oh that smell

We get lucky when Becky finds a breast pump for a great price on Craigslist. Luckily the person selling it to us wasn't a homicidal med school student. We drop by their place to get it. The couple have 2 kids. Their house smells like kids. DiId I make my parents house smell like that? How fast will it be for me to not notice that odor? When do kids stop making things smell like kids? Maybe Axe makes a body spray for babies?

Shopping for baby

I have survived a trip to Babies-R-Us with my wife and mother-in-law. We went to pick up items that weren't given at the two baby showers. This mainly consisted of the Pack and Play (since Playpen sounds to confining), a babysling and the ladybug sheets for the crib. But there's always the fear of what else will they toss into the buggy.

My first rule was to never stand between my wife and her mom. Who knew what they'd force me to hold and declare as precious.

The one thing they did stock that I wanted to buy the baby was a Wii. I can't think of any baby that wouldn't want to play with one - or just watch their father enjoy himself playing Madden football on the TV. Becky informed me that we wouldn't register for that. Instead we bought me a macho diaper bag that can hang from the stroller. That's such an even swap.

During the shopping, I passed by a guy who was pushing his baby around on a stroller. I swear he flashed me the "run while you can" look. But I can't because there will be nowhere to hide. Especially when my mom comes after me.

At the end of the trip, we didn't buy up the store.

transition

The guest room closet that was once filled with my VHS tapes is now flowing with little girl outfits. of course the first several months Josie will be kept in onesies or t-shirt and diaper. No need to overdress a baby in the summer time. And no need to spend too much money on a baby's t-shirt. Although the "Hooter's Waitress in Training" t-shirt is tempting.

Hurry up and wait

You sit around imagining all the things the kid will be doing with the baby shower stuff. It's a nice daydream until you run into a one year old kid and realize there ain't much stuff going on with them. They're not quite at the little people phase. Josie will pretty much be like that animatronic seal pup that was featured in Mechanical Love.

That's why they say that

Lately Becky's been complaining about how her feet have become swollen. They're becoming Flintstone sized feet. But this now explains the whole "keep her pregnant and barefoot" line. It's not the guy who is keeping his woman without shoes - it's the wife realizing her old footwear hurts.

They really should make pregnancy shoes with elastics to expand during these advanced months.

More stuff

We had the second baby shower and got more diapers. I think this means we'll have enough to cover the first week of Josie home from the hospital. After that, she better be ready for the toilet.

But I got 2 of them!

Thanks to the first baby shower, we now have 2 Boppies. I don't even know what to do with 1 Boppy. Although I've been told they are very good for the baby and me. Now I have an upstairs Boppy and downstairs Boppy so I won't have to lug it around with the baby. I wonder if there's an instructional video for Boppy use featuring Corbin Bernsen?

Too Cool for School?

During a party last weekend, a bunch of little kids were racing around a backyard being extra noisy. Did I run around screaming like a moron when I was that little?

What really annoyed me was this 2 year old kid scooting around in a black CBGB t-shirt. First I know the kid never went to CBGB. I don't even think the kid can sing a Ramones song - let alone quote me some Patti Smith. I don't want Josie wearing t-shirts that make her seem smarter than she is. Granted she'll strange enough in kindergarten when she declares that the Rolling Stones were best with Mick Taylor. What did that toddler know about CBGB? He might as well be wearing a Plato's Retreat t-shirt. Although that would be a great toddler t-shirt: My Parents went to Plato's Retreat and all they got was this t-shirt and me!

Sure I bought Josie a few Redsox t-shirts, but they were $3 a pop. Which is rather cheap.

I don't want to completely force my taste on Josie. I don't think a kid wants to like exactly what their old man likes. It didn't work for me. Although it does help that my dad has terrible taste.

Maybe I'll get her a Josie and the Pussycats t-shirt. But that's a name joke.

Please Give....

I'm starting a brand new charity with Josie as the poster child.

The Society to Eliminate Infant Drooling needs your help. Did you know that infants across the world are struck with this horrible thing we call drooling? They can't stop it. But maybe, if you give enough, we can prevent it for future generations. Let's all pitch together and dig into our wallets and donate to this worthy charity. Let's wipe drooling off the list of childhood aliments like Scarlet Fever, Esa Tikkanen and Vitas Gerulaitis.

If you can't give, write the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and let them know that their billions could go straight into researching infant drool.

Remember that infant drool drips on all of us...it burns.

I'm old....

Why did it hit me that if I had a kid after college, they'd be finishing up college this year. I'd be one of those dads that barely remembers diapers. I wouldn't really have digital pictures of that kid. They'd be on film negatives. and I wouldn't have properly edited home movies of her.

Josie will make me feel young or whooped.

Me and My Big Blog

After writing about checking to make sure the toilet seats are down before Becky gets home, I screw up. I had to pick her up at work so we could get the second car from the shop. When she got back, she went into the downstairs bathroom and let out a scream. Ouch. Luckily she didn't fall in.

Kicking count

during today's doctor appointment, they gave Becky a chart to keep track of how many times Josie kicks after dinner. Is this information going to be used for NCAA women soccer early scouting reports? I hope they don't forward this data to the local karate school. I don't need this kid trained as a lethal weapon until she's at least five.

Bing

Becky swears that by the end of the week, she'll have a outie belly button. The baby is making space anywhere she can inside her mom. I don't get why nature didn't make this belly button popping out the sign that a woman is ready to give birth. Why should frozen Butterball Turkeys get it right? Instead nature gives us the whole water breaking thing that is such a mess. Imagine how easy it'd be to wonder if your wife is ready to be brought to the hospital. The nurse could say, "Has her belly button popped?" No. "Well the baby needs to spend more time in the oven. Don't start poking her with a fork. She's not ready." I do hope that in the midst of the panic time in mid-June, I don't foolishly call the Butterball hotline. I'll know something is wrong when the woman on the phone asks what I did with the giblets.

Down Time

At this point in the pregnancy Becky has a bladder the size of a shot bottle. I'm learning quickly that there is no such thing as driving for longer than 20 minutes without a bathroom break. I'm only taking routes that go past Bojangles chicken joints so she can do her business and I can have Cajun fried goodness.

The biggest thing I have to remember is always make sure that the toilet seat is left down. When she says she's coming home, i check both toilets to make sure they are ready. She's got no time for such things. Also this goes double for when she goes to bed. She will inflict harm on me if she gets a wet ass at 3 a.m. She has threatened to wake me up with her wet ass in my slumbering face. I don't even want to be "told" once that way.

Shower Season

We had the first of the three baby showers at the cabin on Lake Gaston. It was kind of strange since by our figuring, this was the place that Josie was conceived. We didn't tell too many people this strange fact. It is a very personal space for us since this is also where we had our wedding reception. Such a beautiful view of the lake from this house on a point in the middle of the lake so it's water on nearly all sides.

The party was nice - although I ducked most of the ooohing and awwwwwing by taking dad over to my father-in-law's ranch. We manned up by watching Tarzan killing Nazis.

When we brought the gifts home and unpacked them, it house now has a definitive "baby is coming" smell. We got tons of diapers from folks which is so nice. But the frightening thought is that for the first few weeks, the she'll go through about 10 diapers a day. The pooping never stops.

No matter how bad the smell gets, I'll focus on the view of the lake from the deck.

Damn science

In an effort to keep the kid from getting sick, I had looked into having her Scotch Guarded in the delivery room. The guy at the Scotch hotline told me that you can't do that. It's part of their corporate warnings - right next to using it as a salad topper. Guess I'm justing got to have to put her in a gerbil ball with a mega-filter on the airholes.

Not a good idea

I figured the best way for the baby to like me is to do what you do to dogs - sneak them bacon. Babies can't have bacon until months later. Why are all my genius ideas being shot down by medical realities?

Beaned baby

In the newspaper today was a report of a 7 month old baby that got beaned at a Durham Bulls game. The kid took a foul ball because his dad was holding him and not paying attention to the crack of the bat. Why? Cause dad was at the picnic area that hosts the corporate cookouts. Those people aren't there to watch the game. I don't get why they don't have safety netting around that zone since they party zone people are too busy kissing corporate ass to care about balls and strikes.

Luckily Josie won't have to worry about this since when I have to take her to see the PawSox, I'll get seats behind the backstop or deep in the outfield bleachers. Or I'll just have the folks watch her while we go to the ballgame. That might be better since it's not like I can send Josie to the concession stand to get me a beer. Babies don't have any game when it comes to selling a fake ID to a vendor.

It's a boy...for them

just got word that my brother and his wife are having a boy. This means they won't be competing for girl presents during baby shower season. He's on the road to handmedown city.

Mom said that under no circumstances am I to send the kid gifts with tags that read "Will's Brother."

Where's the Dad?

They did a piece on the Today Show about this website for moms who grow frustrated with their kids. They post how they can't stand their kids or other wrong things. Not only do they have a book and a website, but they showed a commercial promoting the site that featured only moms talking about raising their kids.

What about the stay at home dad? Why is Mr. Mom being excluded from this world? He's got a tougher road to follow since he doesn't have maternal instincts. If he does have them, he's probably featured on "Toddlers and Tiaras." Men must gain twice the baby education in 1/40 of the time. Men didn't spend their youth putting diapers on dolls and imagining a structured life of child raising. A man's "dolls" were GI Joes. They trained their dolls to slaughter the enemy. Men learned how to put guns and and rifles in their doll's hands. Babies are not good killing machines outside of destroying our adult lives. Babies don't have Kung Fu grip or dueling scars. A baby is a brand new experience for a man. Even as a child, a man's parents didn't want them to help raise their siblings. Why? Because they might rough house and damage the baby. We were raised with the harsh warning to not drop the baby or put our finger through their skull. Mothers trust the family pitbulls to properly take care of the baby more than their sons.

And this woman and her sisterly plight wants to act like we don't exist. As if a man who wants to stay home to raise the kid cause the wife has the better job is doing nothing more than being an substitute teacher for the wife. That my role is to merely give Josie busy work and read the prepared lesson plan until her mommy gets home.

I'm not going demand to know "where is my website to say how my kid drives me nuts." Cause this is that site for me. But what about the father who wants a semi-support group? I'm not a supporter. Any advice you lift from my writing should never be repeated in front of social services, your pediatrician and Dr. Terry Brazelton. Cause they'll be jealous that they didn't think of it first and take out their anger on you.

This is discrimination.

FInally happened

After months of people asking, Becky finally had that craving that sent me to grocery store. After dinner she wanted frozen berries. Thus I did the right thing and scooted to the store and headed to the freezer section. When do we get to the pickles and ice cream level?

that didn't work

Becky didn't buy my excuse that the toilet seat was left up last night because Josie did it. I have to wait for the baby to be born before I can blame her for stuff. But Becky got all these months of using the baby as an excuse for falling asleep, puking and not being able to fit into her old clothes. This is Pregnancy-ism. Is that even close to a word? And I know as soon as Josie can talk, I'm going to be her excuse to get out of trouble. "Dad didn't tell me that."

Countdown

There is now less than 2 months before Josie pops out. I find myself really taking pleasure in semi-quiet moments in which I don't have to respond or keep an eye out for things. During Easter at Gran's there were plenty of babies and toddlers around. And there was a constant wonder if they needed a new diaper. Amazing how kids don't want to help out in the process of letting you know that they popped their pants. I have to work on that baby sign language business to get Josie to give me a clue. Just tug on my sleeve and say, "Fix it!" Is that too much to ask?

I keep trying to think back to my childhood and the whole diaper situation. I haven't a clue about such time. And I won't ask mom since I know that will turn into an hour long talk and me cringing at what I had done to the woman.

Food Choices and the Bean

Yesterday morning Becky had a bowl of cereal and a banana before we went out. After about an hour, Josie was driving her nuts moving around in her gut. When we came home, I made her an egg sandwich. After a few minutes, Josie settled down. I'm not even going to guess how many mornings have started with an egg sandwich in her short time in the womb. Got to be close to 200 of them.

The strange thought is that once Josie pops out, she won't be able to enjoy an egg sandwich for two years or so. Wonder if I can make her an egg sandwich smoothie. When can babies have bacon?

A Treat

I kept thinking that to get Josie to really enjoy the Easter holiday, I should have Becky swallow whole a Cadbury Creme Egg and a Marshmallow Peep. But according to scientists, Josie still won't have a concept of peeps and eggs shape-wise. Next year she'll know about them - as she watches me eating them all. Little kids can't have sugary stuff. That's grown-up work.

It's an adult house still

My nephew Will came over to the house for a Easter lunch with his folks. I quickly realized as he roamed around the downstairs that we're still a bit adult. The only major thing we had for him to play with was the giant yoga ball. Kids who aren't quite three aren't that interested in digging through the DVD collection looking for my copy of "Nico Icon."

It's strangely reassuring knowing that while I'm viewed as a big kid, I'm not one of those toy freaks who hasn't grown up. Although I'm guessing all this will change when Josie shows up and the toys start taking up the free spaces on the floor.

feets

Becky said that this morning in bed when I put my hand on her belly, it felt like Josie was dancing on my palm. Her feet were almost tapping on my hand. Does this mean I need to start putting in the good word for the kid at my old school - NCSA? I don't know if I could deal with a baby ballerina in the family. I don't mind if she's a modern dancer. Those girls were always fun to hang out with on the sofa at the student center. The Belles were just plain pains.

New place for plate

Josie has made her mom swell up so much that we can no longer sit on the living room floor and eat dinner on the coffeetable in semi-Japanese style. I've got to clean up the dining room table so she can be properly seated to cut up her food. This means dinner will take place before Jeopardy and after Pardon the Interruption. When Josie gets old enough, we'll probably all eat at the dining room table to create that fine family atmosphere of eat quick before the game starts!

Last Class

Last night was the final of our birthing classes. I learned plenty from Elissa Brody RN CNM. The biggest thing is that at no point do I need to be distracted or a smart ass in the delivery room. My main job is to let Becky know that this is the greatest thing we've ever done (that didn't involve a visit to the Bunny Ranch, Walt Disney World or Fenway Park). Also my prime job is to make sure that I have chipped ice nearby so Becky's mouth doesn't go wet. When she needs ice, i better have a few chips ready for her lips.

I also need to make sure I don't look too close at what's going on down below because while it is natural for the mom to puke during the contraction action, the father should be able to maintain his stomach. Last night she showed us slides of weird things that happen to the baby that aren't critical, but will weird you out.

Plus she warned me that Josie is going to go through 3,000 diapers in the first year. It's like I'm taking care of Hugh Hefner and Ozzy Osbourne.

If you need to take a pregnancy class, i highly recommend Elissa Brody of Carolina Childbirth Classes. Hopefully I'll remember her advice although there's a major chance that I'll just pass out from the pressure and collapse into the laundry hamper. Or just go to Hooters for half off hot wings. Mmmmmmm. How old till a baby can enjoy hot wings? Those things are baby sized.

The pain, the pain, Will Robinson....

Becky's been having issues with her bras biting into her skin. It's just too damn tight around the band. So we went to JC Penney the other night since the lady at Babiesrus tipped us off to their maternity bra section. We wander around for a bit and then go to the checkout. The woman working the section starts to give Becky really good tips about what to do since when the baby drops in the womb, the bras won't be as tight. But right now Josie is riding high in the saddle.

It was rather shocking to get real information from a saleswoman. So much of today's retail is of the mindset that one person can do every job since they merely have to know where to find it on the shelf. They don't have to understand the product completely. The tag on the shelf will explain that pesky smart folk info.

Now I get to wait for Josie to drop so Becky doesn't come home looking like she's been attending a rope bondage class during her lunch break.

new onesie

actually if Josie turns out to be only 7 pounds, I'll have to get her a onesie that reads "7 Pound Wonder of the World."

Becky wasn't in my weight class

Becky just told me that she wasn't 8 pounds when she was born - about the same weight as me. She was only 6 pounds and 4 ounces. Now what does that mean for Josie? I was so ready for her to also be part of the 8 Pound Club. Now I might have to exchange her 8 Pound Club t-shirts for "Only 7 Pounds" onesies.

fourth down

Todd Marinovich is back in jail on drug charges. While this doesn't seem much of a baby issue, but it is. Todd was raised by his father to be the ultimate quarterback machine. He had a special diet. His parents wouldn't let him watch cartoons. He learned all the skills to taking the ball. He was going to be a superstar. And in the end, the kid completely melted down and became a junky.

Much as I want Josie to be a success, I don't want her to become a mess. Better let the kids watch a few cartoons than do jail time for being a mess of a human.

Ick off

I'm not sure what's going to gross me out more - Josie's black tar poops of the early days or the remaining bit of the cord that's supposed to fall off after a while.

I wonder if the cord hanging thing was a natural defense against wolves eating babies since they'd think the kid was spoiled meat with that black nasty thing dangling from their belly.

They sure take their time

During my lunch break at Full Frame, i sat down with a random couple since they had the only free seat in the room. The conversation turned to the fact that they missed the first screening in order to take care of their 7 month old baby. I asked what a 7 month old baby is like. They said the kid basically lies around, pukes, poops, eats and can't quite grab things. This means that Christmas won't be a warzone with Josie snagging ornaments. Also sounds like there's no reason to tightly wrap and tape her gifts.

How am I supposed to open a baby sweat shop if it's going to take this long for the kid to be able to grip stuff? Those soccer balls don't stitch themselves.

Baby Art

Looking around Josie's room, I realize I'll have to replace my artwork on the wall before she comes. I don't think a baby will appreciate the original lobby cards for Heaven's Gate.

Giving the beat

I keep pondering how a baby in the womb actually knows if their parents are really their parents when they pop out. How can I properly bond with the child in the negative days. There's probably scientific research crap available, but I'm not trusting too many doctor things lately. Seems like they keep reversing themselves. These are the guys who wanted formula over breast milk and now they realize they were wrong. Not to mention their C-section craziness. How can I trust them to give me good advice on bonding?

So I use my non-Ivy League smarts to consider the situation. I reflect back on episodes of Oz. There's only one way to talk to a guy in the cell down the line - Tapping on the bars. I tap on Becky's stomach to the drum solo of Wipe Out. Hopefully Josie is recognizing this pattern of beats. When she is born, I can tap it out on her butt and she'll know she's among friends.

Now I'm wondering if playing Wipe Out in the delivery room would be incentive for Josie to work herself through the birth canal faster. Although she'd probably be upset when there's no beach and surf when she pops out. Kids hate to be teased - or at least I did.