Simple Gifts....

This will probably be the last Christmas where the kid is overwhelmed with joy upon being given the gift of a jump rope. Time to tell the kid were now Amish and Santa will only bring her a new hammer for barn building season.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

What am I doing up before the kid on Christmas morning? This is just wrong. She's going a DreamLite waiting for her under the tree.

Our National Nightmare May Have Ended

This morning was the first in nearly a week where Josie didn't throw a fit that I was taking her to preschool instead of Disney on Ice. Now only 50 more weeks before it'll start up with next year's Disney On Ice. And she'll know what the ads mean when they hit TV.

Fear the future.

This is like a fire station right?

I think I've reached my resistance point for the kid demanding I take her back to Disney On Ice. Nothing can be done without a demand to go see it again. I'm this close to just putting her in the car, letting her out at the arena and driving off. Let Mickey Mouse raise the child.

That's a country?

Today Josie tried to explain Mongolia to me as a "country way far away." She's ready for a UN post.

And I survived.....

Disney On Ice. It was enjoyable until almost the very end when Josie decided there was a second show. She screamed, fought and screamed more as I strapped her in the car. When is she going to be old enough that I can just toss her into the back of the mini-SUV and let her bounce home? That's all my parents had to do when they were sick of my whining.

It did hurt to look up at the Stanley Cup champs banner and know that the only action I'll see on ice at the arena involves skating princesses under the ownership of a giant rodent. Oh wait, it was the same as the NHL.

My kid is cooler than your kid

Josie demands to wear overalls so she can look like Gilda Radnar from a cover of Dynamite magazine that's hanging in the TV room. "I want to meet Gilda," she says. Soon as she's old enough I'll break out the first 5 seasons of SNL. Until then, she will just have watch Gilda on the Muppet Show Season 3 set.

Stop merging holidays

Today Josie informed me that Santa brings us cooked turkeys for Thanksgiving. I blame this on all the Black Friday sales now taking place on Thanksgiving morning.

My brithday

The greatest birthday gift a young child can give you is to wake up after you and not before.

Waking Nightmares

This week I painted our bedroom. During the prep, I used blue and green tape around the room. It struck me that the place looks like Caillou's house. That kid is getting to me.

That's Not A Game

The raking the leaves game lasted a grand total of 10 minutes before she realized it was also work. This does not bode well for the mow the yard game.

My Nose Will Live On

Today I put the diaper pail into the storage shed. That means we're officially out of the diapers phase with Josie. After nearly 4 years, I no longer have to check the Pampers box for levels and size. My nose is slowly returning to normal.

I'm not sure what the next major moment will be in Josie's development. I'm going to guess the time she says, "I can mow the lawn by myself!" That will make me smile once more.

A Billion Points of Light

Strange to think that Josie will be 7 before Obama will leave the White House. At least she will grow up knowing that any American can be president with a dream to lead and over a billion dollars in campaign backing.

Catalog Cable

Hub channel has turned into the "I Want" Channel as Christmas approaches.

I didn't expect differently from a TV station that's owned by a toy company (Hasbro).

Trick Or Gimme

Josie went out tonight as Merida from Brave. Which was cute. The wife had knitted her a red haired wig. When we went to the first house, she was extremely nervous. It was a neighbor pal, but she was still horrified at the activity. I figured we were done for the night. We went home and seemed ready to take off the costume. But then kids from up the street rang our bell. Josie wanted to go trick or treating with her friends. After about two more house, she had lost her nervous nature. By the final houses, she was ringing the bell repeatedly and reaching into the candy bowls before the doors were fully open. She was getting what she wanted.

Halloween

Tomorrow is the real Halloween which means the kid will stay in her costume all day. Or what I call Wednesday.

sampling the Trunk or Treat loot with the little one

The kid is shoving SweetTarts in my mouth like I'm a Pez head.

Phrase That Pays

Jumping Jellyfish.

I'm not sure where she got that from. I hope Aquaman isn't influencing her.

Your name is Toby

The child insists we call here Twilight Sparkle.

Damn you My Little Pony!

Bouncing

We take Josie out to the pumpkin farm that's part amusement park. She spent what must of been an hour bouncing on a giant inflatable pillow. I miss back when I could do something so goofy for so long and not caring.

Stinky Feet

Why must the kid keep sniffing my slipper and yelling "Stinky Feet! Pe-ew!" It's not going to change odor. I hope this doesn't lead to her viewing Al Bundy as a role model.

I'm not that old

Why does a three year old ask, "Do you remember Queen Victoria?"

Not that way

Explaining to the kid why you have to keep the top of an open cup up is like teaching a fish about gravity.

"Can you repeat that slower?"
"No!" She says. "Not slower - louder!" she screams at me.

Big Words

I'm confused where my daughter is picking up and properly using really big words. Is she listening to NPR when I'm out of the room after she tortures me with the singing bear in the blue house CD?

Art question

How long can I keep up my art print for "Silent Night Deadly Night" in the TV room next to my Disney World attraction posters?

Need for Speed

We go to the school for a potluck supper in the gym. Josie spends the entire night racing around like a maniac with her little friends. I'm pondering to train her for 10K or Cross Country. I won't ask where she gets the energy cause she yanks it out of me.

Sport of Kings

Supposedly Josie got upset while bowling in preschool. She took it hard when the plastic ball missed the plastic pins. Guess we need to get more episodes of Celebrity Bowling so she can learn the Don Adams' release.

Folkin' Out

The kid has become addicted to watching Peter Paul and Mary videos on youtube. She can't get enough of "If I Had A Hammer" and "Lemon Tree." She even can sing parts of the songs. It's like a '60s kid with a 21st Century twist. It's much better than having her singing along with a Kanye West track.

Shhhhhhh

Spending the next few days hoping nobody on the playground brags about Fresh Beat Band tickets.

Don't look in their eyes

I'm sitting at a fast food joint with Josie and I wonder, "How many of these people think I'm here waiting for the parents to drop off the ransom money in a takeout bag?"

Really?

I'm the responsible adult who gets to sign the kid's permission slip? That just feels wrong. I should write a note, "Please let Josie have a shoebox full of $20 bills. Thanks. Josie's Dad." That'd be a much useful note.

The Day has arrived

When I was a kid, the first day of school was a bittersweet moment. It meant that summer was over and having an unorganized day was done until Christmas break. It was nice to know I'd be seeing people in school, but I wanted a few more days of summer before getting on the bus.

As an adult, the act of dropping the kid off at school for a few hours of peace at home is a reason to rejoice. Someday I won't have that reaction. Probably when Josie is big enough to mow the yard.

That's My Music!!!

The kid is addicted to the Josie and the Pussycats theme song. She swears it's about her - soon as I buy her a guitar, ears and a tail that matches.

It's a trip

The event ceases to become a vacation the minute you take kids to the resort town. It's just a trip with a different set of things that make you scream, "Don't touch that!"

pay dirt

Is it wrong that when I watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, my basic feeling is my kid could dominate in the world of toddler beauty contests? Or is that sense of domination the scam they run to get people willing to pay $5,000 for a glitz gown that a street hooker would call a desperate cry for attention?

Hmmmm

Not to get too gross, but it appears we've finally turned the corner on potty training. It's been three weeks since I've had to clean her up. Three years in the making. Now I know how Stanley Kubrick felt when he was able to sit down and watch his first complete rough cut. There's more refinement in the process, but for now I've had three solid weeks of not having to reason with the kid that she needs to use the bathroom and not her pants. Someday my sense of smell will return. Probably about the same time we have a second kid.

Bedtime music

Josie feel asleep in the car to Brian Eno's "Another Green World." Something soothing about "Third Uncle."

You Took Them to See What?

Often I joke about taking Josie to see Cinema Overdrive screenings at the Colony Theater. Who doesn't want to treat their daughter to "Silent Night Deadly Night?"

So after taking Josie to see The Lorax twice, I went alone to see Iron Sky. It's a fantasy action film about Nazis hiding out on the dark side of the Moon that invade the Earth when Sarah Palin is running for re-election. It's a great movie. It delivers on the promise of Nazis on the Moon. Big action of flying saucers attacking New York City. Much better use of Nazis than Inglorious Basterds. What got me when I entered was a young geeky couple had brought their little ones. Two kids under six or so. Which is cool.

What was weird is that after an hour of Nazi violence - people getting shot and injected with needles, the couple grabbed their kids and rushed them out of the theater during a clothed foreplay scene. After the romance was over, they brought the kids back to their seats around the time they got to watch a guy get shot in the face.

How can you bring kids to an R-rated film and somehow a scene of passion is too much for their little eyes, but a bullet between the eyes is fully acceptable. You're all in or you're all out. If you're going to be the cool parent, you can't give them the idea that passion is more dangerous than violence. It's a bad message to scar them with bullets while shielding them from kisses. You've lost your cool parents status - mysterious couple with kids.

Church going

I took Josie to the Six Forks Station to see her first indoor movie. She'd been dragged to the drive-in, but there's no worry with that since she gets loud, you roll up the windows. The cinema has a kiddie screening at 10 a.m. We arrived to find out it was The Lorax. I was hoping for Dark Knight Rises. I bought her popcorn and she was digging into it before we got to the seats. She liked the up and down fun of the theater seat. But when the film started, she stayed put. She laughed and said a few things, but wasn't out of control. She even told me when she needed a potty break instead of wetting the seat. She understood the sacred nature of a movie theater.

The only bad part was when we left the theater. She was crying because she wanted her own big TV. Sniff. Sniff. That's my girl.

Really?

Josie runs up to me waving her cape. "You'll be my sidekick!" she demands. I don't think the kid understands how this superhero relationship goes.

Return

After four months or so, the Blue Mermaid is back in the house. It's like she never left heavy rotation on the DVD player.

That's what it means?

Did you know Caillou is French for morphine drip?

Name that Tune

Quite weird as the kid sat in the back of the car as she guessed the movies based on the Disney song playing on the radio. She also can sing part of Captain Hook's "Cover of the Rolling Stone." Why isn't there a kiddie Name That Tune?

Dream life

The kid had a hideous nightmare about crocodiles. Still not sure what the creatures were doing in her head. But I realize I can't let her see previews to Gator Boys cause that's just tempting more 1 a.m. screams.

No Bane for the Baby

I've decided not to take the kid to see Dark Knight Returns cause she's going to shout out the ending before the movie's over.

We're going where?

Josie just informed the wife that tomorrow I'm taking her to Disney so she can meet the princesses. She's going to have to settle for a Superstore to meet the bulk papertowel display. Sometime times dreams are absorbent.

Bribes or fear of the Fox?

• I'm thinking of telling the kid that foxes attack little kids that have poopy pants. She know it lurks in the yard - maybe it can sneak in through the AC vents? Is it wrong to use wildlife to scare kids straight?

Reverse prizes

Trying to get the kid to "finish" potty training has been a pain. The promise of what she'll get if she joins the no diaper club hasn't quite worked. So I went to an extreme as I packed up the portable DVD player and hid it. I told her that it ran away until she can prove she can use the potty. It worked today as she told me she had to go. Only a few more successes and the DVD player will return from its secret place.

That's not how it's done

This morning Josie declared she wanted to have a surprise party for herself. I think the secret is out.

Getting over the hump

There's a strange fun in watching the Batman series with the kid when she knows the characters already. It does get weird when she can do the same thing with The Wire. Tonight she told me that Omar lives by a code.

I feel like a gameshow host as I keep explaining to the kid what she'll get if she doesn't have to wear diapers anymore.

What's our winner get, Johnny Olsen?

How about a kite, a goldfish and a brand new Dream Pet!

She's still fighting going for the big game.

You don't get to watch that!!!!!

Need to reorganize the DVD vault as Josie insisted that the box for Boogie Nights contained a "Princess story!"

Time Travel

Explained to Josie that she needs to take a bath because future Josie will be upset that I let her go to bed with macaroni and cheese in her hair.

Forget Dr. Spock, I'm going for the Dr. Who.

Title

When I write a book about all this, the title shall by "My Life as a Human Jungle Gym."

Not a title day

Josie still didn't get me a "World's Greatest Dad" coffeemug for Father's Day. Guess I'm going to have to try harder this year.

In the future

Eagerly awaiting the Poppy Cat crossover with Kipper the Dog. Mostly because these two shows have blurred. What happens in this joint episode? The duo eat Max and Ruby.

Sort of idols

How does a child who spend her day pretending to be a mermaid by stripping down and swimming in the cushions of a sofa keep an utter death grip on my t-shirt when we attempt to float around in a pool? Guess it keeps me from fearing she's going to jump in the pool to see mermaids when I'm not looking.

I read way too many comments from people complaining about helicopter parents yet these people don't seem to also notice the Darwin Award winners seen on Tosh.0.

Genius!

The kid stands by the sofa with her hand on a pillow.

"Look dad!" She pulls way the pillow to reveal my laptop. "I made you a computer!"

The kid is already better than Steve Jobs. Apple Genius has gone down another notch when compared to my kid.

That's my noise!

Josie just told me to turn my music down cause it was hurting her ears.

Snob.

Jerry lessons

Cute moment is during a temper tantrum, Josie screams, "I want to calm down!"  I can't help but want her to say, "Serenity now!"

Under the Sea

Does anyone else have a kid that "swims" in their sofa by going under the cushions? Why doesn't Disney sell a Little Mermaid sofa.

My News

The kid grabbed the Toys R Us circular from the newspaper into the bathroom as her choice of reading while in the toilet. She knows her birthday presents.

Name that Tango

I'm trying to figure out how during an ad for the Honeymooners on ME-TV that Josie knew to shout out "Tango!" when the music was playing. I don' think they said it on the air. Does the kid know her dance music or is she a secret fan of Tango and Cash?

Scandal at Disney Jr.

I'm still in shock that the media is reporting Doc McStuffins was busted three years ago for Medicare fraud in Florida.

Enough of the Mommy Wars - what about the Stay at Home Dad Crisis? Why isn't media whipped up about this trend?

Just saw the trailer for What to Expect When You're Expecting. It focused on dads with their kids. It was sad and rather flat. Comparing kids to jumping on a moving train? Really? I'd compare it to being hit in the nuts by a moving train.

Sitting in the back of the car while we're driving back from the supermarket, Josie shouts out, "I want to be a baby again." The kid isn't even 3 years old and she's already turning nostalgic for her youth. When will there be a special about Toddlers who want second infanthoods?

Hide the Eggs

Went over to the kid's pre-school to help out with the Easter Egg hunt. As much as you want to drive them nuts looking for eggs, two year olds seem to have a theory about life: If I didn't know it existed in the first place, why should I waste my time hunting for it? If it does matter, it's just easier to scream until dad digs it up. So you dump the eggs in obvious places and hope not of them are forgotten so the snakes don't attack the playground looking for a free meal.

I feel like a gameshow host as I keep explaining to the kid what she'll get if she doesn't have to wear diapers anymore.

What's our winner get, Johnny Olsen?

How about a kite, a goldfish and a brand new Dream Pet!

She's still fighting going for the big game.

Rainy Days Drainy Days

So a slight chance of shows has turned into an all day downpour which means the normal naptime trick of the drive around won't work. Why don't children just come with a nap button like my alarm clock?

How sad Disney. Do I need 4 a.m. Jake and the Neverland Pirates?

via press release:

Disney Junior, the multiplatform brand for kids age 2-7, their parents and caregivers, is ready to take its next big step when it launches as a 24-hour channel this FRIDAY, MARCH 23 (12:00 midnight, ET). Leveraged by the strength of its inaugural affiliate partners Comcast, Time Warner Cable, Cablevision, Bright House Networks and Verizon, the new channel showcases classic and new Disney characters and stories and embraces the same magical storytelling with heart that generations of fans have come to know and love from Disney Parks and Disney movies

DisneyJunior.com also debuts a whole new look on Friday and will continue to deliver a complete digital experience including full episodes, games, activity guides, coloring pages and more.

Later this year, Comcast subscribers will have access to WATCH Disney Junior, an authenticated live simulcast of Disney Junior across a variety of platforms and devices (computers, smart phones and tablets) both in- and out-of-the-home. WATCH Disney Junior will also offer Comcast subscribers priority access to on-demand episodes online.

Nancy Kanter, Senior Vice President and General Manager, Disney Junior Worldwide, said, "Parents have asked us for more of the Disney brand essence they know and love and stories that can also serve as learning tools." She continued, "They also want the choice of a dedicated destination for young viewers and now, through smart, funny, well-told stories with wonderful characters – all the hallmarks of a great Disney experience – we're ready to deliver a 24-hour destination unlike any other on television."

_________

Parents have asked for a 24 hour channel of shows on constant repeat for the 2 year olds? Are these the same parents that love giving their kids Mountain Dew and Red Bull? The same ones that have to bring their toddlers to R-rated movies? The parents who hate going shopping without a meltdown when they won't buy the toddler a piece of overpriced made in China crap with Jake and the Neverland Pirates on it?

No parent needs a 24 hour channel aimed at their 2 year old. There might be midnight meltdowns, but that's what DVDs are for. When is the last time a visit to the kid's doctor ended with a warning that the child wasn't getting enough Mickey Mouse Funhouse? You're kid's too skinny since they aren't sitting on their ass drinking Mountain Dew and watching more Disney branded crap. How dare you let them do something physical!

Right now there's a dozen little kid channels on the cable dial. Disney Jr. wasn't filling a void anywhere outside of an executive in Burbank's spread sheet.

Come clean Disney. Admit that you need to hook kids even younger now so they'll scream and holler until they get flown for a weekend at Disney. Which will turn into even more screaming and hollering since they're too short for any of the good rides and want everything in the gift shop. Just admit that your job is to make a parent's life a living hell of Disney branded crap.

To be fair, this parent did once ask Disney for something on TV. It was the return of Vault Disney programming in the wee hours of the night. The classic Disney cartoons and Wonderful World of Walt Disney programs were yanked off nearly a decade ago cause you had to run Tween crap at 3 a.m. when 9 year olds shouldn't be out of their beds. I'd like to point out that those kids at now in college and according to statistics, they are the dumbest and laziest college students in the history of America. Mission accomplished House of Mouse. Now you're trying to destroy the next generation with you ability to make kids think television doesn't have an off button.

Is This Wrong?

In order to not get stuck laying in bed with Josie to get her to fall asleep, I insist on saying, "Daddy has to take his pills to feel better." Then I split the room without much discussion. I started doing this when I truly was sick for what seemed like the entire month of Feb. I'm not taking any medicine. But now I fear that she's going to blab to someone that "daddy likes taking pills at night" and here comes social services. Why is it that the best easy excuses to give children are the ones that aren't government approved?

Again?

While I try not to give too many potty training posts, I think this is worth mentioning. I grabbed Josie and stuck her on the toilet when she swore she didn't need to go potty. She finally took a dump in the toilet for me. After three years of crap filled diapers, it felt so nice to just flush and a minor wipe to get things right with the universe. Please let her do it again and again until I can get my sense of smell back.

When calling for a location to host a child's birthday party, avoid any places that have a bottle service that's more than $400 a table.

Is it wrong that my child is so devious? She'll stare right at me and lie. She'll have a stinking dirty diaper and refuse to admit she's pooped. I need to get her to law school pronto. If only Harvard Law didn't have a must be potty trained rule.

Nick Jr. Bites

I miss you Moose and Zee. Nick Jr is now just giving us promo clips from their shows. Come on. Where is little s?

That helps

It appears the Oxi-Clean Stain Remover has taken out several Josie related stains on the family room carpet. Although you should use gloves since that stuff will give you dishpan hands.

FEMA

I'm filing for Federal Disaster relief after a tornado hit the living room. Oh wait, it was just Josie and a Klennex box. Does this mean I can't get a FEMA trailer to hide inside?

wooo ooooo

Josie wakes us up by entering the room with a flashlight. I feared I was trapped by the NBC Mystery Movie icon.

Disney Inspires My Child to Violence!!!!

The other day I'm sitting on the floor when Josie sneaks up behind me and hits me hard on the head with her plastic frying pan. As the sting in my dome shrinks, I blame myself for watching the Three Stooges when she was 3 months old. But then she says something shocking, "I'm Punzel!" And she tries to hit me again with the frying pan.

She was reenacting the violence found in Disney's "Tangled." In their version of the Rapunzel story, the long haired heroine smashes people with a frying pan. This was never the case when I was a kid. There was just a tale of a tower and long hair. Rapunzel wasn't inflicting blunt force trauma to people.

Thanks to Disney I now have to lock up all the real frying pans in the house.

Didn't Disney learn anything for the Andy Capp frying pan murders in 1964? There's no child-like fun in slamming a frying pan onto a head. You want to know what happens to Snow White and Cinderella's dads? I bet they were killed with frying pans.

The kid has gone off to visit grandma for the night. I'm overwhelmed by the impending joy of waking up when I damn well want to. The fear is that I'll wake up at 6:20 a.m. anyway.

What a name

Josie has this stuffed dog on a leash that she has named Chuckysue. Where did that come from? She won't tell me if it is a boy or girl doggy. It's this the weirdness I get for letting her watch RuPaul's drag race when she was 8 months old?

On the Radio

While driving around town, "Good Vibrations" comes on the radio. Josie shouts out, "Beach Boys!" I'm so proud that she guessed right and she's not even 3 years old. This might be the last time I'm proud of her musical taste.

Future Jobs

There's something weird when the toddler can say, "Accidents happen" with the calm and sincerity that makes her perfect to be a PR Flack for a destructive and secretive industry.

The Punishment

This family is being evicted because their toddler makes too much noise. We wouldn't have been evicted because of Josie, we're be hung family style.

http://realestate.aol.com/blog/2012/01/31/family-faces-eviction-over-toddlers-noise/?ncid=webmail9

How much?

Looks like New York City is about to have preschools that cost $40K. The preschool cost will be higher than sending the kid to Harvard. And admissions might be easier to Harvard. If only Harvard didn't have the Potty Training rule next to the swim test, I'd be sending my kid there and skip preschool.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/nyregion/scraping-the-40000-ceiling-at-new-york-city-private-schools.html?_r=1&hp=&pagewanted=all

Winter Wither

Josie wakes up at 4 a.m. wanting to go outside and make snowmen. It's been in the 60s and 70s the last few weeks. There's no sign of snow for the next week. Hate to burst her bubble, but she's got a better chance of making a dirt man. This is going to be the winter that she won't remember.

That's how I think of it

So the new issue of Parenting touts how to make your child the next Steve Jobs.

Really? They want my child to inspire Chinese laborers to jump out of windows instead of making her electronic devices?

For Your Protection

Why any sensible person who wants to have kids get Lasik surgery? Do they not understand that their shatter proof glasses are their only line of defense against things your kids don't realize can blind you?

Bad Examples

I've been warned to not sing the following lines to the opening of Thomas the Tank Engine:

Thomas is going to burn in hell
for the secret he can't tell

don't need preschoolers repeating it.

Wha?

Even though the kid knows words, when she gets upset and excited, she'll just ball them all together and raise the volume to 11. It's rather cute to me since my days at the Cat's Cradle has damaged my hearing. But I've noticed other people get unnerved by her dB levels.

Can't you guess?

While we're shopping at Trader Joe's, the PA plays the unmistakable voice of Jimmy Somerville. So I ask Josie if the song is from the Bronski Beat, the Communards or Jimmy's solo recordings. She plays dumb.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a father.

The answer was "Tell Me Why" by Bronski Beat. How can she can't know that?

Joy of Napdrive

The kid and I hit the road for our afternoon drive that normally inspires naptime. Normally a single lap gets her to konk out and I can put her on her bed to sleep for a couple hours. This tripshe's extra noisy and animated in her childseat.

"I'm a kitty," she says. "Meow. Meow." She alternates with "I'm a doggy. Arf. Arf." She keeps this up until she says, "I'm Cinderella!"

I break my code of silence and bark out, "How about being Sleeping Beauty."

My suggestion is ignored. We do two laps of the neighborhood before I give up. There would be no naptime today.

Esoteric

The best place to test to see if your kid like odd foods is the free sample table at Trader Joe's. Can't believe the kid liked carrot juice. Although I'll test it a second time before buying a carton. When do they cycle through the samples?

The Tree

Slowly we're taking the tree down in the living room. It's a fake one so there's no real fire hazard. But I just sense we're losing control of The Santa fear in her. She doesn't seem too scared when we tell her that if she doesn't stop something there won't be any Christmas since it's a year away and that's eternity for a kid who can entertain herself by putting her finger in an internet connection for 10 minutes.