My pal Dan calls up at noon and asks if he can pick me up at a transmission repair shop downtown and run him back to his house in the boonies of Apex. But I decide to do it anyway even though it'll kill my afternoon plans of watch episodes of The Partridge Family for my review. He still hasn't a clue that I've got a kid on the way.
When I go to pick him up, I discover he's got my goddaughter Sarah, too. Nobody said anything about transporting a 3 year old. She's nicer than she was last time I saw her and she screamed the entire time. The kid is a bit of a brat. Instead of going to the Bear Rock for food, we hit up the nearby Hooters. Dan has our waitress do everything short of breast feeding the kid. And I think that would have been on the agenda. The waitress gives Sarah a balloon and signs it. Sarah doesn't like the fact that it was the waitress's name along with hers.
Instead of driving all the way back to Apex, I have them over to my house to sit around. Sarah keeps asking me if I have some crummy new Disney series with a knock-off Mickey Mouse. I explain I only have classic Mickey Mouse - the real stuff. At first I panic that my subterfuge will be exposed. But luckily all of Josie's new stuff has been stashed upstairs. While Dan undoes Sarah from her car seat, I race inisde and cover up the sonograms and pus a copy of The Naked Lunch over "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Most of the visit had Dan sleeping on the sofa while I attempted to show Sarah how to play catch with a mini-basketball. She hasn't a clue how to catch a ball. How can a dad not teach a kid to catch over the last few years? I expect to have Josie working on her bounce pass by 18 months. Kid needs to know how to work the lane.
At one point Dan asks if I have any chips or crackers for Sarah. I poke around and pull out some old peanut butter nabs (which we bought before the evil peanut butter scare). I ask if she likes them and she swears they're her favorites. I give her a pack still in the cellophane and say, "let you dad do the heavy work." She spends the next ten minutes holding them. Finally Dan informs me that Sarah might be allergic to peanuts. What the hell? What if I had opened up the pack and gave her one right off the bat? Isn't it a father's duty to inform people who are giving food to their kids to avoid serving that food that will send the kid to the hospital?
Finally I take them back to get their fixed van. Sarah has fallen asleep in her car seat. Instead of driving his van into the spot next to mine - or asking if I'll drive over there to make it a short move, Dan says he'll carry Sarah in her car seat to the van. But before he does that, he removes the balloon, walks it to the van and puts it inside. As if I couldn't have carried the leftovers and the balloon to the van.
But at least I didn't put the kid in the hospital and Dan still hasn't a clue. He can't call me up everyday to give me the business about what a living hell my life will be with a baby. Although I think at a Hooters, my kid will remember to say, "My mommy went away. Will you be daddy's new mommy....until she gets back from work?"
Becky swears she'll kill me if I accomplish this feat.
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