I smile every time my daughter asks me about playing in a band in the '80s. It's hard to make your kid think you're cool. She keeps wanting to hear my music now.

After two years on the testosterone treatment (going from gel to injections to the bead implants), I have stopped. It has been nearly three months since I was supposed to have the next round of implants.

I really don't feel a difference. The fact that my testosterone levels never really improved makes me question if the changes in me where from me and not chemically induced. Did I just have an amazing placebo effect? Granted I needed some sort of effect when I started treatment as everything around me was falling apart. We do need something to keep from panicking. Perhaps the anxieties are gone because I no longer have to trust those who were constantly lying to me. People who faked so much around me. In return I no longer have to excuse their behaviors. I can recognize them for what they are and what they will always be. It is sad when you've had to mark off a period of time as a decade of frauds.

I am still confident. I am still driven. I am still not willing to just slink away. I don't feel stuck. I can dream of a future again and make steps to make it happen. These are qualities my daughter must also have.

When you can't trust someone; you really can't listen to them. What's the point? All they are doing is telling you a story in hopes you'll believe it when you know the facts are so different. Communication exists when you trust the other person.

I feel my heart pounding when I try to get to sleep. Trying to calm my blood pressure down, but it just seems to be an endless elevating circle of tension. The fears of what will happen to my daughter if I was to die. Which speeds things up. I be here as much as possible for her when I can be with her.

How do I reason with a child her entire view of life has been torn apart? This week she told me that she's doesn't believe in Santa and explained to me that her uncle is dying. At six years old, she barely harbors any fantasies. Even those she does, she tells me are made up TV stories.

Blood pressure is as bad as it was two years ago. I live in fear of having a stroke or heart attack while driving my daughter to school since we're on that road around 90 minutes a day. The emotional stress of the last two years hasn't let up. Also doesn't help that my work shift let me get home until 4 am. Nothing seems to let up. I will have to lose more weight, work out more and stop drinking coffee.

This wasn't supposed to end like this.