Slacker Dad

Future Jobs

2012-02-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

There's something weird when the toddler can say, "Accidents happen" with the calm and sincerity that makes her perfect to be a PR Flack for a destructive and secretive industry.

The Punishment

2012-02-01T16:29:00.001-08:00

This family is being evicted because their toddler makes too much noise. We wouldn't have been evicted because of Josie, we're be hung family style.

http://realestate.aol.com/blog/2012/01/31/family-faces-eviction-over-toddlers-noise/?ncid=webmail9

How much?

2012-01-29T06:32:00.001-08:00

Looks like New York City is about to have preschools that cost $40K. The preschool cost will be higher than sending the kid to Harvard. And admissions might be easier to Harvard. If only Harvard didn't have the Potty Training rule next to the swim test, I'd be sending my kid there and skip preschool.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/nyregion/scraping-the-40000-ceiling-at-new-york-city-private-schools.html?_r=1&hp=&pagewanted=all

Winter Wither

2012-01-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

Josie wakes up at 4 a.m. wanting to go outside and make snowmen. It's been in the 60s and 70s the last few weeks. There's no sign of snow for the next week. Hate to burst her bubble, but she's got a better chance of making a dirt man. This is going to be the winter that she won't remember.

That's how I think of it

2012-01-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

So the new issue of Parenting touts how to make your child the next Steve Jobs.

Really? They want my child to inspire Chinese laborers to jump out of windows instead of making her electronic devices?

For Your Protection

2012-01-23T15:13:00.000-08:00

Why any sensible person who wants to have kids get Lasik surgery? Do they not understand that their shatter proof glasses are their only line of defense against things your kids don't realize can blind you?

Bad Examples

2012-01-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

I've been warned to not sing the following lines to the opening of Thomas the Tank Engine:

Thomas is going to burn in hell
for the secret he can't tell

don't need preschoolers repeating it.

Wha?

2012-01-20T13:58:00.000-08:00

Even though the kid knows words, when she gets upset and excited, she'll just ball them all together and raise the volume to 11. It's rather cute to me since my days at the Cat's Cradle has damaged my hearing. But I've noticed other people get unnerved by her dB levels.

Can't you guess?

2012-01-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

While we're shopping at Trader Joe's, the PA plays the unmistakable voice of Jimmy Somerville. So I ask Josie if the song is from the Bronski Beat, the Communards or Jimmy's solo recordings. She plays dumb.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a father.

The answer was "Tell Me Why" by Bronski Beat. How can she can't know that?

Joy of Napdrive

2012-01-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

The kid and I hit the road for our afternoon drive that normally inspires naptime. Normally a single lap gets her to konk out and I can put her on her bed to sleep for a couple hours. This tripshe's extra noisy and animated in her childseat.

"I'm a kitty," she says. "Meow. Meow." She alternates with "I'm a doggy. Arf. Arf." She keeps this up until she says, "I'm Cinderella!"

I break my code of silence and bark out, "How about being Sleeping Beauty."

My suggestion is ignored. We do two laps of the neighborhood before I give up. There would be no naptime today.

Esoteric

2012-01-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

The best place to test to see if your kid like odd foods is the free sample table at Trader Joe's. Can't believe the kid liked carrot juice. Although I'll test it a second time before buying a carton. When do they cycle through the samples?

The Tree

2012-01-02T11:15:00.000-08:00

Slowly we're taking the tree down in the living room. It's a fake one so there's no real fire hazard. But I just sense we're losing control of The Santa fear in her. She doesn't seem too scared when we tell her that if she doesn't stop something there won't be any Christmas since it's a year away and that's eternity for a kid who can entertain herself by putting her finger in an internet connection for 10 minutes.

Hands off the Bird!

2011-12-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

Mitt Romney declared that if he's president, Big Bird will be covered in advertising like a NASCAR racer.

Disgusting.

Is there nothing this man can't touch with his greedy corporate hotdog stinking fingers? Maybe we should stick advertising on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Would Mitt like Brigham Young pushing hot dogs and boner pills on TV? Or would that be wrong to him?

Big Bird is a sacred figure in American life. Big Bird is more respected than any politician.

Corporations are not people. Big Bird is not Mitt's whore.

It's over?

2011-12-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

Now I can't put the kid to bed with the Christmas music channel. Now she's back to turning the dial to the gangster rap action.

Carols for the new kids

2011-12-23T08:21:00.000-08:00

If you want to get the kids excited about the holiday, why not share a little King Diamond with them?

Memories

2011-12-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

I'm already missing my 3 1/2 hours of silence when the kid is away at pre-school. Memoriessssssss.

Christmas' War on Me

2011-12-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

So the preschool has shut down for 2 weeks for the holidays. What holiday can there be that doesn't give me my sanity breaks? Scrooge had the right idea.

Gimme the Mic

2011-12-16T15:56:00.000-08:00

Josie did more damage to her Preschool's Christmas Pageant than an roomful of ACLU Lawyers. She became obsessed with the microphone that was left in the manager. She would sneak away, grab it and attempt to sing. It was turned off between introductions so there wasn't too much damage that way.

What stunk was I had so many people blocking my view that I won't be able to win all the cash at America's Funniest Home Videos.

Santa torture

2011-12-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that it feels so right to threaten the kid that Santa won't be visiting if she's bad? I've become a parent.

Instead of coal, I prefer to say that if the kid doesn't act better, all Santa will bring is her 4th Glow Worm doll.

Great Debate

2011-12-09T05:48:00.000-08:00

Josie and I had our first big argument - who would win in a fight between Super Martian Robot Girl and Word Girl? She said Super Martian Robot Girl since she's super, from Mars and a robot. But Word Girl is the right answer. Word Girl actually fights villains whereas SMRG discovers her enemies are merely misunderstood. Also Word Girl has Captain Huggy Face - and we know that monkeys are vicious in a fight.

Coffee Mug Time

2011-12-05T05:33:00.000-08:00

Here I was thinking Josie's temper tantrums that include screaming at the top of her lungs and throwing stuff around the room was merely her preparing to be the greatest regional manager ever. Leave to NPR to pop my bubble.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams?sc=fb&cc=fp

Warning Notices

2011-12-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

The kid immediately grabs a plastic box, climbs inside and puts the lid on top. The side of the box warns about kids not using it as a playtoy, but why didn't they write it so that a 2 year old will get the message?

For those panicked parents, we didn't allow her to seal the lid.

Ick

2011-11-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

I hate getting sick and not being able to blame it on the kid. What's the point of a germy urchin if I get sick from other sources?

Just give up

2011-11-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

As soon as you get a game plan on what to do for the next two hours - be prepared for the most unexpected of disasters. Kids know how to derail a day without even thinking about it.

Her Vocabulary

2011-11-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

Josie calls bendy straws "Freddies." Why? Cause I let her watch way too many episodes of HR Pufnstuf. It's Freddie the Flute to her. Although now I think she's going to turn cockney on me with her own code words to get past the coppers.

Thanks for nothing Rat

2011-11-26T05:53:00.000-08:00

Lately Josie can say, "I can't" for nearly an hour at a time. Where did she get such an attitude? We traced it back to Donald Duck on Mickey Mouse's Funhouse. So the big takeaway of the Disney CGI relaunch of Mickey is not a can do spirit, but an excuse not to try. Way to let me down by allowing her to latch onto the negative. From Yo Gabba Gabba, she sings "Don't stop. Never give up." So right now, Mickey bad. Freakish creatures from a Devo universe are good.

Punishment for whom?

2011-11-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

The best form of scaring the child is to look her in the face after she's been bad and announce, "Keep it up and you're not going to be an only child."

2011-11-16T19:22:00.000-08:00

So her new scam to get out of going to sleep is to bound out of her bedroom and shout, "Good morning, Daddy!" As if somehow her ruse will make me ignore the pitch blackness outside and let her stay up until she finally just passes out.

I'm not that dumb...yet.

Quiet

2011-11-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

Day three of solo parenting is less painful. It only took a 14 minute battle to get her dressed for pre-school. I should have looked up nudist preschools to make life easier.

No more faking it

2011-11-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

Josie is asking about Christmas. She now has expectations.

Read to Me

2011-11-11T05:26:00.000-08:00

AVN superstar Sasha Grey showed up at a first grade class to read them a book or two. Is there like a website where you can beg her to show up at your kid's preschool so she can read "The Little Train that Could?"

http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/sasha_grey#tab=most_recent&id=103526

Nick hates Daddies!!!!

2011-11-09T11:19:00.001-08:00

Nick Jr. is now going to give 4 whole hours to Mom programming. Really? NickMom? Where is NickStayAtHomeDad? Where is our Nickelodeon? It's not like we just wait till the kids go to bed and then watch a marathon of Spongebob while huffing ether. Maybe I want at least a four minute segment called, "You're still a man even with the stench of babypuke on your sweatshirt." How about a show called, "How your college degree relates to diapers." Or maybe a special from Michael Lohan, the Kardasian mom and the Culkins on how to exploit your kids for fun and profit?

Of course there is already programming for dads - it's called Californication. I'm counting on Hank Moody to say there's a life out there.

NEW YORK–Nov. 9 2011–Nickelodeon, the number-one entertainment brand for kids and the top TV destination for moms, is creating a brand-new, multi-platform destination just for today’s moms: NICKMOM, a prime-time, advertiser-supported nightly programming block on Nick Jr. and a convergent web site. Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. are already the top viewing destinations for moms, according to Nielsen Media Research; and one out of every 4 moms today grew up watching Nickelodeon themselves. Nickelodeon is creating NICKMOM in response to original research with today’s moms who are younger, more diverse and more tech savvy than prior generations, and who are looking for entertainment outlets that speak directly to the experience of their lives. These moms say they want entertainment content that is focused on comedy, helps them relax at the end of the day and ultimately celebrates being a parent.

The NICKMOM block on Nick Jr. will feature a mix of original long- and short-form humor-based programming, including talk shows, stand-up and sketch comedy, hidden camera and more. The TV block will air nightly from 9 p.m.to 1 a.m. (ET) with two-hours of original content and a replay immediately following. The NICKMOM TV block will launch in 4Q12. The NICKMOM web site will debut Monday, Nov. 14 as a blog on Nickelodeon’s ParentsConnect.com--Nickelodeon’s web resource for parenting advice and community—and will feature editorial franchises and video. The NICKMOM site will then evolve into a robust, mom-focused humor site complete with editorial, photos, videos, gaming and community next year.

“Today’s moms who grew up with Nickelodeon have a renewed relationship with us through their kids, and now we have something for them as adults in NickMom.” said Cyma Zarghami, President, Nickelodeon Networks, a division of Viacom. “This generation of moms is very different than any one before it and we are very excited to offer a destination that is unique in today’s entertainment landscape with content that taps into the Nickelodeon’s comedic DNA.”

With more than 30 projects currently in development, the NICKMOM block will feature talk shows, docu-series, stand-up and sketch comedy, hidden camera and game shows and more, emphasizing the kind of comedy moms say they enjoy most – relatable, ridiculous and irreverent. Development deals are in place with Eyeworks USA(The Biggest Loser); Mad Cow (Madeleine Smithberg, co-creator, former executive producer of The Daily Show); actress and author Annabelle Gurwitch (You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up; Fired!; Dinner & a Movie); and Emmy award-winning Hugh Fink (head writer, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson; and writer, SNL); among a host of others.

Well in advance of its TV launch, NICKMOM already has acquired two charter sponsors: General Mills; and Reckitt Benckiser.

Outside of the block’s mom-focused content in prime time, Nick Jr. will remain the premier commercial-free network and online site where preschoolers can gain key curricular knowledge in a curated and organized environment. Through interactivity and narrative, Nick Jr. and nickjr.com help kids learn early literacy, social studies, basic math, science, movement and art skills, through the top preschool shows on all television like Dora the Explorer, Bubble Guppies, Go, Diego, Go!, Yo, Gabba, Gabba, Max and Ruby, Team Umi Zoomi and more.

Nick Jr., home of the top educational preschool programming on television, currently reaches 73 million households via cable, digital cable and satellite TV. Nick Jr. is like preschool on TV, with educational programming both on-air and online at www.nickjr.com.

Nickelodeon, now in its 32^nd year, is the number-one entertainment brand for kids. It has built a diverse, global business by putting kids first in everything it does. The company includes television programming and production in the United States and around the world, plus consumer products, online, recreation, books and feature films. Nickelodeon's U.S. television network is seen in more than 100 million households and has been the number-one-rated basic cable network for 16 consecutive years.

New Naptime

2011-11-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

I hate the time changes cause it throws off when to have things happen. Right now it is noon which until Sunday was 1 p.m.. That was the time to take Josie off for a quick knock out trip in the car. But since she has daycare that doesn't get out till 12:45 p.m., I don't want to her to konk out quite yet. I need to at least wait till 12:30 p.m. to strap her in the car seat. Why must Congress make the clocks work against me?

Fashion fights

2011-11-07T08:55:00.000-08:00

Why does a child scream, "Wait a minute" when I try to dress her? You'd figure she'd still be fashion neutral, but somehow she can't stand certain patterns. Someday she'll be screaming at me for wanting her to wear my old band t-shirts. "Daddy, Bauhaus is so 20th century!" And I'll remember cranking my Model T for the night I went down to the Cat's Cradle to bump into David J.

It's a good thing

2011-11-02T14:41:00.001-07:00

this morning when Josie was hanging off me like spidermonkey, I really missed her being in preschool...for her educational benefits.

2011-11-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Dropped Josie off at the preschool. She seemed well adjusted when she scampered into her classroom without me. Right before I left she was screaming. I'm hoping she gets over it quick cause I'm really enjoying being in a quiet house and not fearing that something is going to smash.

Bedtime treats

2011-10-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

While tucking Josie into bed, she grabs my neck tight and screams "Open sesame!" This is what I get for letting her watch Dexter before she was a year old.

injected fate

2011-10-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

The child is obsessed by Barbie. I thought I'd have until she was 4 before this phase kicked in. I'm stuck putting little clothes on plastic. Did I mention I have 2 college degrees? Neither involves mini-clothes for little women.

School Days

2011-10-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

We've decided to enroll Josie into a pre-school program for 2 year olds. The class is only twice a week for a little over 4 hours. She needs to get a little more used to social skills and realizing how to share since I've created a bit of a holy terror. We found a place around the corner and took her over for a visit.

While you always hear stories of kids crying and clinging like spider monkeys, Josie just ran into the classroom, took a seat and started coloring a picture. She pretty much forgot we existed. She also didn't pay much attention to the teachers until they announced circle time. That got her excited since we read about it in a Blue's Clues book. While we talked to the head of the pre-school, we let Josie head over to the music class to see how she'd do with us gone. Once more, no issue except she wanted her blankie. Even then she didn't complain that long. She went nuts when we had to take her home.

I ought to just send her to West Point now.

More lies being spread by Big Toy Inc.

2011-10-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/10/18/8381786-kids-under-2-should-play-not-watch-tv-doctors-say

Kids under 2 shouldn't watch TV? So toddlers should miss out on the new episodes of the Walking Dead and Dexter? What are we going to talk about at dinner if they're merely playing with their toys?

Understanding her

2011-10-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

"Good idea, daddy" is now her favorite words to do her bidding. She's learning how to make things sound like your idea. What a planter.

Prepare to meet your maker

2011-10-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

While tucking in the child, she started playing the "make up" game. This means she takes a pillow, screams make up and hits me in the head. It's my own fault for letting her learn about slapstick at 6 months old. This time after a few pops, she grabbed the pillow with both hands. put it over my face and let her full weight push it down. In the darkness, I had the strange sensation that this is going to be my future when she's ready to collect my life insurance policy.

Although in a positive light, if I ever end up like McMurphy, she'll be my Big Chief to put me out of my misery.

Already working th system

2011-10-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

I ask her if she had knocked over the waste paper basket.

"Prove it," was her quick reply.

I'm in for a world of pain.

figured it out

2011-10-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

We've been calming down the kid with dose of Caillou before bathtime. I think I've figured out what is really happening. See Caillou is the only bald kid on the show. Even his dad has a full head of Rick Springfield hair. The truth is that Caillou is sick. Everyone seems really slow and nice cause he's on thorozine. It's all through his eyes.

I'm not complaining cause it does chill her out.

Putin

2011-10-04T04:40:00.000-07:00

The toddler calls herself Josie Bean which makes sense since that's kinda what we called her after referring to her as Butterbean while she was an unknown gender. But what's interesting is that she calls us Mommybean and Daddybean. I think she's figuring Moneyball is about us since it tells the tale of Billy Beane. Hope she doesn't wonder why Brad Pitt isn't coming for Festivus.

Turn it Down!

2011-09-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

She has figured out how to turn on the stereo in her room, twist the FM dial and blast the volume. I walk into her room because she's overwhelming the house with Cher's "Believe." She's twirling around and laughing. She's transformed her bedroom into a gay disco. Soon I'll find passed out tweakers in the front yard. And that's where I draw the line.

Truth

2011-09-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

The person who said, "Silence is golden" didn't have a toddler in the house. Silence is the moment before hell comes down.

Packed classrooms

2011-09-22T06:34:00.001-07:00

They started up the toddler program at the library - it's now called Storytime with two books read during the session. This would be good if Josie could sit still and look at the pages. The classes as more packed than the summer session so we have to show up earlier since I don't need Josie being melted down maniac when she can't get through the doors.

She doesn't understand the be quiet in the library rule. They must not have libraries where she comes from.

Don't Wear Out My Name

2011-09-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

Josie has started calling me Joe. I do my best to correct her to call me dad, but she gets this gleeful look when she knows she's doing an adult thing - like when she grabs a steering wheel or demands to watch Breaking Bad.

Human Tornado

2011-09-16T18:58:00.001-07:00

I survey the damage to the family room with not an inch of carpet exposed beneath layers of toys, drawing paper and little chairs. How can such a small toddler cause so much destruction. Then it hits me, she's had 13 hours to focus on it.

that's why

2011-09-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

Science claims that a man's testosterone levels drop after the birth of their child and further go down with longer exposure to the child... What a horrible father's day gift. And here I was swearing the baby was merely draining me of the will to live by staying up till 5 a.m. not so long ago.

Fashion addict

2011-09-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

The kid has completely enthralled in wearing dresses with butterflies. Not sure what made her so hooked, but it makes me do the laundry faster so it's a bad thing.

The Times They Are A Changin'

2011-09-08T05:35:00.000-07:00

After waking up at 7:30 a.m. on Monday and Tuesday, Josie has taken to waking up up at 6 a.m. How can our genes have created a morning person?

copyright

2011-09-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

I fear Disney lawyers are going to kick in our door to inform Josie that her Little Mermaid toothbrush is not the blue mermaid from Team Umizoomi. She must cease mis-identifying the Little Mermaid or they will get a court injunction and sue her down to her Minnie Mouse training panties.

to the potty!!!

2011-09-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

the potty training isn't quite working out right. doesn't help that she says "no no no no" to whatever you ask. oh well. i know soon she'll get the hang of it. This is the child who figured out how to work a dvd player already.

Victory

2011-09-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

While putting Josie in her car seat, she started singing "Fish Heads" by Barnes and Barnes. I nearly cried at the beauty of this moment.

2011-09-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

Why can't I be woken up when the terrible twos are over?

Damn you social services

the eyes

2011-09-01T21:17:00.001-07:00

Never let the toddler lock eyes with you when she's drifting asleep. They gain strength knowing you want them snoring.

2011-08-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I swear the kid is playing dumb with me. I think she knows exactly what I'm saying and will keep up this front until she hits 40.

a man's brain

2011-08-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

Why is every song I hum from one of Josie's kiddie shows? I need to hear Hall & Oates "Maneater" to get it stuck in my head again.

Bad Timing Break Throughs

2011-08-21T05:02:00.000-07:00

The kid now understands the concept of names. She said, "Name is Josie. Name is Mommy. Name is Daddy" while pointing. All this was great except it happened in church. It's a start towards her attempt to be a three year old preacher and get her own show on TV like Marjoe Gortner.

heels should never touch the ground

2011-08-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

The kid likes to walk around on her tip topes and declare "Big Josie."

I've raised a stripper.....

A Clue

2011-08-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

why does it creep me out that in the middle of the night during a pitch black moment, Josie shouts out repeatedly, "It happened!" Is she like a psychic creepy movie child? Are zombies about to eat me? Why can't she elaborate?

Not quite yours

2011-08-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Today Josie attempted to upgrade her "blue mermaid" toothbrush for a mermaid doll by trading with a little boy at the pool. Trouble is the doll didn't belong to the kid. But that didn't stop her from waving bye bye at the toothbrush and splashing away with her temp toy.

Royalty

2011-08-15T13:02:00.001-07:00

Until further notice, the toddler shall be called Princess Josie. Let the kid watch one episode of Toddlers and Tiaras and she gets an attitude.

who is in the well?

2011-08-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Josie has spent the last five minutes shouting, "It happened!!!" She refuses to explain what happened. This is like trying to talk to Lassie - if the dog knew a little English.

The Future

2011-08-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

The Hooters Casino just filed for bankruptcy. What hope is there now for kids to have reliable jobs in 16 years?

little pool time

2011-08-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as a heard "No" when it comes to a toddler approaching a kiddie pool. Why do I delude myself thinking there is an adult understanding when it comes to such things.

2011-08-05T20:13:00.001-07:00

You know that moment when you swear the kid has fallen asleep and then someone decides to call after 9 p.m. with news that could have been emailed? And then the kid snaps out of drifting asleep and I'm stuck with another hour of working her back down till she passes out?

Well I'm keep a list of who does it and I'll be returning your call as soon as your toddler is making the transition out of the crib.

Unpacking and Repacking

2011-08-05T05:19:00.000-07:00

Should I really be singing Wheels on the Bus with pigs, monkeys and cows as passengers? Am I making the kid think we live in Hooterville?

who bought her all these toys?

2011-08-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

As pick up the massive amounts of toys that Josie have spread all over the family room, I start thinking that I should cut back on buying her so much stuff....until it hits me that we have pretty much only bought her a glow worm doll. It takes a Village to raise a child and that village has a Toys R Us next to the well.

Ahhhhhh

2011-07-31T05:41:00.000-07:00

You know what's worse than getting Hall & Oates "Maneater" stuck in your head all day? How about the Wiggle's "Where's Jeff" song. Oh the pain, Will Robinson. The pain.

The only good news is that the other day I left the TV on PBS Kids and "Barney" started. Josie ran up to me demanding I put on Pufnstuf. I almost cried at the beauty of her rejecting the creepy dinosaur from Dallas.

2011-07-29T08:10:00.001-07:00

what more frustrating than moving with a toddler? It's unpacking with a toddler who swears they know where stuff really ought to go.

2011-07-23T14:17:00.001-07:00

so far putting Josie to bed in the new house has been 0-2. If there is any Paranormal Activity 3, I pity the demon living in the attic since they're getting no rest.

2011-07-18T08:28:00.001-07:00

Josie got into the fridge and demanded cold pizza for breakfast. It's like she's already a college sophomore.

It's like Liquid Sky 2

2011-07-17T05:26:00.001-07:00

When did the dog from Blue's Clues and Maisy become female? Why did I think they were guys? Shouldn't a blue dog be a boy? Or at least be in need of mouth to mouth respiration? And how come Maisy mouse never wears a dress? Maybe the next book should be "Where Is Maisy's Gender?" She's like the It's Pat of rodents.

2011-07-14T05:08:00.000-07:00

Gerber is asking everyone to return all banana baby food expiring 2012; they may contain pieces of glass. Please copy and paste for all moms and babies safety..bar code 761303308973

so this wasn't a Crunch Surprise Banana flavor

2011-07-14T04:55:00.000-07:00

This Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show is being an influence on the kid. She started demanding green apples cause that's what they were counting on the screen. Why can't this show be a positive influence like explaining why naptime matters or how to clean up her crayons that are all across the living room floor? Mickey Mouse has his own agenda - it'll probably end with the episode instructing them how to bring down the Helter Skelter.

sleep.....

2011-07-14T04:48:00.000-07:00

why does this toddler insist on waking up at 6:15 a.m.? And coming into my bedroom? I know that in a few years, she's going to be furious when I have to wake her up at 7 a.m. But I will have to fight the urge to remind her that this is merely payback as I throw her on a school bus and head back inside for a mid-morning nap.

Anxiety

2011-07-11T05:05:00.001-07:00

for those who thought Josie would grow out of her ability to scream like the kid in "The Tin Drum," that day hasn't arrived. She's letting out 120dB shrills. And doing it more frequently as she can't figure out the two house situation. We keep saying that we're not leaving her here, but she can't grasp it. Oh well. Just feel bad for the dog next door.

state of Nancy Grace

2011-07-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

The good part about the Casey Anthony trail outcome is now I can threaten the child that we're going to move to Florida where bad little kids don't have their gruesome murders avenged.

I'm disturbed that a group of adults can have a champagne toast for getting freedom to a woman who lied for a month about the fate of her toddler. I understand that somebody has to represent even the most guilty of killers, but you don't have to take glee that you beat the system.

boom goes the fireworks

2011-07-04T20:53:00.001-07:00

is it wrong to tell the toddler that the fireworks are bad kids being put down like Old Yeller?

Success

2011-07-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

Josie said, "Servo!" while holding my little plastic Tom Servo figure. I'm overwhelmed that at 2 years old, she knows her Mystery Science Theater 3000 Bots. Soon she'll be arguing Joel Vs. Mike.

Where's this Show?

2011-07-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

How come TLC doesn't have a show about fixing up a house with a toddler on the loose? It's the perfect recipe for cinematic disaster. Josie means well, but she can't do too much with a crowbar except destroy the wrong wall spot.

don't get out

2011-07-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

I miss it when the baby could just stay in her carrier case. No matter where I went, it was click out, visit the store and click her back in. Now that she's merely strapped into a car seat, i dread having to make quick stops at stores.

A few years ago, I was disgusted by certain businesses having drive thru lanes. Now I'm all for it. I want everything brought to the window for me - milk, liquor, dental work. I just hat unstrapping her knowing it's going to be a pain to get her back in the seat in a few minutes.

2011-06-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Josie runs around the living room in a diaper while wearing her tiara. We're going to have a major crisis with this fashion statement.

2011-06-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

when the baby slept in her crib, I could fall asleep on the sofa watching TV during Becky's business trips. But now I can't since I need to hear the creak of Josie's door opening at 6 a.m. so she doesn't attempt the stairs so early. I miss being a creature of habit.

nap?

2011-06-27T09:58:00.001-07:00

In a miracle moment, Josie climbed on the sofa and fell asleep. Her leg is dangling off. I'd slide it on the cushion, but I swear it's tempting fate.

Urban Tales

2011-06-24T21:43:00.001-07:00

Like Bloody Mary; if you repeat the name of a sleeping baby, they will magically appear.

Ready for the Wheel

2011-06-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Josie can recognize several letters including "J." I figure if I work on her skills, I can have her working as my copy editor by the time I wrap up the WalMart Greeter book.

How can she not like destruction?

2011-06-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

We're tearing apart the family room of the new house yanking off old paint and wallpaper. You'd figured a child in the middle of the terrible twos would have a field day yanking, but no. She suspects we're trying to put her to work.

sleep weirdness

2011-06-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

When putting Josie to bed, I find myself intrigued by the new things she has to say in the dark. I want to know what's really going on and if I can make sense of her words. She speaks with fractures of nursery rhymes, TV phrases, odd stuff we've said and then perhaps jibberish. I almost don't want her to go to sleep, but that defeats the whole purpose of putting her to bed.

No mug

2011-06-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

I was informed that Josie didn't make it down to buy me a "World's Greatest Dad" coffeemug. In it's place, my wife has promised to change all the diapers on Father's Day. I'm tempted to wake up Josie and feed her blue berries for the next three hours. Is that considered evil?

Missin'

2011-06-17T03:17:00.000-07:00

Since it's impossible to put Josie in the crib since she can climb out, we have to help her fall to sleep in her big bed. This means one of us lays next to her until she's completely snoozing. Wednesday night was a complete disaster since every time I thought she was lights out, she would wake up with my shifting to escape the room. It got so bad that I missed nearly the entire game 7 between the Bruins and Canucks. I got downstairs just in time to catch the last few minutes the Bruins finally winning the Stanley Cup. While this was monumental since the Bs hadn't clinched the title since I was a little kid, I wasn't going to run upstairs and wake the baby so she could see it. I'll just lie and say I did. Isn't it good enough for her to catch the highlights on the 6 a.m. SportsCenter?

Last night I ended up falling asleep at the same time she nodded out. How can I be so sure? Cause she didn't try to scream "Wake up Audrey!" By the time I woke up, I had missed the Redsox-Rays game. Since Daily Show was a rerun, I just went back to bed in my bed. Thus when she woke up at 6 a.m., I was ready to feed her instead of coaxing her to sleep another hour.

Damn this child for attempting to convert me to being a morning person.

Evil Teaching

2011-06-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

During Josie's b-day weekend, my brother-in-law decided to "teach" her how to scream "Wake Up, Audrey!" and poke people until they do. He did it often at the cabin to Josie's cousin Audrey. This is just pure evil since it's all Josie likes to do now. If you're barely slumbering on the sofa, she'll race over, scream and shake. She won't stop till she sees the white of your eyes.

You know how hard it is to get a little nap around here? And now she's turned it into her excuse to make everyone stay up as long as her? Today at 4 a.m., she came into our bedroom screaming "Wake up Audrey!"

I'm planning my revenge. His child will learn something that will be of equal destructive power. Perhaps I'll just teach him to shout out their PIN number while at the bank?

my worst nightmare

2011-06-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

Josie has figured how to escape her crib. Today was the first time in over a year where the weekday naptime is a fail. I miss my two hours of sanity.

Why does the government refuse to let me stick her in a giant dog kennel as a crib? Why do they want to make me the bad guy cause I treat my kid like a waif in a Harry Potter mean parent story?

Bronx Cheer

2011-06-06T12:24:00.001-07:00

We took Josie to see the Pawtucket Redsox play the Durham Bulls. She didn't care much, but she got to watch Oki in the bullpen. She was more excited about playing in Wool E. Bullland. it's the bouncy house jungle gym insanity. The joy of her time inside was when she went up against the mesh and booed at a dad wearing a Yankees t-shirt. I was so proud of the baby. Someday she'll be able to say, "A-Rod, you suck!" Then the tears will flow as I'll be the luckiest dad on the planet.

Time Traveller

2011-06-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

Josie is now addicted to Sid and Marty Krofft's The Bugaloos. It's about a quartet of singing kids with wings. She loves her small puppet people. I do fear when she hangs out with little kids they're not going to have a clue what she watches since these shows are older than their parents.

Life and Death

2011-06-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

Saturday up at the lake we celebrated Josie turning two. It was fun with lots of her relatives up for cake and ice cream. Once more I remember the rule of waiting until afterward to buy her things since odds are high someone will give it to her. We had lined up a tricycle and it turned up thanks to her grandmother. It's kinda like that crummy "The Secret" book except your wishing for someone else to get something.

The day after the party Becky decides to tell me that our pal Barron has killed himself. Normally such news would sadden me. Except Barron had been a mess for most of the decade with his drinking and constant talk of suicide that it was as if she said Barron had renewed his subscription to Sports Illustrated. But then she hit me with the uglier news that he might have been dead for nearly two weeks in his foreclosed condo. As Josie sat on my lap while we stared at the lake, I realized that I was in a good place. That I couldn't cash out at this point because the kid needs me. She might drive me nuts, but never insane.

Noggin

2011-06-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

Took Josie to her two year check up. Turns out she is of normal height and weight. But her head is in the 95th percentile. She's got a melon on top. I think this is the reason why she identifies with the cast of Super Why.