And Now My Status

Josie comes home tomorrow meaning I'll have to be the dad of the house. I have to have answers. I have to explain that things must be done or else.... On the plus side, I won't be the only person up and looking for a drink at 3 a.m.

I figured out that the TV dad I will probably end up resembling is Herman Munster. Josie will look at me as a hulking, child-like guy who turns green whenever he changes her diapers.

And for those keeping score at home, I've yet to do a diaper since Becky, the nurses and my mother-in-law see it as a bonding experience. I was weirded out by an article about how changing a diaper should be the way a father bonds with the baby since the mother bonds by breast feeding. What sort of trade is that? Hours of skin contact and nurturing milk versus removing the stinkiest of the stankies. And even when you do it, the kid still cries in protest as you put the new diaper on. There's no hours of cooing as they suck away.

Tomorrow I get to put the warning on the doorbell to never ring it unless you want to change the kid's diaper.

ouch

While "priming the pump" by letting Josie suck on my pinky while mom gets ready for the breast feeding, I kept having a flashback to "It's Alive!" Thank goodness my kid isn't a cannibal baby or I'd lose my sophistication finger.

Teaching the kid

Well it seems teaching Josie how to breast feed worked out well on day 2. I let her suck on my pinky for a while to get her to understand what to do. This was a weird process because for the past 9 months, the food comes in through the belly button. How do you let her know the mouth thing does more than make noise and let you breath? Just got to let her know the instinct is worth pursuing instead of fearing that it can't be right.

From here on in, it's all my fault when she keeps putting stuff in her mouth - cause I did give her permission.

Day Two

I think Josie knows my voice. It's strange to hold a baby and know that it's not just a fun thing. Nope. The kid is serious business.

She now wears a knit hat and the knit Maryjanes that Becky made. When will Josie think she must accessorize? When will she recognize stuff as hers and not merely stuff we put on her to amuse ourselves while taking pictures?

It happened

After Becky lost her water while working at her desk at 4 p.m. yesterday. I rushed her to the hospital at a regular speed since she wasn't having any contractions.

Gruesome details will follow in the coming days.

But the main thing is that Josie was born at 10:14 a.m. She's 6 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long. She even has a full head of combable hair.

That noise

anytime becky makes a noise, I'm in complete fear that the contractions are starting and I need to call the ob/gyn. am I dressed for a baby? Really should have a 3 piece suit so Josie understands this is a formal occasion.

And there it goes

The mucus plug fell out this afternoon. This means Josie should be popping out. It's not quite as accurate as the turkey button. Dr. Spock said this could signal the kid arriving a week or two. Although a friend of ours said when her plug came out, the baby showed up the next day. I really need to clean up the house at this point so I don't have to worry about what it looks like when Josie comes home. The last thing I need for her home and her first words being, "What a dump."

I do wonder what Mr. Spock says about mucus plug and labor distance.

that would have been cool

Moonlight Bunny Ranch's Dennis Hof sent me an invite to a party he's hosting at the Playboy Mansion. Unfortunately Becky is at that no fly stage. But I can't help thinking it would have been extra cool to have Josie being delivered as a water birth in the Playboy Mansion Grotto.

I can't imagine anything cooler than her getting to tell people when they ask where she was born getting to say "The Playboy Mansion Grotto!" Maybe the only thing that could top is if Becky gave birth in the Jungle Room at Graceland. But is it safe to expose a baby to that much shag carpeting and tiki furniture?

The big problem with the grotto would be the fear that my child would have come into organic matter belonging to Fred Durst and Drew Carey. I don't think they sanitize the place that good between parties. Also I think Hefner would stick me with the tab for having to sanitize and refill the pool. He wouldn't get me a discount deal either since he'll be jealous that he didn't try this stunt with either of his sons.

Although someday Josie can always claim in her autobiography that her father plotted for her to be born in the Grotto and blessed by the waters that once cleansed the soul of James Caan.

Worst Idea Yet

The other day there was a news report about the various child beauty contests for little kids. They even had 2 month old babies in contests. As if 2 month old babies can do that much besides look like bags of sugar in doll clothes. What's the point?

That got me thinking for the next level is kiddie Beauty pageants: Little Miss Fetus.

The pregnant mothers get wheeled out. The judges watch a monitor while the moms receive ultrasounds. Who has the prettiest baby in the womb?

The only downside is there's no way to get the moms to pay for accessories and dresses for a fetus. Although there will be the mom who wants to win so bad that she'll have a doctor insert dentures and hairpieces into the womb to jazz up their baby.

Almost time

So now we're at barely two and a half weeks until Josie is due. We really did buy a plastic covering for the bed. I'll put it on today so it doesn't become a big old sponge when Becky's water breaks. How much do you think they'd charge for such an experience at Great Wolf Lodge?

Hopefully that ugly image will cause someone to get really grossed out the next time a co-worker talks about taking his family t the hotel/water park, then I've done my work.

shopping

whenever I go shopping and see someone pushing around a baby, my new reaction is wondering how old the kid is and what can he do. Mostly not much seems to be the answer up to 16 months. Guess i'll have to return Baby's First Arc Welding Set.

There Won't Be Blood

I won't have my chance to beat up a product engineer this morning. After deciding to lower my IQ to a rabid chimp, I made the pack n play work. It's not stable and complete. I don't even have any missing parts once I figured out the secret of the metal bars and the tiny screws. It almost feels stable enough for a squirmy Josie.

The unexpected thing is the pack n play is the size of a VW Bug. Or at least an East German Trabant. Probably gets better mileage than a Trabant at this point.

The good news it that the newborn bart of it has the kid almost at eye level for my desk chair. I'll be able to work on the computer and watch TV while keeping the left side of my eye on Josie. Plus I can touch her while typing.

grrrrr

turns out I don't need tools to put together most of the pack-n-play. Trouble is I can't get the handrails to lock. I'm about to rip it apart as I wrestle it around the living room. There's a weird handle it the middle of the floor and self-locking rails that I got the long ones to catch, but not the little ones.

What product design moron put this thing together. If I knew where they lived, I'd go to their front door, ring the bell and when they answer, I'd beat them with it until it locked. And the thank them for their assistance.

Break out the tools

I've promised Becky that tomorrow I'll construct the pack n play - what was formally known as a play pen. It will be the first step of turning the living room into a baby room. This will be the big moment of admitting the kid is coming and she'll be a part of my domain. Sure changing the guest room into the nursery was a big change, but if I close the door, I don't have to think about what's going on. My living room is different. it's where I live. This is the room with my computer, my desk chair, my bookcases that has signed editions from Jackie Chan, Ric Flair, Kurt Vonnegut and Ed McBain, my record cabinet that has all the vinyl I collected in college, all my DVDs and my grandfather's bowling trophy. Pretty much everything that my wife says look like I've taken over her life.

And now here comes the pack n play. Why can't babies just sit on the sofa and use the coffeetable to hold their bottles? They act so damn helpless.

I should put plastic up over the bookcases as a drool guard.

Now I have to use tools and make sure I follow the instructions since I don't need Josie to whine about daddy's innovative designs on a pre-packaged product. Plus I can't let holes cause she'll just escape and I'll be looking like the idiot.

Is this right?

I keep debating if I need to swap out some of my movie lobby cards that line the staircase. Should Josie be looking at a photo of Roman Polanski from "The Tenant?" Not that babies are born with a large amount of film history. In fact Becky has informed me that my dream of having Josie copy editing my column won't be happening anytime soon. Turns out there's an epidemic of Baby Illiteracy in America. What happened to our country's Fetal Education Programs? When does Head Start begin? When babies are somehow "ready for it?"

uuuummmmmmm

While shopping at BJs, I ended up in the diaper aisle. I was petrified with fear while looking at the various boxes filled with differently designed diapers and sizes. This is my future space for the next two years. I'm the guy I used to think "that's your problem, buddy" as he balanced boxes of Huggies and Pampers on top of his cart. Or him on the cellphone cause he can't remember the kid's diaper size.

What really works? What will become my biggest nightmare? Why can't you housebreak a baby like a dog? Can't I just put a litter box in the room? That would be so much better.

Like everything else in the universe, the easy way never is the way things get done

at least I don't have to deal with safety pins.

Maybe not that fast?

I'm probably cursing myself by typing this, but during our visit to the Ob/Gyn, the doctor said that while the kid is moving down, it doesn't mean Becky is about to pop her out. It could happen in a few days or last until the due date. He expects Becky to make next week's appointment with a bump.

But now that I've typed that piece of news, I expect to get a phone call from Becky at any minute telling me to get her at work and rush her to the hospital.

Going Lower

Becky came home with the news that Josie has slipped lower in her belly. Has the countdown clock started? We still haven't visited the birthing center to see what weirdness we can get away with in the delivery room. Do they have cable? Cause if I'm going to have to sit there for hours massaging Becky's back and helping her breathe, I'd like to be able to watch the Match Game marathon. I think it'd be best for Josie to hear the joy of Charles Nelson Riley laughing after she pops out.

Seeing how were only a few weeks from the due date, I'm not in complete panic mode over this news. She should be big enough for the onesies we've been given at the various showers. I don't have any menthol cigarettes for her. Those are smoother on a baby's lungs.

Small Steps

During a shower, Elena let me hold her daughter while she had to go to the bathroom. The kid is 6 months old. She still doesn't do too much although she'll grab things within her reach. At first the baby was crying. I had a fear of another Sarah situation, but after patting her, smiling and saying nice things she calmed down. Eventually Elena came back, but it felt good to know that I can keep a baby girl happy for 24 minutes. Soon I'll get to expand this to 24 hours.

wrap it up

During a shower, Becky was talking to a pal who is also pregnant. She suggested we get a plastic sheet for the bed in case Becky's water breaks during the middle of the night. It makes sense. But now I'm going nuts thinking about all the various places that becky might soak. My mind turns to plastic wrapping like a elderly aunt would do to her living room. Maybe I should just pack a poncho for when she sits on things we can't afford to soak. or just swap out the living room furniture with plastic deck chairs that can be hosed off.

The Shower Season Wraps Up

After this weekend we'll be done with the showers. I still have to do cards for the last one. Why don't people put their addresses on the gifts?

Hopefully after this weekend I'll have enough diapers to cover the first three days of Josie being home.

Far as I can tell from our baby registry at Target, nobody bought Josie the 70 inch HD-TV. I guess they figured out that it was not directly for the baby. Don't they understand with that screen, I can shoot life-size home movies of her.

I can reuse that!

While cleaning out my parent's old house, I found my "J" wall hanging. And I realize that I can now stick it on the wall in Josie's room and she won't know the difference. She won't know the J was for "Joe." Babies can be duped. And then when she gets nasty with me, I'll say, "That J stands for Joe!" And it will cause her to go into a stunned silence and reexamine her entire life.

Calm down

If I didn't have a calm attitude to life, I'd probably freak out everytime Becky goes through a hormonal mood swing. And there's lots of them. It's like the cruise ship, you just keep one hand on the boat and the other hand ready to grab whatever will help or just hide your eyes.

A month?

What will arrive first: the awarding of the Stanley Cup or the arrival of Josie? There's about 4 weeks to go before delivery date. It's getting more real every time Becky comes home and I feel Josie squirming around in her belly. The nursery is almost set.

I keep getting the strange self doubts about me being responsible for a kid. I've never raised anything. I can't remember the last time I had a pet for longer than a week. The only thing that ever grew in my old place was the kudzu that came through a crack in the floor. Now I have more than that. I'll have a kid who will be pretty much need my exclusive help for at least three years when it comes to eating, pooping, drinking, driving, putting on clothes and being taken to bed. Nothing will be easy. It won't be just like I stare at her for a few hours and then return her to the responsible parents.

It's not like I got anything else to get in the way of being a parent.

Get Mine on the Outside

Yesterday was the last quiet Mother's day for the foreseeable future. Josie gave her a couple extra kicks to celebrate the day. Next year she'll be responsible for making mom breakfast in bed. What's interesting is Josie should be on the outside for Father's day. I wonder if she'll be old enough to buy me a necktie.

It's gotten worse

The swelling on Becky has gotten worse. In addition to suffering from Flintstones Feet, she's got a malady that many high level Nobel Prize winning physicians call "Hotdog Fingers." She couldn't cut cheese this morning. It's so sad. I'm calling up John Stamos to arrange a telethon.

Visions of the future

Waking up this Saturday morning, I had the sneaking feeling that someday soon, I'll have Josie at the edge of the bed poking me to wake up and make the cartoon start.

This Saturday morning Comedy Central has Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams as part of a Wake and Bake special. I'm guessing this would not be good Saturday morning fun.

Will Sting perform?

I'm going to have a major benefit concert at Madison Square Garden to help prevent the further spread of Flintstone Feet. With any luck the BC-52s will sign on.Kevin Costner and Steven Seagal will duet unless a corporate sponsor pays $2,000,000 to the cause.

works for me

Becky's OB/GYN let me know that "Flintstone Feet" is not a real medical term for pregnant women's feet when they swell. I think it would sound great on a Creepy Pharmaceutical ad. It's better than Restless Leg Syndrome.

holding

Whenever i can snuggle with Becky, I spread my hand out on her belly. I view this as a way to make contract with the young'n. Hopefully Josie will recognize my palm after she's been born. Becky swore Josie snuggled into my hand the other day.

It's really hard to bond with unborn babies. They don't have much of a view and can only interact by kicking. I wonder if she thinks I have a mustache.

Thank you notes

Spent the afternoon writing the Thank You cards to the folks that brought stuff to the baby showers. It's kinda strange having to talk about how the baby will be using the diapers in a few weeks. Not so much strange as a dark foreboding of odor is on the horizon. All the nice baby stuff will be covered in drool.

I wonder when a baby gets the idea that they really need stuff hits them. After a few months of floating around inside Becky's belly, how does Josie get a sense of "that's mine" incorporated into her mindset. Although since she's got my genes, the act of collecting weirdness will be imprinted. I know she's going to steal my Wacky Package collection.

there you are

I saw the baby's butt poking up from Becky's stomach. This kid will be a mooner.

She had an craving

Becky for no real reason bought Pumpernickel bread. We never eat pumpernickel. Wonder if Josie is going to be a deli kid?

Hello in there!

This morning we went back for the checkup. They had us do another ultrasound to see how big Josie really is since Becky's got a big ol' bump. After being extra active this morning, Josie was resting when we took a peek inside. I'm starting to wonder if the ultrasound relaxes a baby. Maybe if you hit a newborn with an ultrasound wand, they'll quiet up. Wonder if I can get a creepy child hospital research center to fund this theory of mine.

The woman working the ultra sound said Josie is now 5 pounds and 14 ounces. She'll probably be around 9 pounds when born. I want to go down to the Harris-Teeter to see what a 9 pound frozen turkey feels like. Although I can't let Becky see this cause then she'll wonder how that mini-Butterball is going to pass through a 10 cm gap. No need to have her worry with physical evidence.

The ultimate good news is that Josie is already growing hair. This means that I won't have to hear any jokes about Josie having my hairline or which one of us was just born. She's going to be combed at birth.

There's blood in dem der cords!

We keep getting mailers about storing the baby's cord blood. I'm not sure of the advantage since it was pointed out that if the kid does have an issue, the cord blood should have that same issue.

The price for having the blood stored is about the same as sending the kid to Disneyland for a few years. We figure we'll just donate it to the local service. It's a miracle there isn't a service promising to freeze your baby's soiled diapers. They'll defrost them when in the future there's a truly green way to dispose of them. Bet I could find quite a few folks in Hollywood eager to make such an effort.

More space for the baby

after months of talking about it, becky put an old dresser that was left by a former roommate on Craigslist. It took about 30 minutes for someone to offer to take it away - and that includes carrying it down the stairs. I'm not in the mood to bust my back.

With the dresser out of the way, we'll be ready to finish up Josie's room. I still have the lobby card for Heaven's Gate over the crib. Is that a bad omen for the baby? Or am I just hinting that babies take a lot of production time, run over budget and have Christopher Walken in a supporting role?

Do need to take down all the movie lobby cards that are along the staircase. Don't need them bumped and busted by the dresser movers.

countdown to fun

One of the unexpected baby shower gifts is a digital timer that lets me know when the last time the baby has had a bottle, nap and diaper change. No more guessing games for me. I won't have to remember if I changed her diaper before or after I began watching the Jake and the Fatman marathon. It's nice to have a reminder since baby's are notoriously lazy and rarely keep track of time. They're loafers.

a new position

we've hit the time when the only way we can swap sides in the tub while showering is if Becky sticks her belly against the shower curtain. The butt to butt pass isn't as fun, but we must do what we must be done - otherwise becky will never get properly scrubbed.

that ain't right

There was this article that had a mom boasting that her daughter had never seen a single cartoon. As if that's a badge of honor that her kid has never seen a frame of animation. I fear Josie watching really dumb stuff like Strawberry Shortcake, Carebears and Lil Bush. But I won't deny her a chance to enjoy Looney Tunes, Flinstones and Josie and the Pussycats.

I'm not sure if I want her to see Handy Manny. I can't allow her to think my tools are living creatures and might feel pain when in use.