sniff

The baby has a runny nose, but nothing else. This kid hates having her nose wiped. Before I get resentful, I remember how much I hated mom wiping my face. It's not being disrespectful, we're bonding.

At least my mom genes haven't kicked in since I won't spit in the tissue before wiping

Let it Snow

Last night we finally got a real snow fall after too many predictions that went warm. About four inches or so fell after factoring in the sleet.

Saturday afternoon we decided to take the baby outside to experience her first winter wonderland. She was bundled in her mega-warm suit. When I was a kid, I couldn't get enough of playing in the snow. My folks would scream at us for nearly catching frostbite. But Josie didn't seem too impressed. Maybe being completely immobile tempered the experience. We laid her on a patch of untouched snow and helped her make a snow angel. It almost looked like Farrah Fawcett's face when we picked Josie up. Shame you can't put snow on ebay.

Lower the River

Last night we went to visit friends and their baby that's 8 months older than Josie. The two hung out for a bit in the playpen. They must have communicated how to do things because this morning, Josie pulled herself up in the crib and held onto the top rail. Thus we had take the crib mattress down the lowest notch. She looks like we had shipped her off to SuperMax prison at the new height. But it will now take more than leaning forward for her to go over the rail.

I miss my floundering baby, but such is progress.

She also can pick herself up on the coffeetable so my pile of DVDs to review must be moved up. Little babies just can't appreciate Mr. Ed.

No more fancy dining

During lunch at a Mexican joint, Josie decided while chewing on a chip to just puke all over my shirt and pants. Ever have that feeling that you want to look your best in public? That emotion no longer lurks inside me. I mopped up and just went back to my refried beans while she bounced on my knee. I tipped an extra buck even though most of the mess was on me.

Future Genius

While watching Josie tugging on parts of a blanket, I wonder if she'll be this intrigued with String Theory?

I'm not the dad that bought the tickets

What!!!!

kiddie country sensation Taylor Swift is coming to town. Just for kicks I checked stubhub to see how much people were willing to resell tickets to the sold out show. I nearly threw up when I saw quite a few seats priced at $l,200. That's not a typo. They are expecting some parent to pay $1,2000 for their kid to see a twig with a blonde wig. And since you know the kid isn't of driving age, that means the parent is willing to pay $2,400 to make their kid happy. While the seats were on the floor, they were nearly 50 rows back from the stage.

This is for a kiddie act. Did the Monkees ever get $1,200 for a scalper? Did they even get paid that much money per show? I don't think there's any adult act I'd pay that much money to merely see. Once in Atlantic City we were told that New Year's Eve tickets to Cher were $500. My response is for that price, they had better serve me Cher's removed ribs. For that much cash, I expect Taylor Swift to cook us breakfast after she Simonizes my car.

What exactly do you get for $2,400? Your little girl's love until the next Disney sensation comes to town? You could buy an Ompah Lumpah for less. Have we become a nation of Veruca Salts and their daddies? There must be a cash limit on being the cool parent. The kid should have been faster when ordering off Ticketmaster.

I know that when the time comes for tween acts coming to town, I will softly inform my daughter that such a price is completely out of the question. I will also inform her of the evil things Roadies do to young girls that just want a backstage pass. If that doesn't scare her off wanting a ticket, she'll have to pay for it by selling her bone marrow to Yakuza crime bosses.

the bling

sitting near us at the hockey match was a little baby about the size of mine. She wore a Bruins jersey which was cool. But she also had pierced ears. With all the times I have to prevent the baby from doing stuff, I don't need to have her attempting to eat her earrings.

What's the exact point of giving a baby earrings? Is this like those creepy people on Toddlers and Tiaras that make their sweet kiddies look like burlesque stars? Shouldn't there be an age limit on letting your daughter come off as Blaze Starr for an audience of 40+?

I'm still holding to my belief that you shouldn't give a kid earrings until they can afford to pay for them out of their babysitting cash. Saved up birthday cash doesn't count.

On the other hand, if she wants a "Born to Raise Hell" tattoo with the Hot Stuff devil, I'll pay for that.

Discrete chats

While Becky was getting her hair done, I took the baby shopping to kill time. Twice women came up to say what a cute baby I had. Strangely enough neither woman asked about her mom. I didn't get a sense that either were flirting. But it seems people no longer want to ask such things in public for fear of asking the wrong question. Or fear that the answer will lead to an anguished tale of why it's just dad and baby in the store.

Afterward, we returned to Carmen's shop to have her give the baby her third haircut in less than 8 months. Her cousin barely has fuzz after 7 months. Do wonder how long Josie's hair would be without the snips. Would she look like Cousin It's offspring?

oh the horror

why do I end up with the baby who always wakes up screaming? Now when I dump her in the crib after she's passed out, I don't bother turning on the baby monitor. There's no mistaking her shrill when she's awake. And she's always done this so it's not merely the teething pain. She's just a loud waker. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism to ensure that she never has to share a bedroom.

Me and Mrs Jones' Bed

It's 2 p.m., do you know where the mother of your children is? She might be hosting a play date with me and my kid.

When I was a kid, you just went into the backyards of the neighborhoods and played with your pals or future mortal enemies. It's just the social way the world worked. However in recent decades, we've come to evolve into something known as the play date. It's a more formal event with set time limits and the hint of adult supervision. Everything a kid really couldn't care about.

This play date business seems to be created for the benefit of the adults. It gives the mommies a chance to sit back, keep one eye on the kids and share a little grown up talk. There have been reports of a glass of wine instead of joining in on the juice boxes. This seems perfect for the mommies. But what about the stay at home dad? Can he really enjoy the play date?

The answer is no.

For any mother who thinks it is rude that I merely dump the kid off and immediately split, this is being done for the sake of your happy home.

What husband wants to come home after a hard day at the office to find a strange man on the sofa? He's been play dating while you've been working. This is worse than a traveling salesman. He suspects more has gone on besides childsplay.

I'm not going to lie. I have a fantasy about his wife and their bedroom. Of course the fantasy involves his wife watching my kid while I go upstairs and nap on his bed.

If the two of us wanted to have an affair, that means we'd have to hire a babysitter to watch the kids. Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the play date if you're forking out cash by the hour?

He hasn't a clue about the emotional and physical strain of taking care of toddler all day. He somehow thinks that I actually am a gentleman of leisure using the kid as a front for seduction. That my kid is like the Corvette his wife refuses to let him buy. Instead of being a friendly afternoon, this encounter turns into a sword fight. I can't even imagine his questions during dinner when I'm gone.

The real victim of this eventually become the kids when future playdates get blown off for various and lame reasons.

Thus I realize it is so much better to just avoid the awkward nature with a dump and run.

zombie time again

I'm hoping this is all about the teething as the baby refuses to give me a good night's sleep. She nods off at 9 p.m. which is sweet. But she's up at 1 a.m. and then can't resist at screaming me awake every other hour. I give a bottle and rock her for a while. Sometimes that turns into an hour. She stays on the verge of nodding out so I don't drag her downstairs at 3 a.m. to watch Three's Company in the hopes that Don Knott's snazzy fashion vests will shock her into passing out.

There are parents who think it is best to scream it out. But I'm guessing they don't have neighbors or daytime jobs. Maybe they're vampires. Did Christopher Lee's parents do that to him?

that's me

I had to inspect a dvd that featured me talking. when the baby saw me on the screen, she screamed in horror.

if only her dad was christopher lee

Baby On the Move

The child has decided that when she wants something, she can move three times as fast to cross the room. No longer is this a case of a turtle going to cabbage leaves. I can't just sit back and enjoy the molasses action. I have to be alert. I have to remember what's on the floor. I have to actually watch the child instead of taking an educated guess of her location.

Is this the moment I get to wish she was still a baby that couldn't even roll over?

Bottle Chicken

The baby has a knack for falling asleep on my lap while drinking down her formula. The problem is that sometimes the bottle is halfway empty already and I see her start twitch and do her falling asleep motions. That's when I get into a game of bottle chicken. Will she fall asleep before she sucks air out of the bottle and ruin the drowsy spell? It's like that feeling if you can blow off that "last gas station" sign and just coast to your driveway.

Today the game of chicken ended in her screaming when the bottle went dry. Drats.

Are you talking to me?

The baby now can sit in her high chair and contribute to the dinner conversation. Well she mostly makes a yapping sound. But if I somewhat ignore her, it almost sounds like she's telling me how Conan O'Brien shouldn't be such a crybaby since he didn't have the guts to kill Jay Leno and take the job. Isn't that how the host of The Tonight Show was "chosen" during the Roman Empire. She's got an amazing imagination when I'm barely listening to her.

new career

the baby finally figured out how to work her tongue on her lips. She's just smacking away all day. I guess soon we'll be able to rent her to the post office for wetting envelopes.

Dancing at the Hugo Ball

I think she says Dada. But I don't know if she means me or the art movement. We did watch a special about the Dadaists on Ovation channel. I'll know more if her second word is Bauhaus. Kids do like German creative history. I should have named her Emmy Hennings.

Mr Drysdale

So we took the baby to my Credit Union to open up a saving's account with her Christmas money and other funds. At 7 months old, she was offered a chance at an ATM card. Like the baby needs to use the drive by ATM.

The amazing thing is that my parents were really active in wanting the kid to have her own bank account. This is strange since I don't think I had an account until I was almost 12. All my birthday checks were put away for safe keeping when I was in elementary school. I wonder what happened to that money? All I know is now the baby has a paper trail to know if daddy used her birthday and christmas checks to pay for a lost weekend at Hooters.

at least she'll have cash in the bank when she wants to get a pony.

Bad Example

Is it wrong that when I visit with a pal and watch his daughters in action, I kinda use them as an example about what not to do?

The youngest had nervously picked at her lip until it split. She had blood all over her sleeves and my pal didn't seem to notice. It was unnerving since this was at a nice dinner with my folks. You really should control your kids bleeding at such events.

Also didn't help that the kids didn't seem to care about eating food that wasn't in the form of a fishstick or chickenfinger. I don't my kid thinking that all meat needs to be covered in a sugary crust. When it comes to chicken, I shall do my best to at least toss boneless breasts on the Foreman and give her a slice. I don't want to sound like a Whole Foods mom, but I think as a stay at home parent, you should do more than rely on McDonalds as your prime food source.

The thing is a few months ago he was complaining about a massive dental bill on the 4 year old. she's got metal in her mouth already. And then the only three things she eats before and during the dinner are Coco Puffs, chocolate cake and Coke. The dad had milk with his meal.

He promises me that my attitude will change as my kid grows up. But I'm going to stick to it. I'm going to make sure this kid understands that sweets are treats and not staples of her diet.

soaring

sometimes I just grab the baby and carry her by the stomach. Is this where we get that strange feeling that somehow flying is a natural act for us? that once we were like Superman.

going mobile

The baby now crawls although mostly in the army man going under the obstacle course style. She uses her left arm to power drag herself while her right arm steers the course.

Someday she'll get her gut off the floor and then I'll be in trouble. Must hide more cords. This is worse than the bunny in biology class.