in our elbows so we match.

The price of Med School is going to kill us.

Can it kill me?

The child is back to watching Dora the Explorer. Boots the Monkey keeps staring at me as if he's ready to kill me when I fall asleep. I don't trust that monkey that has to wear boots yet no diaper.

Devoted to me

Josie's teacher said that this morning, the kid asked her classmates to prayer for me since I shouted at her. She left out the part that it involved her screaming when she wouldn't go to bed at 10 p.m. and I took away her magic flashlight? The teacher did ask, if I asked her something and she didn't listen to me. Josie confessed that might have been an issue. Good to know someone is sticking up for me.

Although it is good to know she's praying to me and not finking me out to social services.

Fear of Disney

How do you explain to a kid that you're not taking them to Disney until they're old enough to ride everything that matters. It's going to be loud enough when she gets done with a ride and wants to go again. I fear the meltdown when she can't even get on a ride.

Guest Stars

Tonight we discussed "Waiting for Christmas." Josie insisted one page is devoted to the Power Rangers fighting. The price of the production has just soared.

Novel idea

Josie informs me that she's working on a book called "The Waiting for Christmas."

"It will have pictures of sun and snow." We're working on the plot.

That strange feeling

I wake up this morning and have this strange numb feeling in my foot. I figured this was from sleeping funny so I try to walk it off on the way to the bathroom. The sensation doesn't change. I panic slightly and look down to see the problem. One of Josie's Sleeping Beauty stickers has attached to the top of my foot. I peel it off and feel normal.

Kids are bad for your health.

Doc sickens Dora

Doc McStuffin is now a bigger hit for pre-schoolers than Dora the Explorer. Well it doesn't hurt that it seems to play every hour on Disney Jr. with Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Of course both shows pale next to the biggest show watched by pre-schoolers: Breaking Bad. Kids like the blue.

You left your kid where?

Thanks to the guy who left his baby at a strip club in Florida, I'm not the worst father in the world this week.