Born on a big day

Didn't even notice that June 12th, the day Josie is due is when they kill analog TV signals. She really is going to be born into a world that isn't like the one I grew up in.

freezer fun

Last night's pregnancy prep class dealt with breastfeeding. Becky seems to like the idea more and more. Especially as we talk about the price of baby formula. The only thing that we have to worry about is having enough space in the freezer. This means I'll have to eat more ice cream in the coming weeks to make that space. Mmmmm. That's a good excuse a good excuse for having ice cream every day.

how tall?

Becky says that Josie should be 15 inches tall inside her belly. That means she's only 4 feet and 7 inches short of her career as a supermodel.

Mailmen know things

This morning the doorbell rings. it's Teddy my mailman with a package. He's always good at ringing the bell and waiting for me to answer instead of just dump and running like the UPS guy.

He asks me when he's not going to be able to ring my doorbell anymore. And I'm thinking that he's getting cut as part of the post office cutbacks. I tell him that he can always ring my doorbell.

He reminds me that I won't want people ringing the doorbell when Josie comes home. Don't need to wake the baby. He said I need to put a sign over the doorbell to say, "Don't Ring - Knock Softly."

Another thing on my "to do" list to complete in the next 10 weeks.

Teddy has a few kids so he knows the routine.

Badly Understood Advice from the Breastfeeding video

"Experiment with several nipples to see what your baby prefers."

This advice worked for me in my later years.

Also there's something strange about them talking about babies and nipple rings. I don't even want to get the kid's ears pierced until she's a teen. How am I supposed to explain to the guard why my toddler is setting off the metal detector at the airport?

wrong reaction

at no point while watching films about "naturally feeding your baby" am I allowed to impersonate Quagmire from Family Guy.

The expert keeps harping on how the newborn must get good suction action on the mother's nipple. It's hard not to poke Becky's stomach and remind Josie to "suck hard when you get out."

Ickkkkk

We're watching a video given to us by the birthing class nurse. Part of the tape deals with the various changes in what's normal for vaginal discharge. Becky was wincing in pain. Then they talk about painful urine and breast getting raw. Becky doesn't seem to thrilled at her future. There's more discharge talk in this video than my complete collection of Gomer Pyle.

Now they're showing the black tar bowel movements in a diaper. Here comes the various ways the poop will change as the baby ages per day. I need to get dad's old gas mask.

It takes a few weeks for the umbilical cord to fall off. That's not a pretty sight either.

Baby spit up mucus? They're like mini-Frat Boys.

After this video, I'm going to have to put in a copy of Night of the Living Dead to cleanse my eyes of this upcoming horror.

Highest Price?

I feel really great with the news that Angelina Jolie and Madonna are now in a bidding war for Josie. While I haven't put the child up on eBay, somehow they think that there's a price for anything in the world. Unfortunately when I asked either party if they'd enjoy a personal pan baby direct from the chef, they declined.

Also Octomom's agent has been sniffing around. Seems she wants to continue her run at the Duggers. The issue is that Octomom wants to stage it as if Josie was one the doctors didn't notice inside her and was baked a little longer than the other 8 kiddies. I'm not to keen on that idea. And she's only willing to trade slightly used MAC cosmetics and a pair of Gloria Allred's panties.

What I have to look forward to:

Leslie sent us this little astrology snipped about what to expect from Josie if she's born on her due date:

The outgoing Gemini girl is clever and quick-witted. Something of a social butterfly, she adores having an abundance of friends. The family telephone line is apt to be perpetually busy and this young lady is adept at talking on the phone while also sending e-mails. Indeed, each and every item of communication in any form dispatched will be deemed both delightful and dazzling to the recipients. There is no doubt that internet chat rooms were created with the Gemini girl in mind. Here, a slew of hobbies and interests is needed to keep this rapid-fire mind occupied...which is why the girl governed by Gemini dabbles in everything from aerobics to Zen. However, as much as she loves to talk (and she always seems to have the "scoop" on everything), this young lady will also be on top of her studies and can sometimes manage to achieve straight A's without even trying (although networking with the teacher could have something to do with her success). The Gemini girl enjoys engaging in sports such as swimming and laps around the track would also be a good way to burn off some of her abundant energy. She will probably also be heavily involved in the school newpaper, either as a reporter or the resident gossip columnist.


This means I'll have to find a good text messenger plan on the cellphone. Plus she'll take over my Party Favors column.

Monkey bars?

While it's great to have a kid on the way, the romantic side of life has become complicated like Denise Richards. No longer can we just be spontaneous in moments and positions. And because Becky's body is changing, what worked last week might not be an optimal arrangement today. Mostly it involves me having to shift my weight and eventually steal moves that I've seen in Cirque du Soleil highlight films. It's like bowling in that the next morning my body aches from using unusual muscle combinations.

11

Becky just mentioned it will be 11 more weeks until her due date. I'm saving up on sleep. Or should I practice waking up twice a night and meandering into Josie's bedroom as prep?

Damn it

The baby nurse told me that under no circumstances am I to leave Josie in water unattended. What? When did this become a rule? And why couldn't they have told me before I registered for Baby's First Sensory Depravation Tank? No Altered States action for Josie.

Wanna drink?

During the Doctor's appointment, I asked how old does a kid have to be to drink Red Bull. I'm tempted by juicing up a pal's kids before they get in the car. That would make them more out of control than a box of Cocopuffs.

Ewww

Tonight at birthing class I learned that there's a high chance during Becky's labor pains that she's going to be puking on me. The contractions do weird things to a woman's guts besides pop out a baby. This won't be the first time Becky has puked around me - although it might be the first time it's not purplish from red wine and blue cocktails.

I will remember not to wear any nice shirts into the delivery room.

Drats

I've been told that a baby needs to get a sense of a regular schedule to adjust them to the course of a day. However 4:20, Beer thirty and Happy Hour are not approved times for a newborn to put on their schedule of daily activities. Friday Night Smackdown is also verbotten.

Hush

The sound of children crying in public places is now twice as annoying. Mainly cause it reminds me that in a few months, I'm going to be the parent trying to figure why the hell the kid won't zip it. My genius idea for calming down the baby turns out to be severally against the law. When did they make it illegal to let babies take hits of nitrous?

First they took away my right to buy a trained chimp and now this. For all the people who whine that the government is setting up a nanny state, I can assure you that they are not making my job as a future parent any easier.

Why Oprah?

We're watching a Lamaze video and Oprah shows up to tell us about the joy of having a baby and how it changes our life. Great, but she ain't got no kids keeping her up with feedings every three hours. She's got dogs that seem to die in freak accidents. She tells us that giving attention is important to the baby. No kidding. Cause I figured that shortly after Josie arrives, she's going to ask for the car keys and head down to the mall to check out the latest Blackberries so she can text message all her friends from the hospital nursery.

If Oprah is so concerned about us having maximum time to bond with the baby, maybe she could give us $10 million. We could quit working and make sure the kid gets around the clock attention from us or the staff of the Swiss boarding school that I'll be able to afford with Oprah's generous grant. I think it's important that newborn babies are exposed to the smell of fine chocolates. And if Oprah withholds funds, Josie can go next door to work assembling Swiss Army knives.

My Baby Learns Fast!

One of the things Becky registered for was a comfy chair that rocks. The rocker just seemed to be too wooden and I could just imagine me checking Josie into the back of it. The thing was the comfy rockers at Babiesrus were rather pricey - along with the matching Ottoman. Becky really wanted the sage colored seat. But we were informed that the manufacturer considered that color an extreme special order. This means we'd have to wait 4 to 6 months. By then we'd need a love seat rocker for the two us to fit in one rocking space. They had a navy blue style that was on sale since the model was being discontinued. So we went with it. Becky's grandmother told us to buy it and she'd pay us back. So we ordered and got more than the advertised discount. Turns out that the Ottoman was free with the purchase of the chair. Guess they didn't want a warehouse filled with unwanted Ottoman. So Josie scored a major discount. She's already learning what it means to be a Corey: There is no greater sin than paying the retail price!

Can It Hear Me?

I put my mouth on Becky's belly and scream a message to Josie: "We know you are in there. We're going to get help!"

It's a World O' Babies

Becky lured me over to BabiesRUs to see the major stuff she has put on the registry. The big things was a giant stuffed chair that rocks. Got to try that out since I'll be spending plenty of time with Josie in it. It's nice and cushy. I only wish it had a holding for my beer. Daddy needs a reason to burp too!

The stuff I saw was pretty well coordinated. The Ladybug theme will be overwhelming. But little kids need big dots. She didn't show me the clothes. i kinda wanted to get a Onesie that read "Daddy's Alibi." I've been informed that I will be harmed if I buy the "Hooters Waitress in Training."

The bad part about BabiesRUs is that place is filled with babies. It's not like people feel obligated to bring their Barbies to Thee Dollhouse. How am I supposed to focus on the future of my child with crying brats all around me? Why must they sabotage my perfect vision of Josie, the most well behaved baby in the World? Although I think that my internal mute button is pushed when I imagine the kid.

scent of a dad

Becky said that at this point Josie can smell. Which leads me to wonder how. Is it from what she's smelling? Or breathing?

should I be doing stuff to reaffirm my odor to the child so when she's born, she can sniff out dad? Maybe I should wear a dad cologne? The worst idea I had was to pass a lot of gas. That however would be bad when I'd let one rip in the delivery room in order to let Josie know that she was in daddy's arms. Nurses might not understand the concept.

Probably best to use more underarm speed stick and show up in the delivery room wearing a tank top. Then the nurses would think I'm Richard Simmon's overweight brother.

Famous First Words.

Lately I've been thinking about what should be the first words I say to Josie in the delivery room. Sure the kid isn't going to understand a word coming out of my mouth or even have clue who the big bald guy with glasses is. Although she might suspect we're related since I'll be gagging from all the goo that will be sticking on her. But what will i saw to her in her first moments of light and non-liquid environment?

The natural instinct is to just say, "I'm your daddy!" But I'd have to worry about flashbacks to way too many torrid nights with strange women. Wearing latex gloves and the odor of medical lubricants, won't help me forget all those times I told certain dates that I was daddy. I guess if I can't name the kid after a Hooter's waitress, I better not share the words I've used on a Hooter's waitress or two or three. Or at least told them in my really active imagination.

The phrase that keeps coming back to me is what pilots used to say on flights as we taxied to the gate. In the era before 9/11, at the end of the pilot telling us about the weather and connecting flights, he'd announce: "And now ends the safest part of your journey."

That pretty much sums up the act of being born. And it would be a fun story for her to relate to people about what her dad was like. "When I was born, he told me, 'And now ends the safest part of your journey.'"

I'll probably become so overcome with emotion that I'll probably declare, "Where are the other 7 babies? What a letdown."

Leslie Is Getting Coal for Christmas

Dan calls at 8:30 a.m. and starts making a crying noise. Then he keeps repeating crap his wife said during her pregnancy and after the baby was born.

I could have gone another month before these calls started. But Leslie had to give Dan's wife advance alert to the Baby Shower. Her Christmas gift is now slowly moving down the present scale from a new pony to a copy of "Nash Bridges: Season Two."

The Pillow Game

Becky is now up to using 6 pillows when it comes to sleeping. She has two under her head, one between her knees, another under her belly for Josie's bean, long one that goes under her neck and finally one jammed against her back to keep her from sleeping face up. It's like an engineering marvel. This is how they support a historic building from an earthquake.

I've always wondered why women are fixed on covering their beds with numerous pillows. I've seen beds were half the King-sized mattress was a wall of pillows. I've always wondered why they'd spend that much time and space on pillows. One little Now I know why. It is their secret code that they want to get knocked up. There's a purpose to those pillows.

Not that name!

Dan swears he's going to call the kid Outlaw Josey Wales.

I'm going to teach Josie to say, "Is that considered funny in your part of the world?"

The Secret is Out

Last night around 9:30 the phone rings. It's Dan. He keeps repeating Congratulations. I do my best to play dumb, but the gig is up. Turns out his wife got the baby shower invitation from Leslie. The party isn't until the end of April. Why did she have to mail them out so soon?

Dan calls me up this morning to inform me of the living hell my life is about to become and how he's going to come over and watch it. I inform him that my Josie will make him feel intellectually inferior. She'll understand the concept of dressing chimps up in human clothes rules over humans dressing up as monkeys.

He's quit his sub teacher gig so that means he'll have more time to call and remind me....ahhhhhhhh.

Quiet time has officially ended.

She is real

Last night was the third pregnancy class and the first in which I took Becky. Now everyone knows I wasn't some creepy guy who liked hanging out with expecting couples. There probably are people who do such things with the constant, "My wife must be lost in traffic" excuse.

The big thing last night was watching videos of women using various push methods to get the baby to pop out. One of the more startling thing had this giant amount of organic matter come hurling out before the baby. This leads me to want to pay a pair of safety goggles. It was like a Dario Argento movie. I'm rather happy I didn't let becky watch the Dawn of the Dead remake with the zombie woman spitting out the zombie baby.

The bad news is no matter how much I plead, I don't get any of the drugs reserved for becky. Why can't I take a couple hits of morphine? I'm going to be in pain when she won't let go of my arm. wonder if they'll have a tv set in the delivery room. This is going to take several hours and it will be in the middle of baseball season.

phone chat

a pal calls up the other day.

"Are you excited and overwhelmed with the baby coming so soon?" he asks.

"I'm in complete denial. And by the time I'm willing to admit the situation, Josie will be old enough to deny that she has to pay attention to me."

It's all a matter of a perfect circle of timing.

we have a motif!

Becky went off with her mom to register for baby stuff at Babiesrus and Target. Without any warning, she went nuts for ladybug stuff. "It was sooooo cute," she explained to me. I couldn't protest even if it won't go with my theme of "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine." So the kid will grow up with red and black all over the room. It's not that bad since ladybugs don't bite. My sister-in-law has gone with a bee theme. I don't need a kid who doesn't think it's bad to pat things with stingers. This is also why I wouldn't let Becky register for the rattlesnake comforter.

Bean returns

Becky has returned from her week in Hartford. Josie has made her belly even bigger. That kid really knows how to take up a lot of space - and mostly from her mom's bladder. After Josie pops out, it would be good to get like one of those squishy seats for her to lay on so she can remember what it's like to press up against organs?

Becky is now round enough that I have to help her put on socks. I could have bought a trained chimp to do such things. But thanks to evil people in Congress, the Chimp market has been shut down. One Chimp goes ape and rips off a woman's face and somehow it's got to be stopped. A Doctor in New England lets his son blow his own head off with an automatic weapon and you don't see D.C. passing any bans on automatic weapons or smart people doing dumb things. I won't be taking Josie off to the pumpkin patch to fire any Uzis until she's ready to go on a cross country crime spree.

damn internet

I spend way too much time using the normal cleaning stuff hoping to get the duct tape residue off the crib, but it doesn't get the gooey junk off the wood. But then I hit the internet and quickly discover the solution is WD-40. Really? But I have nothing to lose except a "you didn't clean the crib" lecture from Becky. And let's face it, I'm more engrossed in the ACC tourney. So I decide there's nothing wrong with hitting the kid's crib with WD-40 since she won't be sleeping in it for another 3 months. By that time, her bed shouldn't have new engine smell.

A few squirts and an intense rub with a paper towel. and it's as good as used. Wow. It is a miracle substance. Now I won't have to worry about tacky baby syndrome. Or at least Josie having smudgy fingers.

a clash

I just realized that I only use Macs and Becky is addicted to Windows. What operating system shall be chosen for Josie?

That much?

I was told that the average newborn goes through 10 diapers a day. What? Can't this kid hold it? I don't even think puppies piss that much. Maybe they do and I just don't pay attention when they get dumped in the backyard.

What a prop

Went to another pregnancy class without becky. Tonight I learned that she's going to be in a world of hurt on delivery day. We're talking hours of it - especially for her first pop tart. I'm thinking for my own safety, I should get one of those fake foam arms so she can clutch my wrist without smashing all the bones.

Threat no longer valid

I've been informed that you can no longer sell babies via the internet to be used as Tiger Bait. Damn it.

Back to that space

We came home with tons of baby furniture and toddler toys from Dana. The front room is no longer a clear space. I feel like my week of downsizing has been an illusion.

Why does a baby need so much stuff and a space? They're tiny. They can't drive, code, use the DVD player properly or knit. They just lie on their back and make goofy noises at mobiles.

Babies are the Jack Russell Terriers of human. You think they're a tiny dog that can live in your coat pocket, but the damn things need a two acre backyard. Big difference is that babies are pretty much useless when you take them into the wilderness for an afternoon of weaseling.

Front Room

The front bedroom is finally empty of stuff and ready for Josie's furniture. All my books, CDs, VHS and "vintage" t-shirts are now in my parents' new attic. I hope this kid understands the sacrifices I made for her. At least she'll have something to poke around in when we visit grandma.

Ouchhhhhh

I'm still digesting last night's baby birthing class. It was strange to be the single guy in the room. I should have brought a wedding picture just to prove I'm really married and have a kid on the way. They showed me how big 10 cms are - especially since that's how much space Josie will use for her big escape. I could lose the cellphone if I'm not careful.

Most of the night focused on breathing and massages to help comfort the wife in labor. There was talk of pillows, lollipops, comfortable clothes and ice chips. You had to be careful of odors, lights and music. As everyone around the room practiced techniques, I couldn't help but think that this was like a rave. I hope Josie doesn't wear dumb hats and wave around glowsticks when she's born.

Yuck

While sitting in a waiting room, I began to read a book about raising a baby. Why did they have to use the phrase "the consistency of peanut butter?" How am I supposed to open a jar of Skippy without gagging? Why couldn't they use Nutella or Vegamite? Why must I be prepared to dread something I love?

ouch

Becky's gone this week for work. I miss being wrapped around her and trying to feel Josie kick. Although I know I'll be feeling a major kick if I don't have the front bedroom cleaned out by Friday night.

Not so Fast!

I have at least 2 years before I have to clean up the computer and delete those special bookmarks