shake it up

it used to be easy to entertain the baby by just handing her the little gladware filled with Cheerios. She'd shake it for a while until it was time to feed her a few. Now she knows how to take off the lid. It's like an edible version of 52 Pick Up.

What do the French think?

This morning I give the baby a little banana piece. Barely a nibble and she proceeds to puke like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Except instead of pea soup, i'm getting the milk she drank earlier. And it's not merely milk, it's turned into some sort of internal fused cheese product that smell hideous. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing there ought to be some sort of freaky foodies who have come up with recipes involving "Baby Gut Cheese." I however will never partake in such a meal. Something are meant to be hosed off you and into the gutter. Although if "Baby Gut Cheese" sells for $400 an ounce, I'm putting the baby to work for the Sicko Secret Dinner Club.

After a vacation with children, you need a vacation from children.

Lesson 1 of Raised By Wolves Technique

Treat the child with the level of responsibility that they can really understand. Don't act like your one year old somehow has all the insight and understanding that you do. Don't delude yourself into thinking they are somehow as smart as your five year old dog. They may look human, but they aren't. Don't think a system of reasoning and punishment is going to really work. Distract the baby works better than your five minute rant and threats of time out space.

Although if you want them to understand your displeasure, bare your teeth and growl at them. Then make them stare at a shiny object.

The ultimate thing that comes out of punishing a small child is them growing up to be regulars at fetish clubs in the finest basements across America. Do you want your grown child to pay a stranger $200 an hour to spank them while they wear a diaper?

jealous much?

Neil Patrick Harris has hinted he might retire from acting in order to raise his upcoming twins.

Why are famous people envying my life as a stay at home dad? Sure I gave up my massive career in video production to make sure my baby gets her life started off right. But this isn't for every guy. I've got things working for me. My life of working with bi-polar high strung bosses has made me able to handle the baby's fits. My days in a noise band allows me to tolerate screaming for hours. My ability to zone out while making eye contact is reassuring to the kid. And I don't mind watching Sesame Street at various times of the day.

Does Neil Patrick Harris really think he has the skills? Consider this an open invitation for Neil Patrick Harris to come over to my house for "Joe Corey's Raised By Wolves Babycare Techniques."

One Less Worry

I feel good that I'm still a few years away from worrying about the baby's text message charges.

Name That Tune

For a while the baby has been going "Baaaahhh bahhhh." We kept thinking it was "Baa Baa Black Sheep" so we sing along with her. She gives us an odd eye, but plays along. Last night we're watching Jeopardy when it comes time for the final round. The baby starts her "Baaaahh baaahh" sing-song while the contestants write out their questions. That's right, at 15 months, the baby has identified the thinking theme song. Hope Alex Trebek is proud.

I really can't wait for a new batch of Sesame Street episodes to go into rotation. I keep feeling kinda weird watching the guy from the Del Fuegos singing little kid songs. Not quite as weird as seeing Evan Laurie does the music to the Backyardigans. When will Psychic TV and Danzig score Yo Gabba Gabba?

We did it

So after waking up at 4:30 a.m. and catching odd episodes of "Three's Company" with the baby, I broke down and rented the DVDs from Netflix so I can see the full series. The baby preferred Mr. Furley (Don Knotts) to the Ropers. I think she identified with his amazing fashion sense. She also didn't like the reworking of the theme song in the later seasons. I founds myself disappointed by the end of the show. It was so soap opera and not sitcom.

Baby Likes the Obscure

In the battle of Duran Duran vs. Japan, the baby prefers the artsy moments of David Sylvian to the pop Chic beats of Simon LeBon's band. With any luck, she'll be demanding I play "Gentlemen Take Polaroids" instead of the Wiggles' "Hot Potato." Although all of this is moot when she bounces around to the Three's Company Theme.

The Game Continues

At the end of PBS's "Between the Lions," they announce the show is sponsored by Barksdale Reading Institute. I laugh thinking that the Barksdale crime family from The Wire is now pimping educational programming. Perhaps next week will have Little Jack Horner Defends His Corner as the major book to be read?

Ze French

as the baby begins to speak, I keep thinking it would have been so much better if I'd taught her to speak French at first. Only problem is the only French things I have in the house is a DVD of Last Tango in Paris and the Serge Gainsbourg collection. The last thing I need is a 2 year old running around the house talking like a perverted middle age Parisian. Nothing like having the teacher calling me up to wonder why my child just told her about a torrid weekend in Cannes.

Travelling With Tapes

Just struck me that for any upcoming vacation car trips, I need to make a CD of music that might chill out the baby including the theme to Three's Company. I'm still not going near the Wiggles. Things will be so much easier when the baby has her own iPod for "her music." I'm doubting it'll have much Spacemen-3 on it.

Bonding

I had a major dental issue this week that involved a cracked root in my wisdom tooth followed by an infection. Thus I'm laid up on painkillers. Interestingly enough the baby and I seem to be working on the same wavelength since we're both a bit wobbly when we walk, we start and mysteriously stop things and when we talk, people act like we're not making perfect sense. The good part is that I'm still toilet trained.

not right

When I played the baby an episode of Three's Company from the eighth season, she just stared at the screen since they changed the arrangement.