fog horn in the night

what's the cutoff age for dumping a baby at the firehouse?

she spent all night crying. the 2 day nocturnal slumber streak ended ugly. at least i discovered that TVLand shows Three's Company at 4 a.m. They're running the Don Knotts years.

Bigger Veal Pen

After 2 months Josie was too big for the bassinet that sits on the Pack n Play. Her legs kept going over the edge. Her head would squeeze into the corner. So I took it off the top. Now she's in the middle section with more room to wiggle. although she falls asleep faster in the new space. Although she prefers to nap on me while i want to type.

The 48 Hour lifestyle

After keeping me up until 5 a.m. on Sunday/Monday - Josie was pretty much out like a like from 11 p.m. till 6 a.m. with a minor wake up for a little bottle action. It was not even close to a Big Eyed night. We didn't even try to keep her up all evening. She napped when she wanted and still slept better than me.

Maybe I can solve this by changing all the calendars around the house to read a day ahead so when she wakes up from an afternoon nap, she'll be ready for the second 24 hours.

This Could Work

Maybe Josie would go to sleep faster if I didn't give her a bedtime cocktail of Similac and Red Bull.

Her Schedule

I have a sneaking suspicion that Josie's schedule is a 48 hour cycle and not 24 hours. It seems like one night we get her to sleep through most of the night. Even if we repeat the routine the next day, she stays up all night. Then the next night, she's out like a light early. Or maybe this is just her way to get me to realize - you're not the boss of me, Zombie Dad.

Still Something to Await

Even after two months, Josie still hasn't gotten into the act of trying to put anything in her mouth that we don't place there. It's such a relief knowing i don't have to work the "don't taste that!" duty.

quick tip

After 2 months of using a steak knife to cut the seal off the Similac formula carton; the wife pointed out you can flip the lid over and twist. No more 2 a.m. stabbings.

music in the night

Here at the two month period, Josie is still a reactive baby with simple needs. When she whines, it's for one of three things: milk, messy diaper or to be held. She's not too picky about anything yet. Has no "favorite" stuff. She doesn't really grab things unless you put your finger in her hand. She is learning how to pivot her body - not quite a roll.

I think these are what people call "the simple days" of having a kid.

I've changed her bedtime music from Morton Gould's "Blues in the Night" to a Les Baxter compilation and the Free Design. I'm raising an Ultra Lounge baby.

I swear the baby gave me the finger

a nice morning

When Josie awoke this morning, she didn't give me the look that reminded me that I made her a human pin cushion.

Guess as long as I hold her, change her diaper and give her milk, she's happy. Kids this age seem to have the devotion and forgetfulness of a Cocker Spaniel.

I should feel bad about the shots since Josie's onesie read, "daddy is my super hero"

Shot Day

After Josie decided that going to bed when it's dark outside is for losers, it was time to haul her down to the doctor's office for her 2 month shots. Luckily I got a two hour nap when Becky woke up early to sit watch her. She didn't know what was coming as she laid on the table. I held her down while the nurse first gave her an oral vaccine. She thought all was going to be yummy. Then out came the needles.

A lot of time, I hear about parents who get really emotional when the kid gets stuck. But the severe lack of sleep made me immune to such a tearful moment. I had all the compassion of Dick Cheney as I held Josie's arms and the nurse punctured her thighs three times. The poor girl cried to the point of being silent. I had to blow on her mouth to get her to get a noise back in her mouth. I felt a bit like zombie dad as I got her to quiet down with a bottle and then change her diaper - she let out a blast right before the needles.

In a society where you're not allowed to slap, shake or spank a kid, inoculations appear to be the only threat of pain you can force on a child. She's too young to be threatened with "I'm dumping you off at the firestation."

I have to take her back in two months. Maybe if I get more than two hours of sleep, I'll feel extra guilty holding her down.

Decisions

This morning I got an email invitation from the Bunny Ranch's Dennis Hoff to a charity event at the Playboy Mansion. it's an night time pool party. Guests will be able to soak in the infamous Grotto. You don't get kicked out till 2 a.m. And it's less than a grand per ticket. Which makes me ponder, how much of a college fund does Josie needs? If the kid does well and gets into West Point like her grandfather, there's no need for a college fund.

It's such a hard choice - a chance to soak up the good life on the grounds of the Playboy Mansion or my kid doomed for community college? Damn these kids for getting in the way of their parents' dreams!

Stylin' n Profilin'

Since Josie has such a thick head of hair already, we get to give her hairdos after bathtime. When it's combed forward, it's called The Moe. When it's combed back, it's The Larry. And when it's parted in the middle, she's sporting The Shemp. What about The Curly? That's daddy's haircut.

that outfit

Whenever we dress up Josie for bed in the long nightshirt and put on her pink knitted maryjanes, I can't help but think she's getting a fashion sense from Zippy the Pinhead.

Cousins

so we took Josie to my brother's house to see her newest cousin, Jacob. He's only a couple weeks old so he's not up for much. He just laid around and napped. Kids these days are so uninspired.

I learned the difference between boy and girl babies when I noticed that Jacob's onesie looked like he'd been sweating hard. Turn out it was urine. Who new that boy babies can piss so hard that the stream can go between the diaper and their stomach. One more reason why it's probably best that I have a daughter. Don't need to deal with the firehose situation.

The Gift of Slumber

There is something wonderful about just going to bed and sleeping for 8 hours straight without fear of rolling over and onto the baby. Or spending hours playing the "big eyes" game. Or rocking or hunting for the bottle. I feel recharged. I'm ready to stare at the baby while she naps during the day without envy and contempt.

Time compacted

Josie turned 7 weeks old yesterday. It doesn't seem that short of a time. It feels like 7 months. I bet this is because my number of waking hours per day has at least increased 50%. This is like I'm working on a marathon production with the weirdest gig on the crew - watch the baby.

Maybe tonight I can sleep long and let becky take care of the late shift.

Dark Hours

Sitting in the baby's room at three in the morning, wearing a shirt covered in various shades of baby formula puke, I contemplate my brilliant career. I'm really not sacrificing much to raise Josie. It's been months since I've received a call from a contact looking for help on a video shoot. I'm not even hearing stories of anyone working on projects outside of non-paying documentaries. It's like I picked the right time to become the stay at home dad.

I do have to find the time to work on my Chinese project that went on hold the day that Becky broke her water. But it's hard to get in the zone and focus when 90 percent of my time at the computer is me typing with one hand and coming up with creative ways to keep the bottle in Josie's mouth.

I need to change this t-shirt. It's like one of those t-shirts they sell at the beach that say "Damn Gulls" with the droppings scattered on the fabric.

paperwork done

after a few weeks of being confused, we finally got Josie lined up for a baptism. got to get the devil out of her. she won't truly be baptized until we take her to a Redsox game and she gets dipped in the water used for Fenway Franks

The Endless Night

Why does the baby stay up all night and sleep all day? Is this God's revenge for my college years? Except the baby isn't eager to hit the Cat's Cradle and an after party. The baby doesn't want to go to I-Hop. The baby just wants to stare at me, suck down her bottle and scream whenever I close my eyes.

I'm going to solve this problem by moving next door to the ether plant.

cause and effect

The moment you look across the room and see the wipe up cloth on the sofa is the exact moment the baby will puke up her bottle on your shirt. It's the father-daughter mental bond.

She's Huge!

Josie now has grown big enough that her feet and head can barely touch the bassinet. The kid is a string bean. I should be getting calls any day from beach volleyball coaches.

nope

I'm not going to have strings pulled to send Josie to Hogwarts. that place doesn't look safe

Tongues Untied

I'm finally communicating with Josie although not in a Harvard study approved way. We've now taken to sticking our tongue out at each other. I give her the tongue and she'll open her mouth and waggle her tongue at me. It's so sweet and tender and will probably bite me on the ass when she tongue waggles the wrong person.

Does that make them cranky

It seems like Josie is bigger today than on Monday. i'm wondering if part of why she gets cranky is growing pains. not like the baby cares to point at what hurts. They're kinda like an old boss who'd rather scream for an hour than tell you what needs to get fixed.

Day 4

this afternoon I had a phone interview the director of A Haunting in Conn and the woman who got spooked. I had Josie on the bed, She got a bottle while I chatted. At the end of the chat with the director, Josie decides to audition as a Scream Queen. Unfortunately he doesn't want to do another horror flick at the moment. Otherwise she's be the youngest Jamie Leigh Curtis impersonator.

this happens

Becky told me that this morning, Josie was sound asleep when the baby let loose a fart so loud it woke herself up.

that smell

Josie farts more than a Benny Hill marathon. I think the first thing she'll say is "Pull my finger!"

snob

during lunch today, Josie announces that she's sick of drinking domestic baby formula.

not there

we bought the teddy bear that makes the heart beat and organ noises to calm down the baby into reminding her of womb time. However it's had the opposite effect. Josie goes nuts when we turn it on. I think she suspects we're going to shove her back inside.

An inch?

Becky swears Josie has grown an inch today. The kid is now nearly filling the Pack-n-Play's bassinet. This baby is going to be a stringbean. I should be getting phonecalls from college basketball coaches soon. need to teach her the sky hook tomorrow.

Clutch Cargo

Unexpectedly Josie reached out and grabbed her giraffe rattle. Countdown for her stealing my car keys has begun.

Success!

Becky came home and the baby was looking happy and clean. She won't be calling social services on me.

My Brilliant Career

Today is the first day of Daddy Daycare. Amazingly enough Josie didn't try to outlast me last night. We had one wake up at 3:30 for milk and back to bed for the two of us until Becky woke up at 6:30 to give her a proper feeding and let me have a little nap. It feels good to watch her during the day instead of shuttling her off to a stranger. Especially since all she does is sit in the rocking chair and drink milk. When she gets to be a human tornado, that's when it's worth paying someone to suffer.

not a good excuse

I've been informed to never try to get out of a wet diaper by claiming it might just be a case of camel toe.

boom

it's the 4th of july and i don't think josie can see far enough to care about fireworks. next year she'll be ready for bright explosions

guide to fuzz

not that Josie is ready to watch TV, but I turn to Sesame Street. There's a whole bunch of new monsters. I need to figure out their names and roles so I can have answers when Josie tries to out smart me with Monster Jeopardy

The trip

Let it be known that nobody really goes on a vacation with a 5 week old baby. It's like going on Spring Break with a friend with the worst fake ID in the world. She's up all night. She's puking at odd hours. She's never away without a bottle between her lips. And she's always putting her face into breasts. I should have entered her in the latest "Be Paris Hilton's BFF."

Most of the vacation was spent shuttling the baby around to see various relatives around the lake. Luckily they fed us while playing with the baby.