Hands off the Bird!

Mitt Romney declared that if he's president, Big Bird will be covered in advertising like a NASCAR racer.

Disgusting.

Is there nothing this man can't touch with his greedy corporate hotdog stinking fingers? Maybe we should stick advertising on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Would Mitt like Brigham Young pushing hot dogs and boner pills on TV? Or would that be wrong to him?

Big Bird is a sacred figure in American life. Big Bird is more respected than any politician.

Corporations are not people. Big Bird is not Mitt's whore.

It's over?

Now I can't put the kid to bed with the Christmas music channel. Now she's back to turning the dial to the gangster rap action.

Carols for the new kids

If you want to get the kids excited about the holiday, why not share a little King Diamond with them?

Memories

I'm already missing my 3 1/2 hours of silence when the kid is away at pre-school. Memoriessssssss.

Christmas' War on Me

So the preschool has shut down for 2 weeks for the holidays. What holiday can there be that doesn't give me my sanity breaks? Scrooge had the right idea.

Gimme the Mic

Josie did more damage to her Preschool's Christmas Pageant than an roomful of ACLU Lawyers. She became obsessed with the microphone that was left in the manager. She would sneak away, grab it and attempt to sing. It was turned off between introductions so there wasn't too much damage that way.

What stunk was I had so many people blocking my view that I won't be able to win all the cash at America's Funniest Home Videos.

Santa torture

Is it wrong that it feels so right to threaten the kid that Santa won't be visiting if she's bad? I've become a parent.

Instead of coal, I prefer to say that if the kid doesn't act better, all Santa will bring is her 4th Glow Worm doll.

Great Debate

Josie and I had our first big argument - who would win in a fight between Super Martian Robot Girl and Word Girl? She said Super Martian Robot Girl since she's super, from Mars and a robot. But Word Girl is the right answer. Word Girl actually fights villains whereas SMRG discovers her enemies are merely misunderstood. Also Word Girl has Captain Huggy Face - and we know that monkeys are vicious in a fight.

Coffee Mug Time

Here I was thinking Josie's temper tantrums that include screaming at the top of her lungs and throwing stuff around the room was merely her preparing to be the greatest regional manager ever. Leave to NPR to pop my bubble.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams?sc=fb&cc=fp

Warning Notices

The kid immediately grabs a plastic box, climbs inside and puts the lid on top. The side of the box warns about kids not using it as a playtoy, but why didn't they write it so that a 2 year old will get the message?

For those panicked parents, we didn't allow her to seal the lid.

Ick

I hate getting sick and not being able to blame it on the kid. What's the point of a germy urchin if I get sick from other sources?

Just give up

As soon as you get a game plan on what to do for the next two hours - be prepared for the most unexpected of disasters. Kids know how to derail a day without even thinking about it.

Her Vocabulary

Josie calls bendy straws "Freddies." Why? Cause I let her watch way too many episodes of HR Pufnstuf. It's Freddie the Flute to her. Although now I think she's going to turn cockney on me with her own code words to get past the coppers.

Thanks for nothing Rat

Lately Josie can say, "I can't" for nearly an hour at a time. Where did she get such an attitude? We traced it back to Donald Duck on Mickey Mouse's Funhouse. So the big takeaway of the Disney CGI relaunch of Mickey is not a can do spirit, but an excuse not to try. Way to let me down by allowing her to latch onto the negative. From Yo Gabba Gabba, she sings "Don't stop. Never give up." So right now, Mickey bad. Freakish creatures from a Devo universe are good.

Punishment for whom?

The best form of scaring the child is to look her in the face after she's been bad and announce, "Keep it up and you're not going to be an only child."

So her new scam to get out of going to sleep is to bound out of her bedroom and shout, "Good morning, Daddy!" As if somehow her ruse will make me ignore the pitch blackness outside and let her stay up until she finally just passes out.

I'm not that dumb...yet.

Quiet

Day three of solo parenting is less painful. It only took a 14 minute battle to get her dressed for pre-school. I should have looked up nudist preschools to make life easier.

No more faking it

Josie is asking about Christmas. She now has expectations.

Read to Me

AVN superstar Sasha Grey showed up at a first grade class to read them a book or two. Is there like a website where you can beg her to show up at your kid's preschool so she can read "The Little Train that Could?"

http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/sasha_grey#tab=most_recent&id=103526

Nick hates Daddies!!!!

Nick Jr. is now going to give 4 whole hours to Mom programming. Really? NickMom? Where is NickStayAtHomeDad? Where is our Nickelodeon? It's not like we just wait till the kids go to bed and then watch a marathon of Spongebob while huffing ether. Maybe I want at least a four minute segment called, "You're still a man even with the stench of babypuke on your sweatshirt." How about a show called, "How your college degree relates to diapers." Or maybe a special from Michael Lohan, the Kardasian mom and the Culkins on how to exploit your kids for fun and profit?

Of course there is already programming for dads - it's called Californication. I'm counting on Hank Moody to say there's a life out there.

NEW YORK–Nov. 9 2011–Nickelodeon, the number-one entertainment brand for kids and the top TV destination for moms, is creating a brand-new, multi-platform destination just for today’s moms: NICKMOM, a prime-time, advertiser-supported nightly programming block on Nick Jr. and a convergent web site. Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. are already the top viewing destinations for moms, according to Nielsen Media Research; and one out of every 4 moms today grew up watching Nickelodeon themselves. Nickelodeon is creating NICKMOM in response to original research with today’s moms who are younger, more diverse and more tech savvy than prior generations, and who are looking for entertainment outlets that speak directly to the experience of their lives. These moms say they want entertainment content that is focused on comedy, helps them relax at the end of the day and ultimately celebrates being a parent.

The NICKMOM block on Nick Jr. will feature a mix of original long- and short-form humor-based programming, including talk shows, stand-up and sketch comedy, hidden camera and more. The TV block will air nightly from 9 p.m.to 1 a.m. (ET) with two-hours of original content and a replay immediately following. The NICKMOM TV block will launch in 4Q12. The NICKMOM web site will debut Monday, Nov. 14 as a blog on Nickelodeon’s ParentsConnect.com--Nickelodeon’s web resource for parenting advice and community—and will feature editorial franchises and video. The NICKMOM site will then evolve into a robust, mom-focused humor site complete with editorial, photos, videos, gaming and community next year.

“Today’s moms who grew up with Nickelodeon have a renewed relationship with us through their kids, and now we have something for them as adults in NickMom.” said Cyma Zarghami, President, Nickelodeon Networks, a division of Viacom. “This generation of moms is very different than any one before it and we are very excited to offer a destination that is unique in today’s entertainment landscape with content that taps into the Nickelodeon’s comedic DNA.”

With more than 30 projects currently in development, the NICKMOM block will feature talk shows, docu-series, stand-up and sketch comedy, hidden camera and game shows and more, emphasizing the kind of comedy moms say they enjoy most – relatable, ridiculous and irreverent. Development deals are in place with Eyeworks USA(The Biggest Loser); Mad Cow (Madeleine Smithberg, co-creator, former executive producer of The Daily Show); actress and author Annabelle Gurwitch (You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up; Fired!; Dinner & a Movie); and Emmy award-winning Hugh Fink (head writer, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson; and writer, SNL); among a host of others.

Well in advance of its TV launch, NICKMOM already has acquired two charter sponsors: General Mills; and Reckitt Benckiser.

Outside of the block’s mom-focused content in prime time, Nick Jr. will remain the premier commercial-free network and online site where preschoolers can gain key curricular knowledge in a curated and organized environment. Through interactivity and narrative, Nick Jr. and nickjr.com help kids learn early literacy, social studies, basic math, science, movement and art skills, through the top preschool shows on all television like Dora the Explorer, Bubble Guppies, Go, Diego, Go!, Yo, Gabba, Gabba, Max and Ruby, Team Umi Zoomi and more.

Nick Jr., home of the top educational preschool programming on television, currently reaches 73 million households via cable, digital cable and satellite TV. Nick Jr. is like preschool on TV, with educational programming both on-air and online at www.nickjr.com.

Nickelodeon, now in its 32^nd year, is the number-one entertainment brand for kids. It has built a diverse, global business by putting kids first in everything it does. The company includes television programming and production in the United States and around the world, plus consumer products, online, recreation, books and feature films. Nickelodeon's U.S. television network is seen in more than 100 million households and has been the number-one-rated basic cable network for 16 consecutive years.

New Naptime

I hate the time changes cause it throws off when to have things happen. Right now it is noon which until Sunday was 1 p.m.. That was the time to take Josie off for a quick knock out trip in the car. But since she has daycare that doesn't get out till 12:45 p.m., I don't want to her to konk out quite yet. I need to at least wait till 12:30 p.m. to strap her in the car seat. Why must Congress make the clocks work against me?

Fashion fights

Why does a child scream, "Wait a minute" when I try to dress her? You'd figure she'd still be fashion neutral, but somehow she can't stand certain patterns. Someday she'll be screaming at me for wanting her to wear my old band t-shirts. "Daddy, Bauhaus is so 20th century!" And I'll remember cranking my Model T for the night I went down to the Cat's Cradle to bump into David J.

It's a good thing

this morning when Josie was hanging off me like spidermonkey, I really missed her being in preschool...for her educational benefits.

Dropped Josie off at the preschool. She seemed well adjusted when she scampered into her classroom without me. Right before I left she was screaming. I'm hoping she gets over it quick cause I'm really enjoying being in a quiet house and not fearing that something is going to smash.

Bedtime treats

While tucking Josie into bed, she grabs my neck tight and screams "Open sesame!" This is what I get for letting her watch Dexter before she was a year old.

injected fate

The child is obsessed by Barbie. I thought I'd have until she was 4 before this phase kicked in. I'm stuck putting little clothes on plastic. Did I mention I have 2 college degrees? Neither involves mini-clothes for little women.

School Days

We've decided to enroll Josie into a pre-school program for 2 year olds. The class is only twice a week for a little over 4 hours. She needs to get a little more used to social skills and realizing how to share since I've created a bit of a holy terror. We found a place around the corner and took her over for a visit.

While you always hear stories of kids crying and clinging like spider monkeys, Josie just ran into the classroom, took a seat and started coloring a picture. She pretty much forgot we existed. She also didn't pay much attention to the teachers until they announced circle time. That got her excited since we read about it in a Blue's Clues book. While we talked to the head of the pre-school, we let Josie head over to the music class to see how she'd do with us gone. Once more, no issue except she wanted her blankie. Even then she didn't complain that long. She went nuts when we had to take her home.

I ought to just send her to West Point now.

More lies being spread by Big Toy Inc.

http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/10/18/8381786-kids-under-2-should-play-not-watch-tv-doctors-say

Kids under 2 shouldn't watch TV? So toddlers should miss out on the new episodes of the Walking Dead and Dexter? What are we going to talk about at dinner if they're merely playing with their toys?

Understanding her

"Good idea, daddy" is now her favorite words to do her bidding. She's learning how to make things sound like your idea. What a planter.

Prepare to meet your maker

While tucking in the child, she started playing the "make up" game. This means she takes a pillow, screams make up and hits me in the head. It's my own fault for letting her learn about slapstick at 6 months old. This time after a few pops, she grabbed the pillow with both hands. put it over my face and let her full weight push it down. In the darkness, I had the strange sensation that this is going to be my future when she's ready to collect my life insurance policy.

Although in a positive light, if I ever end up like McMurphy, she'll be my Big Chief to put me out of my misery.

Already working th system

I ask her if she had knocked over the waste paper basket.

"Prove it," was her quick reply.

I'm in for a world of pain.

figured it out

We've been calming down the kid with dose of Caillou before bathtime. I think I've figured out what is really happening. See Caillou is the only bald kid on the show. Even his dad has a full head of Rick Springfield hair. The truth is that Caillou is sick. Everyone seems really slow and nice cause he's on thorozine. It's all through his eyes.

I'm not complaining cause it does chill her out.

Putin

The toddler calls herself Josie Bean which makes sense since that's kinda what we called her after referring to her as Butterbean while she was an unknown gender. But what's interesting is that she calls us Mommybean and Daddybean. I think she's figuring Moneyball is about us since it tells the tale of Billy Beane. Hope she doesn't wonder why Brad Pitt isn't coming for Festivus.

Turn it Down!

She has figured out how to turn on the stereo in her room, twist the FM dial and blast the volume. I walk into her room because she's overwhelming the house with Cher's "Believe." She's twirling around and laughing. She's transformed her bedroom into a gay disco. Soon I'll find passed out tweakers in the front yard. And that's where I draw the line.

Truth

The person who said, "Silence is golden" didn't have a toddler in the house. Silence is the moment before hell comes down.

Packed classrooms

They started up the toddler program at the library - it's now called Storytime with two books read during the session. This would be good if Josie could sit still and look at the pages. The classes as more packed than the summer session so we have to show up earlier since I don't need Josie being melted down maniac when she can't get through the doors.

She doesn't understand the be quiet in the library rule. They must not have libraries where she comes from.

Don't Wear Out My Name

Josie has started calling me Joe. I do my best to correct her to call me dad, but she gets this gleeful look when she knows she's doing an adult thing - like when she grabs a steering wheel or demands to watch Breaking Bad.

Human Tornado

I survey the damage to the family room with not an inch of carpet exposed beneath layers of toys, drawing paper and little chairs. How can such a small toddler cause so much destruction. Then it hits me, she's had 13 hours to focus on it.

that's why

Science claims that a man's testosterone levels drop after the birth of their child and further go down with longer exposure to the child... What a horrible father's day gift. And here I was swearing the baby was merely draining me of the will to live by staying up till 5 a.m. not so long ago.

Fashion addict

The kid has completely enthralled in wearing dresses with butterflies. Not sure what made her so hooked, but it makes me do the laundry faster so it's a bad thing.

The Times They Are A Changin'

After waking up at 7:30 a.m. on Monday and Tuesday, Josie has taken to waking up up at 6 a.m. How can our genes have created a morning person?

copyright

I fear Disney lawyers are going to kick in our door to inform Josie that her Little Mermaid toothbrush is not the blue mermaid from Team Umizoomi. She must cease mis-identifying the Little Mermaid or they will get a court injunction and sue her down to her Minnie Mouse training panties.

to the potty!!!

the potty training isn't quite working out right. doesn't help that she says "no no no no" to whatever you ask. oh well. i know soon she'll get the hang of it. This is the child who figured out how to work a dvd player already.

Victory

While putting Josie in her car seat, she started singing "Fish Heads" by Barnes and Barnes. I nearly cried at the beauty of this moment.

Why can't I be woken up when the terrible twos are over?

Damn you social services

the eyes

Never let the toddler lock eyes with you when she's drifting asleep. They gain strength knowing you want them snoring.

I swear the kid is playing dumb with me. I think she knows exactly what I'm saying and will keep up this front until she hits 40.

a man's brain

Why is every song I hum from one of Josie's kiddie shows? I need to hear Hall & Oates "Maneater" to get it stuck in my head again.

Bad Timing Break Throughs

The kid now understands the concept of names. She said, "Name is Josie. Name is Mommy. Name is Daddy" while pointing. All this was great except it happened in church. It's a start towards her attempt to be a three year old preacher and get her own show on TV like Marjoe Gortner.

heels should never touch the ground

The kid likes to walk around on her tip topes and declare "Big Josie."

I've raised a stripper.....

A Clue

why does it creep me out that in the middle of the night during a pitch black moment, Josie shouts out repeatedly, "It happened!" Is she like a psychic creepy movie child? Are zombies about to eat me? Why can't she elaborate?

Not quite yours

Today Josie attempted to upgrade her "blue mermaid" toothbrush for a mermaid doll by trading with a little boy at the pool. Trouble is the doll didn't belong to the kid. But that didn't stop her from waving bye bye at the toothbrush and splashing away with her temp toy.

Royalty

Until further notice, the toddler shall be called Princess Josie. Let the kid watch one episode of Toddlers and Tiaras and she gets an attitude.

who is in the well?

Josie has spent the last five minutes shouting, "It happened!!!" She refuses to explain what happened. This is like trying to talk to Lassie - if the dog knew a little English.

The Future

The Hooters Casino just filed for bankruptcy. What hope is there now for kids to have reliable jobs in 16 years?

little pool time

There is no such thing as a heard "No" when it comes to a toddler approaching a kiddie pool. Why do I delude myself thinking there is an adult understanding when it comes to such things.

You know that moment when you swear the kid has fallen asleep and then someone decides to call after 9 p.m. with news that could have been emailed? And then the kid snaps out of drifting asleep and I'm stuck with another hour of working her back down till she passes out?

Well I'm keep a list of who does it and I'll be returning your call as soon as your toddler is making the transition out of the crib.

Unpacking and Repacking

Should I really be singing Wheels on the Bus with pigs, monkeys and cows as passengers? Am I making the kid think we live in Hooterville?

who bought her all these toys?

As pick up the massive amounts of toys that Josie have spread all over the family room, I start thinking that I should cut back on buying her so much stuff....until it hits me that we have pretty much only bought her a glow worm doll. It takes a Village to raise a child and that village has a Toys R Us next to the well.

Ahhhhhh

You know what's worse than getting Hall & Oates "Maneater" stuck in your head all day? How about the Wiggle's "Where's Jeff" song. Oh the pain, Will Robinson. The pain.

The only good news is that the other day I left the TV on PBS Kids and "Barney" started. Josie ran up to me demanding I put on Pufnstuf. I almost cried at the beauty of her rejecting the creepy dinosaur from Dallas.

what more frustrating than moving with a toddler? It's unpacking with a toddler who swears they know where stuff really ought to go.

so far putting Josie to bed in the new house has been 0-2. If there is any Paranormal Activity 3, I pity the demon living in the attic since they're getting no rest.

Josie got into the fridge and demanded cold pizza for breakfast. It's like she's already a college sophomore.

It's like Liquid Sky 2

When did the dog from Blue's Clues and Maisy become female? Why did I think they were guys? Shouldn't a blue dog be a boy? Or at least be in need of mouth to mouth respiration? And how come Maisy mouse never wears a dress? Maybe the next book should be "Where Is Maisy's Gender?" She's like the It's Pat of rodents.

Gerber is asking everyone to return all banana baby food expiring 2012; they may contain pieces of glass. Please copy and paste for all moms and babies safety..bar code 761303308973

so this wasn't a Crunch Surprise Banana flavor

This Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show is being an influence on the kid. She started demanding green apples cause that's what they were counting on the screen. Why can't this show be a positive influence like explaining why naptime matters or how to clean up her crayons that are all across the living room floor? Mickey Mouse has his own agenda - it'll probably end with the episode instructing them how to bring down the Helter Skelter.

sleep.....

why does this toddler insist on waking up at 6:15 a.m.? And coming into my bedroom? I know that in a few years, she's going to be furious when I have to wake her up at 7 a.m. But I will have to fight the urge to remind her that this is merely payback as I throw her on a school bus and head back inside for a mid-morning nap.

Anxiety

for those who thought Josie would grow out of her ability to scream like the kid in "The Tin Drum," that day hasn't arrived. She's letting out 120dB shrills. And doing it more frequently as she can't figure out the two house situation. We keep saying that we're not leaving her here, but she can't grasp it. Oh well. Just feel bad for the dog next door.

state of Nancy Grace

The good part about the Casey Anthony trail outcome is now I can threaten the child that we're going to move to Florida where bad little kids don't have their gruesome murders avenged.

I'm disturbed that a group of adults can have a champagne toast for getting freedom to a woman who lied for a month about the fate of her toddler. I understand that somebody has to represent even the most guilty of killers, but you don't have to take glee that you beat the system.

boom goes the fireworks

is it wrong to tell the toddler that the fireworks are bad kids being put down like Old Yeller?

Success

Josie said, "Servo!" while holding my little plastic Tom Servo figure. I'm overwhelmed that at 2 years old, she knows her Mystery Science Theater 3000 Bots. Soon she'll be arguing Joel Vs. Mike.

Where's this Show?

How come TLC doesn't have a show about fixing up a house with a toddler on the loose? It's the perfect recipe for cinematic disaster. Josie means well, but she can't do too much with a crowbar except destroy the wrong wall spot.

don't get out

I miss it when the baby could just stay in her carrier case. No matter where I went, it was click out, visit the store and click her back in. Now that she's merely strapped into a car seat, i dread having to make quick stops at stores.

A few years ago, I was disgusted by certain businesses having drive thru lanes. Now I'm all for it. I want everything brought to the window for me - milk, liquor, dental work. I just hat unstrapping her knowing it's going to be a pain to get her back in the seat in a few minutes.

Josie runs around the living room in a diaper while wearing her tiara. We're going to have a major crisis with this fashion statement.

when the baby slept in her crib, I could fall asleep on the sofa watching TV during Becky's business trips. But now I can't since I need to hear the creak of Josie's door opening at 6 a.m. so she doesn't attempt the stairs so early. I miss being a creature of habit.

nap?

In a miracle moment, Josie climbed on the sofa and fell asleep. Her leg is dangling off. I'd slide it on the cushion, but I swear it's tempting fate.

Urban Tales

Like Bloody Mary; if you repeat the name of a sleeping baby, they will magically appear.

Ready for the Wheel

Josie can recognize several letters including "J." I figure if I work on her skills, I can have her working as my copy editor by the time I wrap up the WalMart Greeter book.

How can she not like destruction?

We're tearing apart the family room of the new house yanking off old paint and wallpaper. You'd figured a child in the middle of the terrible twos would have a field day yanking, but no. She suspects we're trying to put her to work.

sleep weirdness

When putting Josie to bed, I find myself intrigued by the new things she has to say in the dark. I want to know what's really going on and if I can make sense of her words. She speaks with fractures of nursery rhymes, TV phrases, odd stuff we've said and then perhaps jibberish. I almost don't want her to go to sleep, but that defeats the whole purpose of putting her to bed.

No mug

I was informed that Josie didn't make it down to buy me a "World's Greatest Dad" coffeemug. In it's place, my wife has promised to change all the diapers on Father's Day. I'm tempted to wake up Josie and feed her blue berries for the next three hours. Is that considered evil?

Missin'

Since it's impossible to put Josie in the crib since she can climb out, we have to help her fall to sleep in her big bed. This means one of us lays next to her until she's completely snoozing. Wednesday night was a complete disaster since every time I thought she was lights out, she would wake up with my shifting to escape the room. It got so bad that I missed nearly the entire game 7 between the Bruins and Canucks. I got downstairs just in time to catch the last few minutes the Bruins finally winning the Stanley Cup. While this was monumental since the Bs hadn't clinched the title since I was a little kid, I wasn't going to run upstairs and wake the baby so she could see it. I'll just lie and say I did. Isn't it good enough for her to catch the highlights on the 6 a.m. SportsCenter?

Last night I ended up falling asleep at the same time she nodded out. How can I be so sure? Cause she didn't try to scream "Wake up Audrey!" By the time I woke up, I had missed the Redsox-Rays game. Since Daily Show was a rerun, I just went back to bed in my bed. Thus when she woke up at 6 a.m., I was ready to feed her instead of coaxing her to sleep another hour.

Damn this child for attempting to convert me to being a morning person.

Evil Teaching

During Josie's b-day weekend, my brother-in-law decided to "teach" her how to scream "Wake Up, Audrey!" and poke people until they do. He did it often at the cabin to Josie's cousin Audrey. This is just pure evil since it's all Josie likes to do now. If you're barely slumbering on the sofa, she'll race over, scream and shake. She won't stop till she sees the white of your eyes.

You know how hard it is to get a little nap around here? And now she's turned it into her excuse to make everyone stay up as long as her? Today at 4 a.m., she came into our bedroom screaming "Wake up Audrey!"

I'm planning my revenge. His child will learn something that will be of equal destructive power. Perhaps I'll just teach him to shout out their PIN number while at the bank?

my worst nightmare

Josie has figured how to escape her crib. Today was the first time in over a year where the weekday naptime is a fail. I miss my two hours of sanity.

Why does the government refuse to let me stick her in a giant dog kennel as a crib? Why do they want to make me the bad guy cause I treat my kid like a waif in a Harry Potter mean parent story?

Bronx Cheer

We took Josie to see the Pawtucket Redsox play the Durham Bulls. She didn't care much, but she got to watch Oki in the bullpen. She was more excited about playing in Wool E. Bullland. it's the bouncy house jungle gym insanity. The joy of her time inside was when she went up against the mesh and booed at a dad wearing a Yankees t-shirt. I was so proud of the baby. Someday she'll be able to say, "A-Rod, you suck!" Then the tears will flow as I'll be the luckiest dad on the planet.

Time Traveller

Josie is now addicted to Sid and Marty Krofft's The Bugaloos. It's about a quartet of singing kids with wings. She loves her small puppet people. I do fear when she hangs out with little kids they're not going to have a clue what she watches since these shows are older than their parents.

Life and Death

Saturday up at the lake we celebrated Josie turning two. It was fun with lots of her relatives up for cake and ice cream. Once more I remember the rule of waiting until afterward to buy her things since odds are high someone will give it to her. We had lined up a tricycle and it turned up thanks to her grandmother. It's kinda like that crummy "The Secret" book except your wishing for someone else to get something.

The day after the party Becky decides to tell me that our pal Barron has killed himself. Normally such news would sadden me. Except Barron had been a mess for most of the decade with his drinking and constant talk of suicide that it was as if she said Barron had renewed his subscription to Sports Illustrated. But then she hit me with the uglier news that he might have been dead for nearly two weeks in his foreclosed condo. As Josie sat on my lap while we stared at the lake, I realized that I was in a good place. That I couldn't cash out at this point because the kid needs me. She might drive me nuts, but never insane.

Noggin

Took Josie to her two year check up. Turns out she is of normal height and weight. But her head is in the 95th percentile. She's got a melon on top. I think this is the reason why she identifies with the cast of Super Why.

almost 2

Today is the second anniversary of when Becky called from work and said she needed to be taken to the hospital. Her water had broke. Even though it was 2 weeks before the due date, Josie decided to pull a hurry up and wait. She didn't get out until the next morning. Two years? My memories of that night involve confusion, somewhat helping becky with her struggle and that really nice HDTV. I got to watch Ice Road Truckers and Pitchmen and Battlestar Galactica inbetween asking if there was anything I could do besides hold her hand and not point out that my other hand held the TV remote.

After two years, my life has been changed a bit. The biggest part if discovering that I no longer sleep according to my own desires. Today I was up at 6:45 a.m. How can I be the father of a morning person? Even when she's at her grandma's house, I wake up early wondering why she hasn't woken me up.

The Love Bug

The hidden gender baby made it on the Today Show....kinda. They just ran the newspaper pics. I'm not going to guess the gender, but I swear it's the reincarnation of Buddy Hackett.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/#43179739

Really? You think this is a great idea?

A goofy couple decided that they're not going to tell anyone the gender of their baby.

"We've decided not to share Storm's sex for now--a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime (a more progressive place? ...),"

People might figure out the gender of your kid when they decide to drop diaper and piss on the wall.

"In fact, in not telling the gender of my precious baby, I am saying to the world, 'Please can you just let Storm discover for him/herself what s (he) wants to be?!." she wrote in an email.


Where did they get this idea? from a book called X: A Fabulous Child's Story. It turns out not to be a scientific study like Project Nim. It's a 52 page kid book about a kid who nobody knows the gender. I don't know if I want to take parenting tips from pure fiction. I got into enough problems when I sought advice from Jean Genet's Our Lady of the Flowers for gardening tips.

don't they understand they've now eliminated the grandmothers from diaper and babysitting? or maybe they're saying they weren't happy with what the grandmothers did when given the chance to watch their first two kids?

"The couple's other two children, Jazz and Kio, haven't escaped their parents' unconventional approach to parenting. Though they're only 5 and 2, they're allowed to pick out their own clothes in the boys and girls sections of stores and decide whether to cut their hair or let it grow.

"Both boys are "unschooled," a version of homeschooling, which promotes putting a child's curiosity at the center of his or her education. As Witterick puts it, it's "not something that happens by rote from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. weekdays in a building with a group of same-age people, planned, implemented and assessed by someone else."

While my Raised By Wolves method of childcare is rather open about things, there are periods when you have to bare your fangs and let them know things have to go your way. You can't buy whatever clothes you want. Otherwise we'd all be wearing pimpsuits at age 4 - cause of the flashy colors and slick gators. And you do have to teach them things they might not want to know. Otherwise how will they win enough money for retirement on Jeopardy?

here's the article. Turns out they're in Toronto.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110524/ts_yblog_thelookout/parents-keep-childs-gender-under-wraps

I'm thinking when Josie says, "Tickle," it's her version of LOL.

No Steps

We're in the process of getting a house since we need the space. Little kids take up way too much space. They're like the Jack Russell terriers of people. The good part is we have gone with a ranch house since I'm kinda fearing this fearless child at the top of a staircase. Now she can run around like a maniac and my only fear is her head pinballing off the walls.

Better Slogan

Nick Jr. - It's like Preschool without the disease

My Little Moe

As we sat on the sofa this morning, Josie said, "Make up" and hit me in the face with a pillow. My baby understands slapstick. Shes' not even two and is already dishing out the classics. It's like she's Josie Besser.

Kid book

Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach is already a hit as an "adult" kids book. which hasn't even come out. I'm wondering if I should do a similar kids book

"Baby, You're Doomed" - which will be 32 pages of reminding the kid how their future is rather bleak. The spiraling cost of healthcare and college along with the dwindling number of high paid jobs. The Jersey Shore cast remaining stars. Terrorists around every corner that isn't occupied by a sexual predator. Oh the bleakness grows every day. The final chapters will remind them that if Mayan Doomsday hits, that might be a positive thing.

Trick or Treat

One should always plan ahead for holidays especially Halloween so you can have time to get the right father-kid costume. This year we're going as the stars of Lone Wolf and Cub aka Baby Cart Shogun assassin movie series. When Josie gets Daigoro's haircut, I'll paste her clipped hairs onto my head so I can look like Ogami Ittō. Now I have to make a wooden babycart complete with hidden guns and knives. It's going to rock.

Timing

Before you taking your walking child out to public places, you need to figure out the maximum closing distance. How quickly can you grab them - like a cornerback sizes up a wide receiver. Cause you can't afford to let them score a touchdown.

not rocko

For the second time while watching TV, Josie got upset. This time it was when Elmo lost Rocko - the rock friend of Zoey. The other time she got upset was a blanket that Elmo loses in Elmo in Grouchland. For a kid who gets so emotional when things get lost on TV, she doesn't seem to care when she drops stuff in random places.

Space is the Place

is it wrong that when we were house hunting, I was more interested in where to put my DVDs than the size of the Josie's potential room?

ouch - her edition

Josie wanted to ride in another family's shopping cart at the BJs. It was one of carts with a car in the front so the kids can think they're driving. When Becky went down to pull Josie out, the kid flailed like a hooked swordfish. She headbutted the wife so hard between the eyes that Becky saw stars. She got a mild concussion. Now Becky is feeling like Eric Lindros around the house.

Is this what's considered elder abuse? Where's the charity for victims of toddler violence?

I'm warning all of you parents - your babies can lay a beating on you. I'm so fearful what Josie will do to us at K-Mart.

counting times

Josie can now count to 10....well almost. She keeps skipping 4. It's like she's a character in a Steve Erickson novel.

can tickling a baby while she's throwing a temper tantrum cause her head to explode?

better check snopes

Tiger-mania

Now the woman who was on my short list to au pair Josie has spoken up about the Tiger Mom life

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-april-26-2011/tiger-mothering

Of course nobody talks about raising kids so that they are exposed to rabid animals if they mess up.

I lifted up Josie to take her out of the bedroom. She pointed at the top of her dresser and made a noise. I decided to save myself the "do you want this" game, I'd just lean her over to grab what she wants. But instead of grabbing a shoe or hairbow, she pointed at the CD player and kept saying "Kite." She wanted to hear "Kites Are Fun" by the Free Design. I turned on the stereo to the disc and she danced around the room somewhat singing along.

I can't believe that the Dallas Observer allowed columnist Richie Witt write:

"Don't look now, but since Josh Hamilton's dumb dash for home Tuesday in Detroit, the Rangers are 1-4 and tied with the Angels atop the AL West. They start a three-game series with the Angels tonight in Arlington.

In Game 2, Colby Lewis is scheduled to start after missing his last regular turn in the rotation because -- I'm not making this up -- his wife, Jenny, was giving birth in California. To the couple's second child.

Don't have kids of my own but I raised a step-son for eight years. I know all about sacrifice and love and how great children are.

But a pitcher missing one of maybe 30 starts?"

Wow. He's a pitcher. They lose a spot in the rotation when they suffer a hangnail. You think a pitcher is going to be completely focused if he keeps thinking if his wife is in labor or the baby has popped out?

And playing the "I had a stepson for 8 years." What does that mean? Did his wife dump his ass after 8 years? Did the kid die? Was there a court order keeping him away from the kid?

If you haven't been in the delivery room when your child comes out and takes their first breathe - don't act like an expert on what the moment means. Witt really needed to understand that there are certain things you need to shut up about. If I worked in his newsroom, I would have launched a dictionary at his skull for writing something so pathetically dumb. There's a reason why people don't cry when newspaper writers get laid off because it's hard to feel pity for a blockhead like Witt (less).

that fits?

Josie yanked off the little rubber dress from a teeny tiny doll. And I'm supposed to know how to put it back on. Why do toy designers want to belittle me as parent by making me look hopeless in front of impatient children?

Father of the Year Application Please

She hates airports

Josie knows that the airport is not a fun trip if only mom puts a suitcase in the car.

Surround Scare

If you really want to get the full effect of Paranormal Activity 2, watch the DVD while your baby is napping and the hall closet door keeps popping open. You'll appreciate the film even more.

Although I don't think a demon would stick around here if Josie went into full shriek mode. She can upset a bowling alley with her high notes.

How dare she!

While driving around in the car, Josie stuck her hands over her ears when Robyn Hitchcock's "Madonna of the Wasps" was playing on the stereo. I think this is our first time of the "Dad, why can't you play cool music" moment. Thankfully she didn't demand any Wiggles tracks. I flipped over to Devo where she actually screamed her version of "Whip It." Guess she just can't handle flakey British cult stars. Maybe she'd like the Soft Boys better?

poke

Why does an ad for the Cayman islands promising a trip to Stingray City sound like a threat I'd use on the kid if she doesn't clean her plate?

And haven't stingrays lost their fun image after they killed the Croc Hunter?

Panda Dad Vs. Tiger Mom!

Now on the Today Show they have some father passing himself off as Panda Dad, the archenemy of Tiger Mom. His resume includes raising his kids in China while his wife worked as a journalist. What's up with raising kids with Chinese Connections? Is this a nurturing process or a Bruce Lee clone flick? I raise your Tiger Mom and Panda Dad with my Cobra Care! Each day I teach Josie to sweep the leg! No excuses.

My raised by Wolves method appears to be working well. She can now hum-sing along with the HR Pufnstuf theme. Think Tiger Mom and Panda Pappy's brats pulled that off at 22 months?

I want that

Josie insists they make toy sized giraffes like the one in the Direct TV ad. She keeps pointing at the screen and begging for one. Time for break out the gene grafting kit I stashed under the sofa.

for the grown ups

today's Elmo word featured a taxi driven by a muppet with a mohawk. they vamped the main Taxi Driver theme, I don't think Josie caught the DeNiro element. she's more into Raging Bull.

My child

There was a strange thrill that while I played The Damned's "Smash It Up," the baby kept drawing in her coloring book while banging her head to the beat. She doesn't do this to the Wiggles.

That's not good

josie has decided that pants are optional.

I think she's part Kennedy

Dining Out

In order to enjoy our pal's birthday dinner at the Brathaus, we dumped Josie off at my folks' house. This was the first time we'd done it. Seemed it worked out since she spent the hours playing with my old toys from back in the 20th Century. Nothing made noise, but she didn't seem to care. She enjoyed the wooden puzzles that didn't have little handles. Mostly she dug the Sesame Street toys including a finger puppet of Roosevelt Franklin. Remember him?

Dinner tasted so much better since I didn't have to chase the child around the waitress station. We're already plotting another dinner out with the kid spending time with Nana and Grandpa even if it's merely to the McDonald's around the corner.

Getting Jiggy

While up at the lake, my mother-in-law was practicing writing with Josie. She had her attempting to write her name "JO-Z." I couldn't help but wonder if she's too young to have a rap name. Soon she'll have to decide if she's going to be a crip or blood. At least she has experience with her diaper hanging low and full.

What?

during tonight's hockey, one of Becky's co-workers tells me that her friend just bought 5 VIP tickets to see the Imagination Movers. They're a third rate Monkees rip-off watered down to appeal to Disney ethics. But the shock is each VIP ticket is $118. Sure you get to go backstage and have a "party" with the guys. But that's nearly $600 to party. Her kid is 18 months old. I don't like to burst people's bubble, but your 18 month old isn't going to give a crap about what you took her to see cause she won't be remembering it when she turns 3.

Sure I got excited taking Josie to meet Mr. McFeely from Mister Rogers, but he was free at a library. I'm not burning her college fund for a kiddie show. Although I'd probably pay $120 if Josie could get backstage and party with Lemmy from Motorhead. He'd be impressed by Josie's scream and it'd be cool if I get her to sing "Ace of Spades."

Note that there are regular tickets in the $20 range if you don't want to party backstage.

No Record

A three year old in Great Britain was put into rehab for his alcoholism. Of all the records that I know the baby could nab to get into the Guiness Book, this is one I'll skip. My fame hungry daddy image has a limit. Although what is the record for world's youngest baby to ride a moped with the fattest twins?

Bribe me!

Why didn't Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day products give me a Target giftcard to plug their junk? Don't they think I have low ethical standards? I'm going to have a talk with Mr. Meyer about his wife. Or maybe he's fearful that I'll seduce her with my daddy talk?

You Wanna Piece of Me?

The kid now likes to yank off the top of her onesie and walk around with it around her waist. I can't help but remember some pro wrestler from the '70s that would do this after working himself into a frenzy.

Support the Street

I've had it with the GOP attacking PBS because somehow they think Sesame Street ought to be a victim of the Free Market and not given a little tax payer funding.

Yet at the same time, these same Congressmen go nuts if I demand that the taxpayers quit sponsoring a NASCAR team for nearly $10 million. Because somehow a car going around a track 200 times is National Defense, but the Count telling kids in Alabama that there's more numbers than they have fingers isn't that important. Remind me again how many billions we've shipped off to Iraq and Afghanistan over the last decade that has just vanished from the books? And Big Bird is the problem?

Just remember that the free market is currently having ZERO issues with putting cadmium in your child's toys because it's cheaper than lead. Even when it was shown to be in Miley Cyrus jewelry, WalMart waited three months to pull it off the shelf - because that's what the free market does.

timing

is it just me or do the guys who are the Wiggles come off as if they merely videotaped the camera walk thru? They're like the Monkees on cough syrup.

tricky wording

How do I ask a mommy at Rhyme Time if she'd like to have a playdate without it sounding like it's kids optional?

she's got the beat

Josie now claps at the right time when I sing "If You're Happy and You Know It." Now we must work on the drum solo for Wipeout.

The Escalator Disaster

Josie made her first viral video - she's on the left being held by the wife. She's wearing a pink hat.

Video: L'Enfant Plaza Escalator Malfunction: MyFoxDC.com

sick

why is it when you're feeling sick, the baby knows exactly when to come over and poke your nose?

Those eyes

While driving back from lunch, I caught Josie giving me a Kubrick stare. I need to videotape this gaze.

Oops

It's only funny when little kids fall because they haven't that far to drop.

New Series

Her Life of Crime

I'm not saying my daughter is turning into Lindsay Lohan, but today during the Rhyme Time at the Library she found a little zebra figure and refused to give it up. None of the other kids or parents seemed concerned. But I asked around the nearby mommies and nobody claimed it. Thus I decided to not spend the next two hours listening to Josie scream for the return of her precious zebra.

After it was over, I asked the librarian in charge if any mothers were asking about the zebra. Turns out it had been abandoned in the room a couple days before. Thus I allowed Josie to take it home. Figure we'll take it to the next Rhyme Time to see if any parent claims it. Why not make my kid a movable Lost and Found box?

I hope TMZ doesn't find out about this.

should I be annoyed that the baby says "Steve!" when watching Blue's Clue, but never gets excited when Joe is on the episode?

truth of the comb

I'm going to come out and confess that most of the time my toddler's hair looks like a rat's nest. I've had a shaved head for over a decade. It's been a while since I've been able to run a comb through what was left of my hair. I don't wake up and give my dome a brushing. So naturally I don't think much about doing it to the baby. Which isn't a good thing.

The easy answer is to raise the kid a Rasta. But I don't know if I can handle that much jerk sauce in my kitchen.

Guess I must retrain myself to carrying about hair being properly groomed. This is the bad part about being a dad since we didn't have to comb or brush GI Joe's life-like hair. And Ken had plastic hair so it didn't matter. I'm so helpless on this. Maybe we should get father-daughter matching haircuts so that she can go as that bald woman from Star Trek: The Motion Picture for Halloween?

hint?

Lately the toddler has been running around the house clutching a copy of Jim Thompson's "The Killer Inside Me." Should I be scared at this random weirdness?

Ouch - Me Edition

The baby got excited while finishing up her bath. I was leaning in to wrap the towel around her when she jumped up and nailed my lip with her head. Now I've got a swollen lip for the evening.

Why doesn't the press cover the trauma and stigma of parents abused by toddlers? Why do they give a 20 month old baby a free ride in the world of dishing out abuse? Where is MSNBC's expose on the parents who have been harmed the most by toddlers? Nobody sticks up for the parents of head butting babies.

BOOM

I think the baby has destroyed my wireless keyboard. She decided to slam it against the coffeetable so the batteries flew out of it. Now it seems to only type A. She's only five keyboards behind me.

Ouch

A woman from Alaska thought it would be smart to have her 10 year old videotaping her methods of punishing a kid to air on Dr. Phil. She forced the boy to take hits of hot sauce and take a cold shower to give him discipline. Naturally the authorities have now charged her for child abuse since she provided evidence via a nationally syndicated show.

I don't think hot saucing a kid is a smart move since it might turn them into Cajuns. What parent wants to wake up and discover their children are secretly watching Southern Comfort and not rooting for the National Guardsmen?

And cold showers in Alaska? This increases the chances of that child being a Polar Bear. She's not fixing anything with her punishment methods. She's merely helping this child spend the rest of his life looking for kinky activities on Craigslist.

The mother's lawyer claimed that sometimes she gets overwhelmed by raising 6 kids. Trouble is the boy and his twin brother were adopted from Russia when they were 5 years old. She went out and bought her problems. One second you want to share your love, but when things don't turn out perfect, you hit it with a bottle of Texas Pete like a weak Taco Bell burrito. That's not a mothering skill.

we took the baby to the art museum to see an exhibit of Eric Carle illustrations. She was more excited about climbing the rocks outside. She's in her outdoor phase.

does not compute

The baby is now addicted to playing with the portable dvd player. She can't get enough of it. She turns it on. She knows how to put the DVD on the spindle. She seems to know how to press the play button. it's insane. After 10 years, my own mother can't do this as fast. She's going to be bored by technology when she turns 3.

Fate

What amazes me is how before Rhyme Time starts at the library, Josie races to the front of the room to shout at the mothers and babies while waving her arms. I have this horrible fear that she'll be pumping up the crowd at arenas for hyping pyramid schemes.

Sir Elton - What?

Fatherhood, says Elton John, “is surprisingly very relaxing because this little soul that you are feeding, changing, bathing and that you’re telling bedtime stories to is a blank palette, a blank canvas and all it needs is love and nurturing.”

Where did he find this baby? Or does he have sound proof walls between the nursery and his bedroom? Does he live next to an ether factory?

Surprising relaxing? You know what my surprise was - never getting any sleep. I still have the 4:30 a.m. screams of "I'm not going to bed" rattling in my head. I was a zombie dad for those first months.

all my baby needed was love and nurturing - but I needed earplugs. I was the blank canvas that was turned into the ending of Eraserhead.

Father-Daughter Time

We're sitting back watching The Best of John Belushi. Shame she has to live in world with only Jim Belushi.

Hyannisport here we come

So I'm now the Vice Chair of the North Raleigh district of the Community Advisory Council. That means my child is now growing up as part of a political family. I get to figure out horrible family pictures to push agendas. How many ugly sweaters can a child wear before it's considered child abuse?

The good news is this is the most I'll do in politics since there was zero background checks outside of declaring I live in the district. No need for the media to poke around my history. The videos of me telling the baby stuff will probably scare enough voters.

Cap It

Nothing makes you think hard about the consequences of having a second child like a 1 year old's birthday party. They're in full motion. They're everywhere. They have to make more noise than the last. Nobody wants to admit it really isn't also their birthday. Instead of being a parental figure, you're reduced to the referee at a pitbull fight. You go from raising a baby to juggling chainsaws with a second little one. In fact, it might be best for sanity to install a pitbull fighting ring in the nursery.

those are....

Why is it that half my conversations now involve explaining where hands become fingers? Sadly enough, these are normally with adults.

was just informed that Josie is no longer eligible for Baby Cage Fighting. She's too old. Luckily enough, she's going to be a founding member of Toddler Terrordome.

grow up so fast

we had Josie's hair cut so she now has bangs. Amazing how a few snips changes a face. Now she really does look like a little kid and not a baby. The nice thought is that you won't be able to tell her daily diet from inspecting her hair.

Late in the afternoon, Josie came into the room carrying my shoes. She wanted me to take her out into the cold night. I needed to get the mail so it made sense to bundle up and head out with her. She grabbed my cellphone, opened it up and started an imaginary conversation. She gabbed away the entire walk to and from the mailbox. She didn't put down the phone until we got back in the house. It was such a weird moment since it felt like she was a teenager completely ignoring me even though I was carrying her.

She's 19 months going on 19 now.

Amy Chua's "Chinese Mothers are Superior" is another a case of someone who refuses to understand the parental genius of a slacker dad. Just cause I can't make a wonton, my child is going to end up riding the short bus to oblivion? I think not. I bet her child can't hit Nina Hagen notes when upset.

Cable Crazy

did you know that you've got a higher chance of being exposed to new musical groups through Yo Gabba Gabba than MTV. On the other hand, you've got a higher chance of exposing your kids to the "joys" of being a teenage mom by watching MTV.

I should be telling my kid to turn off MTV to avoid that devil music. Instead it's more to make her avoid seeing what utter douchebags teens have become in America.

I have this strange fear that even after she's outgrown it, I'll be tuning into Yo Gabba Gabba to figure out what's worth hunting down on youtube

Return East

After five days, the baby no longer wakes up around 10 a.m. Her 8:30 a.m. scream reminded me that she's back on the East coast and my quiet mornings are coming to an end. She'll probably be back to a 7 a.m. shriek by Monday.

Time Passages

Returning from our week in Pasadena is all about readjusting the baby's body clock. She didn't completely turn into a West Coast child during the trip. Sure she liked staying up till 10 p.m. but she always got up at 6 a.m. So far she's been getting up around 10 a.m. This moves naptime back a few hours.

While I force her to hit the crib at 8 p.m. (her normal bedtime) - there's no way I'm going to wake her up at 8 a.m. (her normal wake up time). Why? Cause there's no more precious gift than baby sleeping time. Thankfully Goldman Sachs hasn't figured out a way to bundle baby sleep time and sell it to foreign investors and hedge funds.

Bad touch

The TSA body searched my kid. Nothing nicer than watching a stranger do things to my child that would send a mall Santa to prison.

The strange though is that they didn't check her poopie diaper to make sure it wasn't full of black tar heroin.

Hmmm

Why does it seem more easy for a kid to learn a cuss word than a nice one?

bad influence

today's Sesame Street focused on Cookie Monster. before the episode was over, the baby dragged me into the kitchen and pointed at the Tupperware full of cookies. Nineteen months old and already the victim of TV marketing.

The best part of New Year's Eve was getting a sitter for the baby so we could go off without a care. Well there's still a nasty knowledge knowing that there's no such thing as real recovery time since the baby doesn't believe in giving you the break. So we weren't going to get blotto with a cabbie pouring us on our front steps. Still it was a joyful rush that we were going to get to be adults and not have to swap off eyeballing the human tornado.

Then the weird thing happened that one of our friend kept turning to the Kids channel on Music Choice. We can't escape the world we've slipped into.