Free Stuff is Nice

Becky has returned from Dana's house bearing gently used gifts. We're pretty much going to have all the elements for the baby's room. Crib, rocker, little bathtub and diaper trashcan. Wow. This means we'll be able to register for the Josie really needs: A 72 inch 1080p High Def TV. She has to see the Banana Splits in actual size to get a grasp of the world.

Scrubbing bubbles

Babies are easiest to clean when they are still in the womb. They can't squirm their way from the soap in the shower.

Dream smaller

Someday I find myself thinking about things I'll be doing with Josie. I worry about various things around the house. It seems like a rush of weirdness coming straight at me. But then I calm down by remembering that for at least the first six months, she'll be laying around, gurgling, crying, drinking and having to have things be brought to her.

And then what?

Blue Cross sent us a book called, "Caring For Your Baby And Young Child: Birth to Age 5." That means that Josie is on her own when she turns 6. Guess that's when I'm supposed to turn her over to the wolves so she can grow up in the woods.

One of the tips is "Make sure to reserve some special time each day for you and your older child." Can I substitute my inner-child?

name game

They had an article about how people with certain names might have a better chance of being criminals. I wasn't able to find out the chances of Josie being linked to a felony. Good thing I didn't go with Ma Barker.

Eight is Enough for others

The news keeps dealing with the woman who just pumped out 8 kids. I feel like such a lazy bum only having a single child on the way. Although I'm guessing Becky has a different view of things.

Do you think anyone at the woman's hospital codenamed her "Octopussy?"

Baby Blather

A girl?

What do I know about raising girls? Sure maybe I don't know everything about raising a boy. But at least I was a boy all those years ago. And I have two younger brothers so I know what they did and how we were raised. But we didn't have girls in our house. We just had mom. And that doesn't count.

What do I know about girls? If I had a clue about women, I'd be on my third marriage by now.

The good thing is that Becky has promised to deal with those women issues when it comes to Josie. i won't have to take her bra shopping, feminine napkin shopping and mustache waxing. Although I'll help her fill out Cosmo quizzes.

it was funny, really

The mother-in-law didn't enjoy my joke that I was looking forward to using my daughter's employee discount at Hooters.

Is it wrong that I can only see that as a growth industry in America? Besides being a Road Warrior scavenger king.

The name game

Why did I get a girl? All the "Old Wives Tales" science had us pegged for a boy. I can only blame myself for proposing to name the child Josie - What kid wouldn't want to think they were named after a Steely Dan song? And I enjoyed Alma since besides being the name of Becky's great-grandmother, it's the first name of Hitchcock's wife. I allowed the Butterbean too cool of a name that it had to go for the girl gender.

If I'd said, "Eunice Blanche Corey," the Butterbean would have grown balls to dodge that bullet.

Hello in there!

We go to the clinic to get the ultrasound. Becky is out of it so much that she can't remember what floor we need when we get into the elevator. But we get there in time. The woman running the ultrasound is really nice to us and doesn't mind me cutting up. We quickly see that the Butterbean is growing well. The heartbeat is normal. She even has a brain. It's amazing what you can see in an ultrasound. I really ought to get one of them to use on the dryer and find out where the socks go.

When it comes time to playing "spot the gender," The Butterbean isn't a help. The bean is sleeping on becky's cervix. It refuses to budge. We can't tell although the woman suspects. I keep finding myself poking Becky's stomach in hopes that it'll stir the baby. But no! I swear this kid better sleep this soundly on the outside.

This has to be revenge for us not coming to see the Butterbean last week when we were snowed in. Already bratting out on us. We go off to see the doctor. We can have a second attempt at ultrasound afterward.

During the waiting time, Becky semi-dances in the lobby and bounces around. She attempts to wake up the Bean. I suggest we get mainline a bottle of Red Bull into her gut. The doctors don't think this is a good idea. I bet when they were in Med School, they didn't have Red Bull to know if it really works. But when Bec gets back on the examining lounger, the Butterbean is still asleep. I put my lips on her belly and blow hard. The force of Tuba tone doesn't stir the kid.

But after scanning around and going at weird angles, we finally get visual confirmation.....

Josie Alma is now the name of the Butterbean.

it's a girl.

I blame this on Becky for wanting to go to Chargrill instead of Snoopys for lunch. The woman working the ultrasound points out the baby's "Hamburger." We could have had hotdogs!!!

I'm not bummed out that it won't be Joseph IV this time around. I look at the bright side that in a few years, I'll be able to take advantage of Josie's employee discount at Hooters.

Getting Ready for the Ultrasound

The nice thought is that after the Ultrasound, I'll know which half of the Baby raising books to read. Or at least which half to not feel guilty about skipping.

Last Night of the Unknown Butterbean

Tomorrow we're scheduled to get our first true peak of Butterbean with its private parts exposed. It'll be a strange release to not have people tell us what they think we're going to have. Granted that most of the infuriation of the guessing game was hearing certain people insist it will be a girl. Not that I'm not going to go have the same reaction as the citizens of a certain internet blocking country if it's a girl. Cause if it's a girl, I know my mom will be the first to spoil her. If it's a son, the kid will learn fast how to be a lefthanded sinkerball middle reliever so he'll only have to throw six pitches ever three nights for the next 20 years. Got to think of the kid's future.

So tonight I will kiss Becky's tummy and wish Butterbean a good night. Tomorrow night it will have to hear its name through a tuba burst on becky's bellybutton.

Practicing the look

During dinner at a steakhouse in Middleburg, this kid at a nearby table starts acting up. He's probably 7 months old. No real word talking. His father puts him over his shoulder to calm him down. While the kid looks at me, i take a moment to break out my "Don't even think about it" stare. The kid gives me a puzzled look. It sort of chills him out. then he laughs.

Back to the drawing board

Sick Children

The commercial are pushing kids with colds and flu. How am I supposed to survive a child with tons of germs? And now they say don't give them children's medicine. I'm guessing the best way to relieve them of their aches and pains is ether. At least it will keep them asleep until the fever breaks. Is that treatment approved by Dr. Mom? I've got at least a decade of worrying about the sniffles.

I can't remember how sick I was as a child since I was good at faking it. I hope Butterbean doesn't inherit my tricks. I'd hate to have to bust him for not being as good as his old man.

When do they smarten up?

Hung out with a 9 month old kid. He didn't seem to do too much. Those kids are so self-centered and lazy while waiting for their first birthday. Shouldn't a child of that age be studying for the SAT? We didn't have too much in common. He was a complete letdown as my partner in Trivial Pursuit. I figured he could at least get a few sports questions. Acts like he was born yesterday.

15 minutes down

While in Charleston, I watched a 3 month old baby for 15 minutes. It didn't do too much. She laid on her back and stared at a mirror on the play space above her. She bounced her legs to classical music put through a synth toy. She smiled. It wasn't that bad. Now I only have to figure out what you do with a baby for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes. Wonder what a 3 month old baby will do when exposed to Motorhead's Ace of Spades - the album, not just the single. Can Lemmy cause babies to explode?

Snow days?

I really do need to get on the homeowner's board to get the front of our house properly guttered. Our front steps are pure ice and that's not good for when the Butterbean arrives. Kids don't understand slickness.

It will be nice to have a small kid during snow days so once more I can have an excuse to play in the snow without looking like an overgrown, immature man-child. Amazing how much you can secretly get away with doing while using a kid as an excuse.

Butterbean remains the Butterbean

We wake up to a few inches of snow on the ground. The OB-GYN is closed so our appointment with the ultrasound has been postponed. That means it'll be another week before the Butterbean gets a gender recognition and a real name. Oh well. The worst part will be in about two hours when all the relatives call trying to find out how things went.

Becky said that according to her information, Butterbean should be six inches long and dreaming. What can the Butterbean dream about? Perhaps he dreams about the tuba noises.

Less than 24 hours or maybe not

Tomorrow we do the ultra sound that should reveal if Butterbean is a boy or girl. I'm rooting for a boy simply because I won't have to worry about him being addicted to High School Musical crap. The only problem is they're now calling for more than a couple flurries falling overnight.

During the cruise, Gran really hated us calling it Butterbean. "That's going to stick," she kept saying. But I know that after we discover the gender, we'll be calling the Butterbean by its future name. Figure it's good to get it used to being scolded properly in the womb.

Books on the pile

I'm starting to feel guilty that I haven't been reading the books about what to do when a baby shows up. They're piled up near the desk. But they do scare me. I get this idea that I can cram read the books while Becky's in labor. Kinda like how I pulled off that C- in Chem 101. I should have hunted down a used copy that's been pre-highlighted. Maybe there's a Cliff's Notes version of "What to Expect When Your Expecting?"

Baby's First Cruise

We went to the Bahamas on a Christmas present cruise. Having to watch parents roll their kids around the deck on strollers, I've determined that baby's are best a 4 months in the womb. They are so much quieter. You don't have to pack to much. Butterbean will be lucky if I take him to the street corner before he turns 21.

Hmmm

They had a baby's birthday outside the Today Show. Should the Butterbean turn one with Al Roker patting his head? That could be good luck. Although if Willard Scott comes near the Butterbean, the baby would be cursed for life.

name that tune

instead of merely "talking" to the Butterbean, I've taken to putting my lips on Becky's belly and blurping out a song. Mostly it's Motorhead's Ace of Spades since that's an easy one to play. Figure the kid needs to get toughened up to the Lemmy songbook. The strange thought is that this musical experience might make the kid fascinated by the sounds of the tuba.

Diaper ugliness

Dana going on about kids fascination with feces. I don't recall my mother using these stories of poo to torture me with the "Do you know what you did...." Hopefully the Butterbean will be grossed out by the whole thing and demand diapers to be changed immediately. I'll be teaching it the sign language for that. We won't be painting the baby's room just so it doesn't end up like Bobby Sands' old cell.

When Mr. Mom's hang out

Why is it when I imagine taking Butterbean over to visit pals who are also stay at home dads that putting the kids in a playpen will turn into the baby version of pitbull fighting? Should I be laying down bones with DMX at some point during such an afternoon adventure? Need to teach the Butterbean how to go for the knees.

Hmmm

For a girl, I could almost get away with Quincy Rockford Corey

Star baby name

If I had to give my kid a goofy Hollywood baby name, I'd lean towards Mannix Banacek Corey - if it's a girl. Otherwise it's Matlock Cannon Corey.

is this a good idea?

After Dana's extended talk about little kids and feces, i'm pondering buying a gas mask to reduce my desire to puke. Would wearing a gas mask scar the Butterbean?

Conversation can get more disturbing

I guess there is something worse - talk of kids and diarrhea. What have I done? What was I thinking. I'm just going to stick the Butterbean in a hefty bag with the legholes taped tight.

Ouch my ears

Not sure what is worst - a dentist describing root canal or women swapping tales of stretch marks. Need to make sure becky has plenty of lotion rubbed on her each day.

A Day of Discovery

Becky just informed me that the day Obama gets sworn in as president, I'll find out the true gender of the Butterbean via the ultrasound. Why does all this stuff happen when Lauren Conrad is out of town?

the dice are loaded

we're hanging out with pals that have two little girls. The wife informs me that no matter what you wish, the kids pretty much emerge from the womb with their personalities fully formed. You don't do too much shaping them in that department. So I'm pretty much screwed with the Butterbean. The only thing I can do is scar him for life with freakish bad images of chimps in suits.

sounds of the time

I hope that by the time the Butterbean cares about such things that the Jonas Brothers are over. I'd rather have the kid fixated on the Bay City Rollers or the Banana Splits that those guys. There's just something essentially bland about them. They're like the Air Supply of Tweenie Pop.

The sad thought is once the machine has chewed up the Jonas Brothers, what act will the Mouse puke out for the next generation of kiddie consumers. Probably singing apples.

down comes the tree

I took down the Christmas tree this afternoon and it felt kinda weird. The next time I put it up, I should have a helper (or destroyer). How shall I explain the freakish ornaments to the Butterbean. Will he care about Eric Lindros or Hank Aaron dangling off a branch? Will he ponder why I have the more kid oriented stuff? And what will a boy think of all the Powerpuff Girl ornaments? Butterbean could be a girl (we'll know in three weeks). Hope the kid doesn't mind a fake tree.

New House of sorts

We went over to the new house that my parents bought. It's huge. And there's plenty of space. The Butterbean will never know about squeezing around the house on Prince St. Unless mom decides to remind it about him.

The new house has plenty of storage space so that we can stash stuff in the attic that won't fit around here. My CD collection will have a warm closet in their house. I won't have to make Butterbean feel really guilty that my complete set of Belle and Sebastian records are on the other side of the border.