the escape

A fellow housedad called me up with distress in his voice. He realized he had no life anymore. His day was spent taking care of his two daughters and the house. He had no room that wasn't taken over by toys. he realized most of his stuff had either been unloaded at yardsales or boxed up and stashed in the attic.

It's important for a house dad to maintain somewhat of an identity and not turn into some sort of lifeless zombie.

Cheap Halloween Costume #1

Tape slices of Pimento Loaf to the child so she can go as Baby Gaga.

me time

The baby is at that awkward pre-toddler stage where she's mobile enough to do stuff with other kids, but has no communication skills to know what they're playing or tell them how they ought to be doing her way.

Blue's Blues

The baby got upset at the end of Blue's Clues when Steve got on the bus to go to college. How did she know that guy was making a bad career move?

Two all beef patties.....

The baby knows how to deconstruct a Big Mac. Don't ask how it happened, but she had it pulled apart and reconstructed in order of buns and meat together. Chalk this up to goofy things you'll do with a 2 for 1 coupon.

Let Me Cruise

Supermarkets ought to have drive thru windows so I don't have to unbelt the kid to get milk and pork.

That's Missing

How come in "If You Give A Pig A Panacake," the pig doesn't ask for bacon?

Bad Kid Book

If You Give A Zebra a Zero Coupon Bond.

Airport '11

Why do people imagine it's the simplest thing on the world to travel on an airplane with a baby? As if somehow you can just pop them on your lap during lift off and you'll have a quiet ride across the country? Do you know how many kids like to just stay stuck in a seat for 6 hours? And now that it's illegal to dose a kid, it gets worse. Yet somehow everyone has a quick fix when the easiest thing to do is skip the trip and watch the DVD of the event from the peace and mayhem of your happy home.

Runaway Fame

For the second time in her life, Josie has hung out with Mr. McFeely from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. He was making a Speedy Delivery in Durham. She mostly had a fun time racing around the aisles and grabbing books. She also attempted a fireman's carry on a baby around her size. She doesn't take crap from no one.

It is nice to have a new pic of her with Mr. McFeely. It's like her own celebrity growth chart. She's so much bigger this year.

Around and Around

The baby is only in her diaper, puts on my press pass from the film festival and twirls around till she gets dizzy and falls on her butt. I get the idea we're going to have issues with her when she becomes a teen. Or she wants to run off and cover the Whirling Dervishes.

First Come, Always Served

We hung out at the park with two couples that also have young babies. It's amazing what happens when three only-childs get together. It's a fierce power struggle that reduces down to "my parents aren't as reactionary as yours." My child was the one most likely to grab stuff that she didn't think was being properly used and abused.

Neil & Joe Part 1

After watching Julia & Julie, I've decided the best thing to do with my blog to get major action is to link it to a famous person. Since I've been told that giving fathering tips to Rooney is a bad option, I'm going to share advice with father to be Neil Patrick Harris. I've never met or interviewed the guy. I have no clue if he needs my advice. But I figure who doesn't want advice from a stranger? He's got twins on the way so he's going to need twice the meddling tips. But here is the first thing:

A newborn baby cries for 4 reasons.

The first is they're hungry. They have tiny tummies and need them constantly filled. They hate the sensation of hunger since for their existence, they've been pumped nutrients from their mother's system.

The second is they've pooped in their diaper. Now this is a tricky thing because while hungry is the first reason, a pooped diaper is the faster issue to detect. It only takes a quick butt sniff to know. Detecting a hungry baby requires a visit to the kitchen to mix up the formula or heat up the cold milk. So sniff before thinking bottle.

The third is they want human contact. Babies like to be held sometimes. They like the warmth of your skin. Eventually as they grow older, this focuses onto the warmth of your wallet.

The fourth is they want a new Mercedes. Do not give into this desire. Once you cave the first time, the baby is going to use and abuse you.

I hope Neil Patrick Harris and other expectant fathers follow this simple tip. You might want to print this out in glow in the dark ink so you can run down the check list at 4 a.m. without turning on the lights.

Simon?

Driving downtown for dinner, Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" comes on. The baby bounces around in her seat to the song. Oddly enough, she doesn't have the same reaction to any of the non-singles on the Rio record. I'm raising a Top 40 child.

not there

There was an article about the outrageous behavior of kids at the Insane Clown Posse version of Woodstock along with pictures. My first reaction is one of amusement at the decadence and young girls. My second reaction is how do I warn my kid to never go there. Damn this parenting thing

Letters to a Grouch

I mailed my letter for Caroll Spinney thanking him for being a part of my childhood and now my baby's life with his work as Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch. Strange to think that he's been inside a bird and garbage can for over 40 years. I didn't mention how upset I was that Sesame Street exposed my child to Jimmy Fallon. That's worse than taking her to see live Bum Fights.

Smart as a NASA Chimp

The baby was yanking a teapot out of a cabinet. The cord to the waffle iron had become tangled in the handle. After a bit of a struggle, she relaxed the cord and pulled the jammed plug out of the teapot handle. She waved the teapot in a victory celebration. Now I get to live in fear that she understands that sometimes the most direct action isn't the quickest line to success.

Get an extra of their favorite toy

My pal Madelyn did a great little story about the joy of having a back up of your kid's favorite thing to hide away in case they lose the original.

http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-development/attachment-stuffed-bear-lovey-child-bonding/

Damn shame my kid's favorite thing is beach real estate.

Beach Baby

During our vacation at the beach, we quickly learned that sharing a room with the baby is a really bad idea. The child seems to wake up at the slightest of noises that we make. I rolled over and she screamed. Becky slightly snored. The baby screamed. It was not good. When Becky put her in the King sized bed with us, the baby decided to sleep lengthwise so her feet her against me and her head against mom. And the baby farts in her sleep.

We finally gave up and moved to the sofas in the living room letting the baby take over our bedroom. It just wasn't worth trying to do the communal sleep thing.

No Mon

Telling the wife that you're converting the family to be Rastas is not a good excuse for forgetting to shampoo the baby's hair.