ring!!!!!!!!!

if you ever want someone to call you, just put your sleeping baby in the crib. three minutes into her nap, you'll get that phone ringing and a screaming baby.

why can't people see through their phones to know when it's a bad time to dial me?

so sweet

once more the baby falls asleep on me while we're watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I really should have named her Magenta.

Ahhhhhhh

one of the gifts the baby received that wasn't a gloworm was a set of barrels. They come apart and you can stack them. What I've found the child likes is when I carefully pile them up four high. She smiles and then slaps them down.

my child is now in her godzilla phase. I think this will last until she's 48.

after all the gifts are home, the baby still loves the wrapping paper most of all.

How to make it easy

Here's a great tip for parents of their first baby that's enjoying its first Christmas - Don't buy them too many gifts. In fact, if you have a lot of close relatives that you'll be visiting on Christmas day, you might consider not buying them anything. Cause odds are that no matter what you buy them, someone else is going to wrap it up for them.

Since the little baby has no real clue about Christmas, you can hit the after Christmas sales looking for stuff the baby didn't get.

This plan can only work for at least two Christmases. By the time the third year hits, they're clued in that Santa doesn't show up on the 27th.

Santa?

sure the baby wakes up at 4 a.m. and 7:30 a.m., but she doesn't care about coming downstairs to see her gifts. Nope. She just wants a bottle and a chance to talk away. This is the calm before a decade long's snowstorm of sneaking down the stairs.

she has a bit of it down

In the Christmas eve fun, we discovered she does know how to rip off wrapping paper. However she likes to eat it instead of knowing what's beneath. It's kinda like someone who just likes the taste of fried chicken skin over the meat.

Time for her to watch all 24 hours of A Christmas Story so later in life she swears she had an Uncle Ralphie who kept going on about wanting a Red Rider BB Gun ever holiday season.

My New Career

At almost seven months of age, I'm not so much a teacher to the baby, but a physical therapist. Every day it's about having her test her body's limits as far as strength, grip and balance. I'm not so much teaching her words as I'm just getting her to use her tongue in odd ways to make noises.

It all looks so much simpler in Baby Geniuses.

SAVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

We got one of those swing seats that you attach to the top of a doorway. It lets her bounce around and pretend walk with out having her fall over and bust her nose. I roll a mini-basketball towards her. She semi-kicks it back. I kick it back. after a couple minutes, I decide that this is goalie training. She's got rather good intercept instincts for a six month old. I refrain from seeing how she blocks shots coming straight at her noggin.

stretch armstrong

getting her dressed today I had to toss two outfits into the "outgrown" box. She's zipping up so fast she's yet to have time to round herself out like other Weeble babies we see at the stores.

I should keep her under the coffeetable during the day to keep her from getting taller than me in the next six months.

countdown to Christmas

now we're down to the final days before Christmas and the baby doesn't seem to care. There's no demand for a hot toy. there's no searching through my bedroom in hopes of exposing the surprises. She doesn't even ask what we're doing on Friday. This is my last relaxing Christmas.

no preschool blues

keep seeing these pieces on the amazing trouble parents in New York City go through to get their kids into the right pre-school. As if someone being able to paste macaroni to paper will determine the rest of your life. Is it wrong to want to home pre-school your kid? I ought to be able to get her to understand colors, numbers and the alphabet. And maybe she'll also pick up the cinema of Norman Taurog. she'll at least know all of her Godzilla films.

my promise

I would like any readers to know that when I am writing a blog entry or editing a baby video, my child is in a safe and secure position. There is no child jeopardy in order for me to share these snippets of my life.

Now when I'm not blogging and me and the baby are watching the Three Stooges, odds are I'm the one risking my life when she catches onto Moe's way of life.

less pain

the baby only cried for 30 minutes before she fell asleep. Now I just hope she doesn't burp herself awake

the bad seed

The baby just tried to kill me. it's true.

I'm stretched out on the sofa and holding her up so she can stand on my chest. she grabs a small pillow from the top of the sofa, drops it on my face and then plops down on the pillow. that's right, she tried to suffocate me. She was laughing while pushing the foam into my mouth.

if i turn up dead and only the baby is in the house - the police better name a "baby of interest."

Bedtime for Bonzo

we've decided at six months, it's time for the baby to understand the concept of being dumped in the crib while she's still awake. It took 45 minutes of screaming before she finally gave into the urge to konk out. I do feel bad, but it's not like she can do that much at night. She's not a good designated driver. And while she does make a handy wingman at bars, she seems to monopolize the attention. "I'm a baby...why do you want to talk to my daddy - talk to the baby!" To sleep she goes.

today I'm introducing her to involuntary naptime. I should try to find my copy of Godzilla vs. King Kong so their smashing Tokyo will drown out the baby's cries. I feel like a prison guard assigned to watch the hole. Someday I should write a book, "Everything I Know About Babycare, I Learned from Oz."

i hate it when the baby is napping on me when Jeopardy is on. I can't say the questions without fear it'll be "What is waking up the baby, alex?"

Teething Time?

A few months ago we thought the baby was teething. Her gums hurt her. We'd put painkiller on 'em along with giving her frozen chewtoys. But no teeth emerged. Now she's back to drooling hard and chewing on anything like a beaver catching up on last second work before a vacation.

I'll be tormenting her for the next few weeks by singing, "All I Want For Christmas Is Any Stinking Teeth!"

stranger danger

Now the baby is in the zone where she fears being around strange faces and hates me disappearing on her. This was completely put to the test when a friend dropped by and I had to go use the bathroom. He had to admit that my child had a vocal range that could peel wallpaper.

learning

we took Josie over to a friends' house for dinner. They have a baby 8 months older than her. we figured she could pick up tips on crawling. hard to tell if it worked. she's been hit with teething pain so there's no desire to roam. just scream high enough to loosen bolt on passing plane.

Happy Festivus!

State of Play

During the day there's basically three things that happen with Josie. She rolls on the floor. She rolls stuff on her little sit and spin toy. She fights off the desire to nap while attempting to roll of my lap. I'm fearful of the day she realizes how to pull herself up on stuff. She's shaping up to be a world's most diabolical tumbler.

the dream

Now that my daughter seems to be bound to be a good size, I've decided to have her become a women's field hockey superstar. Maybe it's from watching The Belles of St. Trinians. But I think she'll be imposing in a skirt while wielding a stick.

And later she can use her stick to beat off unwanted advances.

car doesn't work

just putting the baby in the car no longer puts her to sleep. i hate it when i lose a shortcut to silence.

Where is he?

As pointed out earlier, the Pampers we use on Josie feature Sesame Street characters on the front. For the Newborns through size two, they had like baby versions of the characters - Big Bird, Cookie monster, Elmo, Grover and Ernie. Now that she's in Size 3, they have them as their normal character sizes. No more muppet babies. But here's what gets me - Where's Bert? Where is the Yellow guy with the conehead? Why won't Pampers put Ernie and Bert together on the same diaper?

Is this their way of avoiding some whacko group claiming that having Ernie and Bert on the same diaper is pushing a homosexual marriage agenda on 6 month old babies? Or has the Bert Is Evil web campaign made them think that Bert really is evil and can't be trusted to capture your baby's poop?

Quit hiding Bert!

the queen

the baby is understand how her wrists work. she spend a lot of time doing a beauty queen wave. i might have to get her a tiara.

ouch my ears

Why do I insist on telling the baby "inside voice" when she whines at level that probably isn't safe outside either. Then again it's not like she's listening that well. I just hope she doesn't make any squirrels go deaf.

Weird timing

So last night on Dexter they had his baby receiving six month booster shots. I had just done this. And like Dexter, the woman giving the shots noticed that I was rather calm while the kid took the needle. Luckily I didn't spend my afternoon hunting down John Lithgow.

spoiling time?

Now at 6 months people are whispering that I'm somehow spoiling the baby. But I don't think so. She basically wants only three things: milk, clean diapers and to be held. I don't think you can truly spoil a child until she starts to using a desire of non-essential objects as a way to make you think she's giving you love back in exchange.

for now I'll give her all the attention she craves since i get the idea that as soon as she's able to do stuff, she'll want her space.

Halfway

It's been six months since Josie was born. I'm amazed that I've been able to last this long as a stay at home dad without being taken off to the looney bin.

What do you do for a 6 month birthday? Still 20 1/2 years before she get to buy me a beer.

well last night instead of being able to enjoy the turkey sleep, I was tortured by Josie. She teased us by going to sleep around 10 p.m. We thought it'd be an easy night. But by 1:30 a.m. - she was awake and whining. And she didn't fall back asleep until 4 a.m. Then she kept waking up every hour or so until we had to leave the mother-in-law's house at 9 a.m. since they were leaving for Florida. Gran wanted to take the baby along and I was tempted to wave bye bye to Josie on her way to the sunshine state. But I couldn't do it since I do enjoy being around Gran.

Bedtime Stories

I keep reading these tales of how babies will go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 9 a.m. Really? Does this honestly happen or are they written by smarmy jokesters wanting to get my hopes up? I'd have more faith in these tales if they were written by Nigerians who would send me their baby's sleep pattern and I just need to send additional hours to an address in Canada.

I don't see the kid out by 1 a.m. with the smell of pie in the air.

My Child

While watching Funny People, i realized the kid rarely looked at the TV screen when Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler were on. I should have followed her advice.

Clip job

I took the baby to Carmen for her second haircut. The bangs were over the top of her eyes. It drove Becky nuts to not see the baby's stare. It was strange to sit in the barber chair with Josie in my lap. I can't remember the last time I got a real haircut. In the 90s, I bought a trimmer and later I just shaved it off so no need for a hairstylist. But there I was holding her and getting a lap full of hair. Now she has a new haircut for the holidays. i refrained from getting her any tinting. Don't want the kid to grow up too soon even if her hair is adult

Here's a quick note to parents thinking of what to register for - there's no need to list a heater for baby wipes unless you live in an igloo. The only think less necessary for a baby is a kegorator. Although a parent might need that.

You do need to get one of those extremely smelly candles they sell at Bath, Bed and Beyond. We've had ours for a few months and I think it does keep the poop odors down.

took the baby in for her six month check up and all is good. She's in the 75th percentile in size. I don't know if this fact will help her get into the right Manhattan Preschool.

Moving up the charts

No matter how strange of a dad I am to my child, I will never be as weird as the moron who only spoke to his child in Klingon for the boy's first three years.

'I was interested in the question of whether my son, going through his first language acquisition process, would acquire it like any human language." he said.

It is a human language. Does he really think Klingon was created by aliens? It was made up by showbiz people. Why not just teach the kid to speak in Pig Latin? Or ubbi dubbi? Or Romulan?

I guess it could be worse. He could have raised to kid to be a Jedi.

I just want my daughter to be able to give me a signal to let me know when she's pooped versus a loud fart. Maybe Pull my finger?

game or frustration

Josie enjoys crawling after my Incredibles min-basketball. Most of the time she gets a hand on it and it rolls toward me. I roll it back and we do this for quite a bit of time. Does she know we're playing a low impact version of catch? Or is she just getting more pissed off that I'm having as much fun with the ball as her?

fresh air

on unseasonably warm afternoon, I can open up the backdoor and let the smell of baby puke waft out into the neighborhood.

almost out

The big thing in the living room for the baby is a swing. When she first came home, she was so tiny in the seat. Now she's barely fitting. Probably another month and we'll have to ship it up to Bracey. Tom Thumb's parents had it pretty easy.

B-Day Wishes

It's my birthday and Josie gave me something from the heart - a mouth full of puke all over my sweater. She made it herself and that's what really counts in a gift.

Da Plane! Da Plane!

Watching a DVD of the original Fantasy Island. Josie looks over at the screen when Herve Villechaize talks. I'll probably have to adopt his accent to get her attention. Also this makes me fear that her favorite Bond will be Roger Moore since she'll want to see "Man with the Golden Gun" to get more Herve action.

first gift

tomorrow my birthday and I swear the baby has already gone online and ordered my a tie.

Untitled Baby Photos by Cindy Sherman

punishment

instead of timeouts, I shall punish her with Zone outs. for 10 minutes, I'll act like I'm childless. a career of slacker jobs and screaming bosses has given me the talent to just stop listening to people and focus on what to eat for dinner,

that noise

the baby talks although I can't figure out if she's making words or merely mocking my language

A New One

snoresville

half the time when Josie falls asleep on me during the day, I just let her slumber in my arms. She's still the right size to sleep with her head cradled in my elbow and legs draped over my lap. While some may say that this is somehow spoiling her, I semi-disagree. I know that with her next bouts of growth spurts, she's going to hang off me like a cheap Romanian suit. And as I juggle body parts to get her into the crib, I'll wax nostalgic to a time when she didn't weigh like a sack of potatoes. Why screw up the moments I'm going to remember since the alternative is merely me typing with two hands on the computer. I can type with one for a little bit longer so she can enjoy another nap using dad as a heated mattress.

while the baby hasn't quite figured out how to crawl, she's rather good at getting around on the floor. Guess I need to find a new place for my Hummel collection.

yuck

Soon we'll post video of the baby not liking the mushy string beans. She had that "are you serious" look between the yuck face.

We finally bought a car that's big enough for a baby. well big enough for us to put the stroller in the trunk and not through with the packing.

Call Johnny Gage

I left the room and the baby accidentally ingested a Bon Jovi video. should i induce vomiting or scrub her eyes?

Does this mean I have to give up my "World's Greatest Dad" coffeecup?

Double Wrapped

because of the cold, we're sticking Josie inside a onesie and then a space suit. She's kinda the Turducken of babies.

That smell

It's not good to begin cooking while still in Mr. Mom mode. I bent over to put the pork roast into the pre-heated oven when my nose sensed something is wrong. The drool cloth had fallen off my shoulder and onto the red hot oven element. Ah! luckily it had only little flames on it so I could quickly beat it out and toss it in the sink. The smell of burning cloth diapers will not replace Ax Bodyspray or that stuff Hooters waitress bathe in.

Guess we need to buy more drool clothes on our next trip to BabysRus.

a year plus

It was last Oct. 28 that I got the call from Becky that I was going to be a father. And 7 months later, I was a father.

They say a child will change your life and it's rather true. They're so damn needy so you have to constantly keep an eye on them. You'd figure after all this time, they'd know how to make their milk bottle. How hard is it to put a 4 scoops, fill with water and shake? 5 months and the kid still gives me that "can you do it" plea - or scream at the top of her lungs. I guess if making the kid a bottle is spoiling, I'm a spoiling dad.

Fall Back

During a daylight's savings notice, anyone who said, "We get an extra hour of sleep" obviously doesn't have a baby in the house."

Babies don't give a crap about what time it's supposed to be. Their internal clock is your infernal clock.

For your listening pleasure

Seems the baby prefers the studio version of Led Zeppelin versus the bootleg live versions since she loses patience with Jimmy Page's extended solos on No Quarter. Guess that's just expected when she's still sucking down formula.

It fits

One of our constant activities is charting Josie's growth on a kitten blanket knitted by my grandmother. We also put her in a knitted bottom that was huge when we first put it on her after bringing her home from the hospital, Last night we took the pic and she fit in the bottoms. It'll be interesting to see how long she can keep wearing 'em. We'll just have to lay them on top of her as we follow along her size progress.

happy bday

josie is now 5 months old. her feet nearly dangle from her car seat.

has it really been five months since I could sleep without keeping an ear open

Hotdogs

Took the baby to Snoopys for 99 cent hotdog day. We wen to dine with Becky and co-workers. It is amazing how she'll sit on Becky's knee, put her hands on the table and stare around. She's very social for a kid who can't communicate. She does seem interested in the conversation. She'll probably end up on a bunch of lame boards where this sort of talent comes in useful.

the day is

with Josie dealing with both teething and an upcoming growth spurt, our day consists of Crying, Drinking Milk, Sleeping and Screaming Bloody Murder. Thank goodness I lost my hearing watching the Circle Jerks back in '85 or I'd be hurting.

Veggie Poop

We are using up a few of the freebie formula cans just to get rid of baby can clutter (as if that will ever happen). After months of Similac Advance, we broke out a can of the Soy Similac. Amazingly enough it has stopped the exploding poop that bursts out of the top of the diaper. So there's no clean up ugliness. The bad news is that soy based poop is a dark green and smells like a morgue after five days without power in the middle of the summer. It's vile to the nth degree. This is what Gitmo detainees fear being subjected to (along with REM's Shiny Happy People on repeat).

I guess in the greater scale of it all - it's easier to clean these atomic bomb diapers instead of spending a lot of time cleaning off the baby and her soiled outfits. On the negative side - I think years are being sucked out of my nose.

Baby Doofus

Just read that Disney is being forced to take back all the educational claims on their Baby Einstein DVDs. Forcing your Baby to watch TV of stupid puppets don't make them any smarter than those of us who grew up watching the Banana Splits. Although we know how to yell, "Hold the Bus!"

kids!

Soupy Sales died last night and when I told Josie of his his passing, she just gave me that "like I know what you're saying" look. Doesn't this child have a sense of history? It's like everything outside of balloon boy happened before she was born.

beanballs

Baby is learning to get things away from her. She's semi-tossing stuff. I'm getting fearful for the day she realizes she can throw a beanball at her old man. Might just have to break out my old goalie mask to protect the noggin. Will Social Services take me away and put me in with a foster family if my baby beats me up?

ouch her gums

The kid is now hitting nasty notes when her gums hurt. I ought to be letting her listen to old Einstürzenden Neubauten albums. Blixa would be so impressed at the range and her ability to maintain it.

would it be good to use rubber cement to keep the diaper from having top gap explosions?

ahhhhh

is there a tip for preventing diaper poop blow ups

Day I Took the Baby to the Liquor Store

More Veggies

So we've started to introduce solid food to the kid. The book says to start with veggies because after she gets a taste for sweet stuff, she'll be hooked and not like good for her bland stuff that doesn't have that sugar kick. We started with sweet potatoes than butternut squash. Next to be tossed into the bullet mixer after we boil it down shall be green beans. Mmmmm.

I hate to sound like some hippie with the make the kid her own food vibe, but the price of those little Gerber bottles is rather steep after a while - especially since the kid won't come close to finishing one for a while. So for now she'll think we're a family of Jolly Green Giants.

that sound

the baby will look at us when we say "Psssssst."

why does this sound have such an effect? will she be distracted by deflating tires

Bite Me, Texan

The other day Dr. Phil has an episode about working mothers versus stay at home mothers. Why? How 20th Century. Where's the piece on Stay at Home Dads? How about guys whose jobs have tanked and found themselves watching the kids cause it's cheaper to stay at home than fork up the cash for daycare with the jobs being offered to take the place of careers in limbo?

I seem to find more stay at home dads in that situation. If you factor in taxes and social security and other withholdings, you have to earn $24K to pay for decent child care. Even more if you send the kid to a private pre-school. So you stay at home and you teach the kid the simple things in life.

Where's Dr. Phil on this real subject? Or is he afraid I'll give him more than he can handle and would rather play it safe with a played out topic. Tomorrow on Dr. Phil: Where to Squeeze the Toothpaste.

Warning

The CDC will put my baby on warning for her constant desire to share bodily fluids.

things I don't do

In England the reported that over half of SIDS cases come from parents sleeping bed or on the sofa with their baby. Now I'm happy that mom screamed at me for doing that. I'll still let Josie sleep on me, but if I get sleepy, I'll stick her in her crib or playpen. I don't want a flat baby.

baby wasn't too impressed with her first exposure to Elmo

send earplugs

turns out at four months, the baby is having her teeth come in. She's screaming so loud that it's upsetting my next door neighbor Dr. Moreau. It's the house of pain here.

nice news

we've passed the point where we can have Irish twins

The baby likes to look at the TV during football. Does she like the game or is confused by the helmets?

ZYXs

Hmmm

Sometimes when I'm staring at the baby, I expect her to break character and start talking normal English instead of blathering. Most of these occasions, Josie merely opens her mouth and pukes on me. Maybe it's her way of telling me to maintain the code.

Life Skills

Guinea Pig

took Josie to Duke for a study if she could notice different Japanese words. she did good. she's ready to watch more Godzilla flicks

Back

There's a strange thing when you bring a 4 month old back home after she's been gone for a few days. She doesn't directly tell you that "I'm home!" She just gives a look that says, "Now this is how I expect it."

morning wake up

even without the baby, I found myself waking up at 5:30 a.m. and wondering why she wasn't screaming for a couple seconds.

a night off

The mother in law is watching the baby up at the lake. I have a night to just unwind and let my arms recover from five days of rocking her. I'd probably be heartbroken and missing Josie except I'm too pooped from her waking up at 5:30 a.m. I'll miss her when I'm well rested.

The Star

Shot more video of the baby for the short weirdness series. The kid is a star. Well at least she's a sense of staring at the camera. Soon as she learns how to lie, I'll get her a gig as a junior reporter at Fox News.

That voice

While I was watching the Today Show, Josie became intrigued by the voice of Carrie Fisher on the Today Show. She was pushing her one woman show on Broadway. She seemed really into watching Princess Leia talk. It was like she heard a relative.

day 1

it takes a village idiot to distract a child

Me and the Baby

Becky is gone until Friday on a business trip. This mean I'm left with the baby all week. What will I do? The kid will destroy me. She smells fear, blood and Jack Daniels. I need to remember check the computer to keep her from online gambling. And I need to remember to feed her.

I'm going to be so happy when she gets home.

Now that's interesting

Whenever you're talking to a four month old baby, at some point in the conversation, you'll get to say, "This happened before you were born" to pretty much every situation.

new haircut baby

still getting used to her new hair. she'll stick out at Juniper Creek.

This way

Josie is now extra active on her rotating seat. I keep calling her Tank Girl. I hope being compared to Lori Petty isn't considered verbal child abuse.

arrow please

can Gerber put a "this end up" arrow on the Nuk nipples?

she's bigger!

Four month check up and Josie and she's now 2 feet tall and 15 pounds. She's going to be bigger than the turkey by Thanksgiving.

She also got more shots. They gave her Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck band-aids. Seems they understand what her dad likes to see on the kid.

Tank Girl

I'm amazed at how much Josie likes the new playset we got her for $5 off Craigslist It's circular and you put the kid in the middle on a seat. It has a plastic floor beneath her so she's not able to push it around the house. But she can rotate the turret like a pro. I think we'll have to send her to Fort Knox for Armored training.

silent and deadly

for the longest time, I could always tell when Josie was pooping. Her face would strain and there would be a popping noise. It was easy to just mark that moment, give her five minutes to finish up and change her. But not she's in a stealth dumping mode. I don't realize it until the smell hits me. And the worst part is if I had been bouncing her on my lap cause then it leaks out the top. It's as nasty as I thought it would be.

Now I have to figure out her new signs of pooping. It's like retooling a Poker champ's tell signs after they've had a stroke.

active furniture

we bought a standing rocker for Josie so she can get used to walking before she can get the power. the nice part is we can put stuff on it and use it as a coffeetable,

Hmmmm

We're at Babysrus looking at the toys that are supposed to excite babies. There's colorful cartoon characters and animals. But you know what gets a 3 month old baby excited? An exposed breast gets their attention everytime. Why can't they work that into a playmat?

a peek into the future

sat next to a girl a few years older than Josie. I learned how to push plates out of her reach and that no french is safe from a kid with 8 teeth.

Big Baby

I can't wait for next week when we get a measurement on Josie cause the kid is huge - not Will and Amy baby huge (the one year old wears 2 year old clothes). But she's getting to be a stringbean at 4 months. Luckily she can still fit in her swing chair. She seems to like the rocking motion. It reminds her of her early days.....

Lunch with Uncle Matt

Matt called up to see if I wanted to have lunch and bring the baby along. It was $5.99 boneless wings and fries at Hooters. The Hooters girls do adore babies. They were all bending over and seeing the baby. And my soda never got too low. Baby cries if daddy goes without his drink.

Booze with the baby

In my continuing effort to prove that I'm a cool dad, I took Josie to meet Dan Aykroyd. There she was in the presence of the man who gave us the Coneheads, Elwood Blues and Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute. She naturally has zero idea who he is, but in 15 years, she's going to think he's cool. Of course she'll also think it was cool that I took her into a liquor store since he was signing his vodka that comes in a skull bottle. Something about a father-daughter trip to the liquor store that makes me think my small slice of Irish heritage is taking over my life.

I guess the line is drawn in front of the Wicked Livin' Adult Video store when Ron Jeremy comes to town. Although if the baby did puke while we were waiting in line, it might be the least disgusting thing to spill onto the floor.

Swim team

The baby has figured out how to squirm off her playmat and flip herself over onto her stomach. She's not too good moving in that position although she can keep her head up for quite a bit of time. Seems she's more adept at the backstroke than the dogpaddle when it comes to being locomotive.

Not a Fan of the Huggies

They call them Huggies, but the baby's poop spilled out through the side of the leg part. I'll be happy when we run out of them so we can get back to the Pampers which so far have been my favorites. Nothing too nasty has leaked - unless it was cause I didn't stick 'em together right at 4 a.m.

Disney Movie Endings Spoiled

Startime

To the Back?

Becky's grandmother bought us a pack of Huggies for our stay at the lake. Instead of baby Sesame Street characters, they have the cute animals from Winnie-the-Pooh as babies as the diaper art. Why does Pooh have to be a baby? Isn't he already child-like enough? The strange thing is that they have Tigger on the rump. This is confusing at 4 a.m. since it would be more natural to have Winnie as the icon for the Pooh side of the diaper.

Sleeping All Night?

I put Josie to bed a little after midnight and fell asleep. In what I thought was the middle of the night, Josie howls. She's up. And I look at the clock. It's 7:11 a.m. She slept until I was supposed to wake up. And she woke up at the right time to promote the fine products of 7-Eleven. They don't have those in Raleigh anymore. It stinks cause I do like getting collector cups when I go to the Outer Banks.

Why don't they make a Similac Slurpee so that we can both enjoy sucking away in the afternoon?

double the effort

Sony ought to come up with a Onesie that features the buttons for Playstation 3 on the back. This way you can hold the baby and play Gears of War 2. Kill demon thingies while burping the baby. Men will have an excuse to hold a baby without looking like a sissy. You can't do it with a Wii cause there's a chance you'll hurl the baby at the flat screen during a game of tennis.

Normal sleep

During our vacation up at the lake, we allowed my mother-in-law to keep Josie over night. It was strange to put her in a different car and wave to her as they drove away. But we need a little vacation during the vacation. The bad part was that I didn't sleep through the night. I woke up at the same usual times and caught myself staring at the end of the bed where she wasn't since we also gave her the packnplay. After waking up and having breakfast, I felt myself jonesing for the kid.

The good part was she wasn't a menace to the mother-in-law. there were no real horror stories - except them trying to snap together the packnplay. It was good to hold her again. although that didn't last too long since I then went downstairs to admire the 65 inch high-def set. That could have been Josie.

How Fashionable

This season's ultimate accessory is "baby drool." It'll be hotter than the Snuggie

14 weeks

Hard to think that it's only been 14 weeks since the baby popped out. She's getting big now. She's too big to put in the microwave so my nightmare of hippies babysitting and microwaving the baby and putting the turkey in the crib have passed.

She's starting to drool so during the day I just stick a bib on her no matter what she's wearing. I think we should all wear bibs during the day - even if they aren't illustrated with a lobster. Although I do look forward to the day we can sit on the deck and smash apart a lobster together. Just have to make sure she doesn't eat the gills.

knotty problem

two things Josie did inherit from me are my cowlicks - the cowlicks I had when I had hair. She's got one up front and one in the back. I have this sad feeling that if she ever dyes her hair red, she'll look like Woody Woodpecker. Best not make her wear a blue sweater.

Her changing face

An interesting thing about babies is that their faces do change a bit after birth. Mostly from fattening up with the milk/formula. Josie is looking less like me and more like Elizabeth Taylor. Thankfully she's not even looking close to Michael Jackson.

Drinking Deep

Josie seems to be ready to graduate to the bigger bottles. She's downing them one after the other and than passing out. It's like she's getting ready for college life.

the sitter

We let Becky's mom watch Josie while we went off to a wedding in Durham. She didn't merely come over, but I put the babyseat in her car so she could take Josie back to her hotel. We were meeting up later for someone's surprise birthday dinner. As much as I hate being away from Josie, I didn't go worry wart about being away from her. i didn't call constantly on the cellphone. I enjoyed the little respite. We took a nap after the wedding and before the dinner. I was happy see Josie at the restaurant.

Am I a bad dad for not going nuts and calling every few minutes? Or do I just realize that the kid can take care of herself or at least sleep through such things? I do fear the kid would go nuts on the mini-bar. those booze bottles are baby-sized.

Today I catch Josie using my computer. She's online gambling. I ask her how much she's lost.

"You don't officially lose until the credit card is maxed out, daddy."

She's so cute when she explains her outlook on life. She swears she's got a winning system.

sleep?

last night after she slept from 9:30 p.m. to 1:30 a.m., she refused to sleep longer than 10 minutes a pop. she finally has conked out at 4 p.m. i'm back to zombie dad

Tony Montana babies

We've decided to no longer buy Similac in the formula bottles and just stick with the powder. The baby doesn't seem to notice the change. She slurps away.

Except at night while I'm mixing up and shaking the bottle, I ponder what would happen if the baby just went direct on the powder? Should I fear waking up in the middle of the night and catching Josie cutting lines of Similac with a BabiesRUs gift card on Air's "Moon Safari" CD?

I'm deaf

I fear for the future of my hearing. Josie has this ability to scream so loud she's hitting notes that the Opera school would outlaw for fear of sterilizing dogs. How loud will she get as a toddler when she finally wants things other than bottle, diaper change or to be held? Please tell me that this force will not be used in the hopes of obtaining Dora the Explorer crap.

I am taking fate in my own hands during the day as I teach her to grab stuff. It is a necessary skill. I dangle a set of linked rings over her hands. She's slowly learning to grab them instead of batting them. Soon she'll be snagging dollars out of my wallet - if there are any in there.

I'm raising the wrong baby!

I just read that Lisa Marie Presley was paying the nanny watching her newborn $650 a day, free food and a bedroom in her mansion. I'm giving it away to my child. Right now I could be billing $60K for my expert daddy daycare to Elvis' daughter. Josie better be happy that daddy took a massive paycut to raise her instead of the princess of Graceland. I wonder if the nanny got to go upstairs at Graceland? I'd watch that kid for free if I could use the upstairs toilet that Elvis died upon. That's an experience worth $60K.

the streak continues

Three straight nights of dumping Josie off in the crib and sleeping in my own bed with the wife. I can't remember the last time this has happened. However I fear the streak might come to an end and I'll be watching Three's Company at 4 a.m. She's been nodding off all day. Babies supposedly sleep 15 hours a day at age 3 months. Little did I know those 9 hours awake start at midnight.

Why exactly is it wrong to mix Red Bull with formula during the day?

New Theme for Fall!

In order to get Josie to understand the system, I've got a new theme for this Fall season: Daytime is Playtime!

This is better than my first choice - Open Your Eyes Or I Break Out My Clockwork Orange Props

Semi-sleeping alone

so last night we stuck Josie in her crib while we slept in our own bed. Sure we woke up now and then to take care of her. But it felt good to give a little space between us. And remind her that she needs to be in her bed when the sun is down.

operation nudge

today i won't let the baby take long naps so she'll sleep at night. I'm going Gitmo on her diaper

not the baby

as a kid in the early 70s, we'd hear stories of the drugged up babysitter that cooked the baby. now Sears has tapped into that nightmare:

http://www.tmz.com/2009/08/20/the-perfect-grill-for-a-cannibal/

The department store is currently offering a grill on their website under the categories, "Human Cooking > Grills to Cook Babies and More > Body Part Roaster."

I don't want to grill my baby or even poach her with white wine.

A Night Time Blessing

Josie wakes up around 4 a.m. which meant another night of Three's Company with Mr. Farley's fashionable wardrobe. She doesn't want to go back to sleep. Around 6:30 a.m. Becky wakes up for the morning shift. Right before the handover, Josie just unload the vomit on dad. It's like a nice "remember me in your dreams" moment.

Baby Crack

Josie is addicted to staring at mobiles. We got these three bears that dangle above her playpen that she'll lock onto. She gets excited when they twirl around. The only problem is that it's a handcrank so every three minutes, I have to re-crank the mobile. Does she know that daddy makes things go around and around to the music? Or is it merely a coincidence to her?

tumble for you

I get a sense that Josie can roll completely over now, but she just doesn't like to be on her belly. I have to now remember to use pillows as bumper guards when I stick her on the sofa or bed. In the Soviet Union, she'd already be part of a gymnastics program at this age.

Back to Mono

We let her hair dry without combing it. Right now it's sticking straight up so she looks like Phil Spector in the courtroom with that static electricity afro.

Speedy Delivery

Friday afternoon I took Josie over to Durham to meet one of my childhood idols - Mr. McFeely from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. He was the mailman who probably taught me the joy go getting boxes from postal workers. He was doing a reading. A few years back he had come to a kid museum in Greensboro. I couldn't see him then since the rule was adults couldn't get into the place without a kid bringing them. Guess that cuts down on the child abductors. But this time, I had a baby and I wasn't going to back down. He was a nice guy to the kids. At the start of his time, he asked if any of the kids wanted to sing a song for the group. Josie didn't raise her hand even though by now she must have memorized the best of the Free Design. He brought out the puppets for Owl and King Friday.

During his talk with the kids, he talked about how happy he was to be their TV friend. And it struck me how rare it is to have TV Friends anymore. Do any of those creeps that get face time on VH1 and MTV really want to be TV Friends? Judges on TV aren't really our friends because they won't have your back if you get dragged on their shows. Talkshow hosts aren't friends since they just want to exploit the freakshow elements and make their guests cry. There are only a few people that you feel would be friendly if you bumped into them at an airport that they'd be nice to you. That they wouldn't turn into self-centered jerks without the cameras. That if you weren't a guest, you'd be brushed off like dirt. Or their so famous that they're surrounded by goons and weasels forming a protective coating around them - like Miley Cyrus and Handy Manny. Right now the list of modern TV friends is reduced down to Al Roker and the folks on Ace of Cakes.

It was so nice to finally meet Mr. McFeely. He posed with Josie and we joked how she's going to appreciate this moment and the picture 5 years from now when she's old enough to understand Mr. Rogers.

Outlaw Review: JOHNSON'S® BEDTIME BATH

While this stuff does get Josie a little relaxed, she doesn't sleep all night. maybe she needs to just soak in it

She's Not Catching On

Josie has been living in the house for over two months and still she doesn't understand that on Jeopardy you have to answer the question in the form of a question.

Outlaw Review: Butt Paste

I like the Butt Paste simply because the name tells you exactly what to do with the product. And at 3 a.m. - the less thinking involved with a product, the better it is. All baby stuff should be geared towards the sleep deprived.

Outlaw Review: Parenting Magazine

here's another product plug in defiance of the motherbloggers:

Now my bathroom reading mainly consists of Parenting Magazine. I'm not sure how much of a help the advice is, but I do enjoy looking at the ads for various cool things. Lots of Elmo related stuff. Mostly I imagine how Josie will destroy them. She hasn't destroyed anything yet. She mostly will puke on things - but that can be fixed with a few squirts of Resolve. I like having that squirt bottle nearby. Although you should never put a baby on the sofa without a clothe diaper behind its head. The minute you forget it - out comes the formula.

The best part of Parenting is they offered a really cheap rate after you get the first few issues free via a Babiesrus offer.

Breaking the Silence: For Munchkins

Part of the CNN article said: "Trisha Haas, founder of blogging community MomDot.com, organized another campaign to free bloggers who feel inundated by PR requests and overwhelmed with product reviews. MomDot's "PR Blackout" asks mommy bloggers to go one week -- beginning Monday -- without writing about products or services."

Well I'm breaking the silence this Monday! The Munchkin Bottle Warmer is a great time saver when it comes to getting formula out of the fridge. We use it all the time and it takes just a few minutes to get the formula warm enough for the baby without making the Similac too damn hot. Josie seems to have learned that the steaming noise means the bottle is getting cooked. The Off beat gets her excited. She knows that supper is ready and that Dad understands her needs.

It was given to us as a baby shower gift. Make sure you register for one.

Where's the Dad Blog action?

Today in CNN is a piece on Mom Blogs that are in the pocket of the babycare industry. It's about how these woman might be over praising products since they get 'em for free.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/08/10/mommy.bloggers.ethics/index.html

I make a promise to you that I'm not on the take (at this moment). At no point have I praised anything that wasn't a baby shower gift or purchased with a coupon. I'm not on that take....mainly because nobody has put me on the take.

I won't sign an ethics pledge that these mombloggers have embraced. Cause I don't need to go along with the herd. I'm a Dad Blogging here. They want to have their purity pledge, go ahead. But what's the point? If Big Baby Business knocks on my door to have me try out their new Mini-Van for 5 years, I'm going to take it. And the same with Pampers giving me a bunch of free diapers. I will promise to let you know that it was sent to me to try it out on my guinea pig baby.

I'm still disgusted at how these Momblogs don't seem to care about the stay at home dad. Time to take the baby to Hooters for her hot wing formula.

How Long in the Car Seat?

Josie is one of those sleep in the car babies. So when I bring her home, I just keep her in the car seat and let her continue slumbering. Why don't they make a crib with car seat straps and a little rumble to the mattress?

It's The Party of a Lifetime

My nephew Will turned 3 and they had a birthday party complete with dozens of little kids. Normally I abhor such affairs as the munchkins go wild. But well holding Josie on my lap, i realized this will be my fate for a while - I will have to watch the kid go wild. It won't be at least 6 more years before I can dump and run at her friends' birthdays. For now I will have to smile and make small talk with fellow parents.

The nice thing is getting to see how kids act that certain age groups. Three seems to be a good age for them being mobile and communicating.

The First Rule of Baby Fighting

Last night was dad's birthday dinner. Matt brought over Will and his baby Jacob. Since there was only one pack n play, we stuck the babies in it during dinner. My joke became a reality when Josie and Jacob began Baby Fighting. It wasn't much of a fight as Josie used her feet to smoosh Jacob against the side. Luckily it didn't get too nasty outside of their arms getting tangled.

Is there places in America that keep secret baby fighting rings? It's more fun than dog fighting.

dunked

had the baby baptized this afternoon. Since Josie had stayed up all night, she slept through the entire ceremony - even getting spritzed with the Holy Water didn't ruin her slumber. we stuck her into my old Christening dress. She was not impressed at getting the vintage treatment.

cousin visiting

We decided against taking the baby to Hooters since I don't think she's ready for a plateful of hotwings and she stinks as a designated driver.

i must remind myself that taking pictures of the baby snuggling a bottle of Jack Daniels can be used against me.

hmmmm

Instead of Baby Mozart DVD, I want to get Josie a copy of Baby Eno

and you are....

why do the put cartoon characters on newborn baby diapers? Josie has zero clue about Elmo. even weirder is she can't bend over to look at the sesame street babies at her waist. it does help me since at 4 a.m., I know which side is front. But if it is for me, why not pictures of Aqua Teen Hunger Force on the tiny diapers? Josie needs to poop inside Master Shake.

odds of sleep

i want to have her asleep by 2 am. need to trick her into thinking it's 8 am. must run old video of Al roker

vampire baby diaries

Josie pretty much took a minor nap and decided to stay up until 11 p.m. until maybe 6 a.m. it's not like she wants to stay up to do anything besides stare at me and cry if left alone. I could understand if she's in grip mode and wants to play with things.

At first I wondered if she's the reincarnation of my old archive boss Ray Regis. Ray never slept at night. We used to joke at the film school when people asked when he'd be in his office. "When you don't see the sun." But he'd eventually get into the office around 2 p.m. Josie wants to sleep until 5 p.m. when mom gets up.

Today I kept randomly waking her up to be a pest and give her a dose of my medicine. But I don't think she's quite capable of understanding reverse psychology or mirror reactions.

hmmmm

I think Josie has lost that new baby smell.

The Lights

The baby likes staring at multi-colored lights. She's fascinated by the colored glass around the main light in the living room. I keep thinking about getting one of those weird light boxes that twirls images of fish around the room. They look so cool in the movies. Except I realize they mostly get used in movies where the kid gets abducted from their bedroom. This might not be a good addition to the room.

Vampire Baby

Once more Josie decided the hours between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. are meant for partying. Why must I have the Paris Hilton of babies. She's making us all late for bedtime. luckily it was Sunday morning so we were able to sleep until almost 10 a.m. to take advantage of her tiny slumber.

Crib sleeping

Seeing how it's the weekend, we decided to put Josie in the crib for the night since neither of us need to be too awake on Saturday. Amazingly enough she slept most of the night and let mom and dad sleep in the same bed without worrying about squishing her.

fog horn in the night

what's the cutoff age for dumping a baby at the firehouse?

she spent all night crying. the 2 day nocturnal slumber streak ended ugly. at least i discovered that TVLand shows Three's Company at 4 a.m. They're running the Don Knotts years.

Bigger Veal Pen

After 2 months Josie was too big for the bassinet that sits on the Pack n Play. Her legs kept going over the edge. Her head would squeeze into the corner. So I took it off the top. Now she's in the middle section with more room to wiggle. although she falls asleep faster in the new space. Although she prefers to nap on me while i want to type.

The 48 Hour lifestyle

After keeping me up until 5 a.m. on Sunday/Monday - Josie was pretty much out like a like from 11 p.m. till 6 a.m. with a minor wake up for a little bottle action. It was not even close to a Big Eyed night. We didn't even try to keep her up all evening. She napped when she wanted and still slept better than me.

Maybe I can solve this by changing all the calendars around the house to read a day ahead so when she wakes up from an afternoon nap, she'll be ready for the second 24 hours.

This Could Work

Maybe Josie would go to sleep faster if I didn't give her a bedtime cocktail of Similac and Red Bull.

Her Schedule

I have a sneaking suspicion that Josie's schedule is a 48 hour cycle and not 24 hours. It seems like one night we get her to sleep through most of the night. Even if we repeat the routine the next day, she stays up all night. Then the next night, she's out like a light early. Or maybe this is just her way to get me to realize - you're not the boss of me, Zombie Dad.

Still Something to Await

Even after two months, Josie still hasn't gotten into the act of trying to put anything in her mouth that we don't place there. It's such a relief knowing i don't have to work the "don't taste that!" duty.

quick tip

After 2 months of using a steak knife to cut the seal off the Similac formula carton; the wife pointed out you can flip the lid over and twist. No more 2 a.m. stabbings.

music in the night

Here at the two month period, Josie is still a reactive baby with simple needs. When she whines, it's for one of three things: milk, messy diaper or to be held. She's not too picky about anything yet. Has no "favorite" stuff. She doesn't really grab things unless you put your finger in her hand. She is learning how to pivot her body - not quite a roll.

I think these are what people call "the simple days" of having a kid.

I've changed her bedtime music from Morton Gould's "Blues in the Night" to a Les Baxter compilation and the Free Design. I'm raising an Ultra Lounge baby.

I swear the baby gave me the finger

a nice morning

When Josie awoke this morning, she didn't give me the look that reminded me that I made her a human pin cushion.

Guess as long as I hold her, change her diaper and give her milk, she's happy. Kids this age seem to have the devotion and forgetfulness of a Cocker Spaniel.

I should feel bad about the shots since Josie's onesie read, "daddy is my super hero"

Shot Day

After Josie decided that going to bed when it's dark outside is for losers, it was time to haul her down to the doctor's office for her 2 month shots. Luckily I got a two hour nap when Becky woke up early to sit watch her. She didn't know what was coming as she laid on the table. I held her down while the nurse first gave her an oral vaccine. She thought all was going to be yummy. Then out came the needles.

A lot of time, I hear about parents who get really emotional when the kid gets stuck. But the severe lack of sleep made me immune to such a tearful moment. I had all the compassion of Dick Cheney as I held Josie's arms and the nurse punctured her thighs three times. The poor girl cried to the point of being silent. I had to blow on her mouth to get her to get a noise back in her mouth. I felt a bit like zombie dad as I got her to quiet down with a bottle and then change her diaper - she let out a blast right before the needles.

In a society where you're not allowed to slap, shake or spank a kid, inoculations appear to be the only threat of pain you can force on a child. She's too young to be threatened with "I'm dumping you off at the firestation."

I have to take her back in two months. Maybe if I get more than two hours of sleep, I'll feel extra guilty holding her down.

Decisions

This morning I got an email invitation from the Bunny Ranch's Dennis Hoff to a charity event at the Playboy Mansion. it's an night time pool party. Guests will be able to soak in the infamous Grotto. You don't get kicked out till 2 a.m. And it's less than a grand per ticket. Which makes me ponder, how much of a college fund does Josie needs? If the kid does well and gets into West Point like her grandfather, there's no need for a college fund.

It's such a hard choice - a chance to soak up the good life on the grounds of the Playboy Mansion or my kid doomed for community college? Damn these kids for getting in the way of their parents' dreams!

Stylin' n Profilin'

Since Josie has such a thick head of hair already, we get to give her hairdos after bathtime. When it's combed forward, it's called The Moe. When it's combed back, it's The Larry. And when it's parted in the middle, she's sporting The Shemp. What about The Curly? That's daddy's haircut.

that outfit

Whenever we dress up Josie for bed in the long nightshirt and put on her pink knitted maryjanes, I can't help but think she's getting a fashion sense from Zippy the Pinhead.

Cousins

so we took Josie to my brother's house to see her newest cousin, Jacob. He's only a couple weeks old so he's not up for much. He just laid around and napped. Kids these days are so uninspired.

I learned the difference between boy and girl babies when I noticed that Jacob's onesie looked like he'd been sweating hard. Turn out it was urine. Who new that boy babies can piss so hard that the stream can go between the diaper and their stomach. One more reason why it's probably best that I have a daughter. Don't need to deal with the firehose situation.

The Gift of Slumber

There is something wonderful about just going to bed and sleeping for 8 hours straight without fear of rolling over and onto the baby. Or spending hours playing the "big eyes" game. Or rocking or hunting for the bottle. I feel recharged. I'm ready to stare at the baby while she naps during the day without envy and contempt.

Time compacted

Josie turned 7 weeks old yesterday. It doesn't seem that short of a time. It feels like 7 months. I bet this is because my number of waking hours per day has at least increased 50%. This is like I'm working on a marathon production with the weirdest gig on the crew - watch the baby.

Maybe tonight I can sleep long and let becky take care of the late shift.

Dark Hours

Sitting in the baby's room at three in the morning, wearing a shirt covered in various shades of baby formula puke, I contemplate my brilliant career. I'm really not sacrificing much to raise Josie. It's been months since I've received a call from a contact looking for help on a video shoot. I'm not even hearing stories of anyone working on projects outside of non-paying documentaries. It's like I picked the right time to become the stay at home dad.

I do have to find the time to work on my Chinese project that went on hold the day that Becky broke her water. But it's hard to get in the zone and focus when 90 percent of my time at the computer is me typing with one hand and coming up with creative ways to keep the bottle in Josie's mouth.

I need to change this t-shirt. It's like one of those t-shirts they sell at the beach that say "Damn Gulls" with the droppings scattered on the fabric.

paperwork done

after a few weeks of being confused, we finally got Josie lined up for a baptism. got to get the devil out of her. she won't truly be baptized until we take her to a Redsox game and she gets dipped in the water used for Fenway Franks

The Endless Night

Why does the baby stay up all night and sleep all day? Is this God's revenge for my college years? Except the baby isn't eager to hit the Cat's Cradle and an after party. The baby doesn't want to go to I-Hop. The baby just wants to stare at me, suck down her bottle and scream whenever I close my eyes.

I'm going to solve this problem by moving next door to the ether plant.

cause and effect

The moment you look across the room and see the wipe up cloth on the sofa is the exact moment the baby will puke up her bottle on your shirt. It's the father-daughter mental bond.

She's Huge!

Josie now has grown big enough that her feet and head can barely touch the bassinet. The kid is a string bean. I should be getting calls any day from beach volleyball coaches.

nope

I'm not going to have strings pulled to send Josie to Hogwarts. that place doesn't look safe

Tongues Untied

I'm finally communicating with Josie although not in a Harvard study approved way. We've now taken to sticking our tongue out at each other. I give her the tongue and she'll open her mouth and waggle her tongue at me. It's so sweet and tender and will probably bite me on the ass when she tongue waggles the wrong person.

Does that make them cranky

It seems like Josie is bigger today than on Monday. i'm wondering if part of why she gets cranky is growing pains. not like the baby cares to point at what hurts. They're kinda like an old boss who'd rather scream for an hour than tell you what needs to get fixed.

Day 4

this afternoon I had a phone interview the director of A Haunting in Conn and the woman who got spooked. I had Josie on the bed, She got a bottle while I chatted. At the end of the chat with the director, Josie decides to audition as a Scream Queen. Unfortunately he doesn't want to do another horror flick at the moment. Otherwise she's be the youngest Jamie Leigh Curtis impersonator.

this happens

Becky told me that this morning, Josie was sound asleep when the baby let loose a fart so loud it woke herself up.

that smell

Josie farts more than a Benny Hill marathon. I think the first thing she'll say is "Pull my finger!"

snob

during lunch today, Josie announces that she's sick of drinking domestic baby formula.

not there

we bought the teddy bear that makes the heart beat and organ noises to calm down the baby into reminding her of womb time. However it's had the opposite effect. Josie goes nuts when we turn it on. I think she suspects we're going to shove her back inside.

An inch?

Becky swears Josie has grown an inch today. The kid is now nearly filling the Pack-n-Play's bassinet. This baby is going to be a stringbean. I should be getting phonecalls from college basketball coaches soon. need to teach her the sky hook tomorrow.

Clutch Cargo

Unexpectedly Josie reached out and grabbed her giraffe rattle. Countdown for her stealing my car keys has begun.

Success!

Becky came home and the baby was looking happy and clean. She won't be calling social services on me.

My Brilliant Career

Today is the first day of Daddy Daycare. Amazingly enough Josie didn't try to outlast me last night. We had one wake up at 3:30 for milk and back to bed for the two of us until Becky woke up at 6:30 to give her a proper feeding and let me have a little nap. It feels good to watch her during the day instead of shuttling her off to a stranger. Especially since all she does is sit in the rocking chair and drink milk. When she gets to be a human tornado, that's when it's worth paying someone to suffer.

not a good excuse

I've been informed to never try to get out of a wet diaper by claiming it might just be a case of camel toe.

boom

it's the 4th of july and i don't think josie can see far enough to care about fireworks. next year she'll be ready for bright explosions

guide to fuzz

not that Josie is ready to watch TV, but I turn to Sesame Street. There's a whole bunch of new monsters. I need to figure out their names and roles so I can have answers when Josie tries to out smart me with Monster Jeopardy

The trip

Let it be known that nobody really goes on a vacation with a 5 week old baby. It's like going on Spring Break with a friend with the worst fake ID in the world. She's up all night. She's puking at odd hours. She's never away without a bottle between her lips. And she's always putting her face into breasts. I should have entered her in the latest "Be Paris Hilton's BFF."

Most of the vacation was spent shuttling the baby around to see various relatives around the lake. Luckily they fed us while playing with the baby.

ick

Josie puked a river on my t-shirt. at least I know she has a future as a fashion model

Baby Acne....

Josie is barely 4 weeks old and she already has zits. Well it's baby acne which is just something that happens and supposedly clears up in a couple months. But it just feels bad that she's already got a teenager face.

damn vampire baby

My child is a nocturnal creature. Last night she pretty much kept me up until 5 a.m. I was able to take a semi-nap while watching Ultraman at 2 a.m. The kid did sleep through Matlock - it was the one where he's reunited with Don Knotts. Maybe I just need to have Matlock playing in her room. Normally I can take the marathon night, but I had to wake up to drive Becky over to her office. Maybe I should just black out the windows and fake her into thinking it's dark at noon and then blast light through the bedroom windows at midnight so she gets fooled into a routine

Trash Day

Now I have to remember to talk the trash to the street every week since it's full of stinky diapers. If they sit in the can too long, the United Nation's Biochemical Specialists will arrive to declare I've broken the Geneva Conventions.

It is so stanky. I think possums are writing Congress to investigate our rubbish.

My day!!!

It's my first father's day and Josie is spending most of it sleeping. She didn't even think of making me french toast or buying me a tie.

Prep

This morning I'm awoken to Josie screaming. She keeps going continually for too long, but yet I don't lose my cool. I think all those years of listening to King Diamond have allowed me to be at ease around such prolonged outbursts. Perhaps this is how John Lennon felt while doing take after take of Yoko Ono "singing."

That's the excuse

I believe that Josie got jealous of my relationship with the DVD remote control. She ate it in hopes that she'll receive all the love and attention I give the remote. Baby's don't make much sense in their rash behavior. The hospital says there's no way they'll ultra sound Josie's stomach since the remote control is twice as big as her mouth.

baby did it

I can't find the remote control to the dvd player. I'm blaming Josie

Why Not A Show for Me?

WE has this "The Mom Show" with a bunch of moms talking about raising their babies and kiddies. Where the hell is the show for the stay at home dad? There's got to be more than just me attempting to raise a kid. Why not a show with a bunch of horrified fathers asking those questions like "how the hell is this normal?"

Ahhhhhh

So last night at 4 a.m. my worst diaper nightmare struck. I semi-woke up to change Josie's diaper. I put her on the changing table and undid the straps. After I got the old diaper carefully off, I looked down and realized....well this is what Becky swore I said at that desperate moment, "It's still coming." I won't disgust you with details other than it just was a nasty mess at a barely waking hour. Luckily Becky helped me clean up.

I haven't seen that type of mess since Wendy's shut down their Super Bar.

new from Hasbro

Josie now has Kung Fu grip

luckily she only snags my finger

Lucky day

We took Josie to the doctor for her 3 week check up. Turns out she now ways 7 pounds and 11 ounces. I took this as an omen so all afternoon we've been playing at an online casino. Amazing how at such a tender age, she knows when to double down. Looks like her college fund will get her to DeVry.

the joy of being unstylish

Everytime Josie decides to puke, I'm grateful for my collection of Redsox t-shirts that only cost $4 a pop. I think my really nice shirts will be hidden away in the closet - far from the projectile action.

three cries

these are the simple days when Josie's cry means one of three things:

feed me
change my diaper
let me hear your heartbeat

I fear the day her cry means "let me hold the tv remote." that's the day I might drop her off at the fire station.

Teasing helped

By keeping Josie stimulated for the last two hours before my bedtime, she didn't spend all night staring at me. She slept until 4 a.m. for the feeding/diaper change. And then she fell asleep again. I woke up refreshed instead having "campaign eyes."

While Josie's eyes can't see far enough to see the TV screen, I shouldn't have the volume up while watching the screener DVD of Showtime's old "Hunger" TV series. She doesn't need to hear so much bloodsucking.

Fuss it out

I keep Josie up longer than usual in hopes she'll sleep through the night.

I do want to make her understand that she can walk up in the middle of the night and not just stay up all night staring at me.

I can swap war stories!

Finally I get to say, "well it was like this when we went to the birthing center" instead of merely saying, "Is that how it really is?"

exorcist time

the baby over milked and my t-shirt paid the price

I'm Shrinking

Primitive tribes believe that you can steal a piece of their soul with a photograph. Walking around with a box of diapers and baby wipes is pretty much a signal to others that you have no social life. It's like the guy at the register doesn't even say, "Have a fun weekend" cause they know you're just dealing with a lack of sleep and the smell of baby poop. And they don't even want to mention that much. It's like telling your pitcher, "Hey, you're throwing a no-hitter." Except it works in reverse for the fear. If they kid me about having a newborn baby, their significant other is going to get knocked up.

so now i shop as a complete outcast.

It's that day!!!

This morning we went to the OB/GYN. This was kinda funny since we took that baby along. June 12 was supposed to be her due date. So in a way, we celebrated the doctor who delivered her getting to see her on the predicted day. I kept asking if we could now do the 3-D ultrasound picture of the baby since now she wouldn't look so scrunched in the photo. I was informed that they can't ultrasound the baby after they pop out. That's just wrong.

I'm old

While Becky's putting together her breast pump, I have to get her the cleaned O rings. I mention the space shuttle disaster and O rings. she hasn't a clue

Beats

The experiment last night of just taking the baby to bed when I'm good and ready was a semi-failure. I thought that the power of Jack Lord would put her to sleep. But no. The baby outlasted me on the sofa. Becky had to come down and wake us up to go to bed.

So now we're going to buy the teddy bear that makes in the womb noises to see if it enticed Josie into falling asleep on a space other than my chest. People seem to swear by it.

stomach issues

I know the kid has a tiny stomach so she'll wake up in the middle of the night needing a fix of juice. But she doesn't understand that she can sleep between feedings and diapers. I keep trying to get her interested in the crib, but you can't do much to the crib cause of the whole issue about newborns suffocating on blankets. Maybe if I install a mini-bar and a flat screen, she'll be less prone to whine when dropped on the mat. Although she'll probably complain about us not getting Monster HD.

Why don't kids understand that they must go to bed so that we can be adults for a few minutes before sleep kicks in?

Personality Crisis

I'm really still waiting for Josie's personality to kick in. So far the kid spends most of the day passed out, pooping in her diaper and sucking down drinks.

My kid's a stoner.

Do they have baby rehab? Maybe I can get her booked on Dr. Phil next week? "You can't lie around all day sucking on your mama's teats. The free lunch is over," Dr. Phil would say.

Another tale of the day

Becky sits in the passenger seat of the car. She keeps the pillow over her wet pants. Luckily we hit the beltline before rush hour so there's no completely insane idiots cutting around the highway. We know where to go - the Rex Birthing Center. The problem is we have no clue what's going to happen there. When we finally got a facility tour booked, it was for June 2.

I'm not quite sure of what sort of "package" options they have. Some of these birth centers go out of control with the pleasures. Four star meals, Broadway touring companies and donkey rides could be options. I'm frightened that they'll shift us into the Rockefeller suite with the gold plated stirrups and diamond encrusting puke buckets. Although with my luck we'll get the Clark Rockefeller treatment.

I dump Becky at the front door of the center and head around to the parking deck. She's still not feeling any contractions so I have no need to race inside with her screaming "Medic! Medic!" Instead I slowly walk from the deck with the pressing thought that my afternoons of leisurely working on articles are pretty much over. I'm going to be a dad. I need to start pricing shotguns to keep Marilyn Manson from hitting on my daughter.

Twin day

we're doing our best to let Josie know that she doesn't need to always sleep on my chest. But I was enjoying being a vibrating heating pad. I'm built for comfort. I'm getting jealous of her crib.

While becky's mom watched Josie, we went over to Target. Normally when I go shopping, I rarely run into someone I know. It's like I'm in the witness relocation plan. But on a Monday afternoon I run into two pals. One had his wife and little daughter with him. They were looking for sheets for the girl's first twin bed. The other had just been told his wife is having twins. I guess that's a coincidence. If given the choice, i'd go for the twin beds. I can't imagine two babies sleeping on my chest. I can barely type with one hand.

the day with Josie is reduced to sleep, drink and poop. Once she can surf on the net, Josie will be mini-me with combable hair

New world mom

I don't think that as a baby breastfeeding, my mother ever said, "hurray boobies!" as I suckled.

How it began

So last Wednesday Becky and I visit her OB/GYN in the morning. The check up goes well. Nothing to worry about. They make an appointment for next week. I feel safe in thinking Josie won't be arriving until June 12 - the day analog TV goes away.

Back at home, I finish up writing my interview with director Wayne Wang. It's a tough gig as I attempt to avoid putting "Wang said" next to any quotes that have any "Beavis and Butthead" snicker quality. I file the interview and relax. The phone rings. It's Becky. "You need to bring me a new pair of pants and underwear." After a pause she says, "You need to take me to the hospital." I'm in a complete state of shock with a candy coating of denial.

Luckily I remember to grab the little suitcase even though she didn't mention it.

I arrive at her work and take the elevator up. The doors open and there's Becky holding a pillow over her crotch. She thinks her water broke. Her co-workers help us out to the car. We're not in a major rush because she's not having contractions. There's no "get me to the hospital" screaming or running red lights. I probably could have grabbed lunch at a drive-thru, but that would have been pushing it.

a whole week

it's been a whole week since Josie arrived. She still hasn't finished up her resume. She's never going to get a gig at Trader Joe's at this rate.

for rent

forget a crib, Josie can sleep for hours on my stomach. I really ought to rent out gut space for other families. "The Human Heating Pad" would look good as a Craigslist title.

No!!!!

I was informed by the manager that the kids eat for free at Hooters doesn't involve breast feeding. So much for that place being family friendly.

Henry

David Lynch's Eraserhead makes pure sense now.

He's an influence

Back at the hospital, Josie was napping. My mother-in-law starts cooing over her and asks, "What are you dreaming about, Josie? Are you dreaming about puppies and kittens?"

At that moment, my mind was taken over by Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory." I told my mother-in-law that Josie couldn't be dreaming of puppies or kittens since she's never encountered them in her life. She can only dream about the things that have been within two feet of her since babies don't see that far away. Odds are that she's either dreaming about having blood drawn or us. But no animals since they don't allow pets to freely roam the hallways of a birthing center.

And Now My Status

Josie comes home tomorrow meaning I'll have to be the dad of the house. I have to have answers. I have to explain that things must be done or else.... On the plus side, I won't be the only person up and looking for a drink at 3 a.m.

I figured out that the TV dad I will probably end up resembling is Herman Munster. Josie will look at me as a hulking, child-like guy who turns green whenever he changes her diapers.

And for those keeping score at home, I've yet to do a diaper since Becky, the nurses and my mother-in-law see it as a bonding experience. I was weirded out by an article about how changing a diaper should be the way a father bonds with the baby since the mother bonds by breast feeding. What sort of trade is that? Hours of skin contact and nurturing milk versus removing the stinkiest of the stankies. And even when you do it, the kid still cries in protest as you put the new diaper on. There's no hours of cooing as they suck away.

Tomorrow I get to put the warning on the doorbell to never ring it unless you want to change the kid's diaper.

ouch

While "priming the pump" by letting Josie suck on my pinky while mom gets ready for the breast feeding, I kept having a flashback to "It's Alive!" Thank goodness my kid isn't a cannibal baby or I'd lose my sophistication finger.

Teaching the kid

Well it seems teaching Josie how to breast feed worked out well on day 2. I let her suck on my pinky for a while to get her to understand what to do. This was a weird process because for the past 9 months, the food comes in through the belly button. How do you let her know the mouth thing does more than make noise and let you breath? Just got to let her know the instinct is worth pursuing instead of fearing that it can't be right.

From here on in, it's all my fault when she keeps putting stuff in her mouth - cause I did give her permission.

Day Two

I think Josie knows my voice. It's strange to hold a baby and know that it's not just a fun thing. Nope. The kid is serious business.

She now wears a knit hat and the knit Maryjanes that Becky made. When will Josie think she must accessorize? When will she recognize stuff as hers and not merely stuff we put on her to amuse ourselves while taking pictures?

It happened

After Becky lost her water while working at her desk at 4 p.m. yesterday. I rushed her to the hospital at a regular speed since she wasn't having any contractions.

Gruesome details will follow in the coming days.

But the main thing is that Josie was born at 10:14 a.m. She's 6 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long. She even has a full head of combable hair.

That noise

anytime becky makes a noise, I'm in complete fear that the contractions are starting and I need to call the ob/gyn. am I dressed for a baby? Really should have a 3 piece suit so Josie understands this is a formal occasion.

And there it goes

The mucus plug fell out this afternoon. This means Josie should be popping out. It's not quite as accurate as the turkey button. Dr. Spock said this could signal the kid arriving a week or two. Although a friend of ours said when her plug came out, the baby showed up the next day. I really need to clean up the house at this point so I don't have to worry about what it looks like when Josie comes home. The last thing I need for her home and her first words being, "What a dump."

I do wonder what Mr. Spock says about mucus plug and labor distance.

that would have been cool

Moonlight Bunny Ranch's Dennis Hof sent me an invite to a party he's hosting at the Playboy Mansion. Unfortunately Becky is at that no fly stage. But I can't help thinking it would have been extra cool to have Josie being delivered as a water birth in the Playboy Mansion Grotto.

I can't imagine anything cooler than her getting to tell people when they ask where she was born getting to say "The Playboy Mansion Grotto!" Maybe the only thing that could top is if Becky gave birth in the Jungle Room at Graceland. But is it safe to expose a baby to that much shag carpeting and tiki furniture?

The big problem with the grotto would be the fear that my child would have come into organic matter belonging to Fred Durst and Drew Carey. I don't think they sanitize the place that good between parties. Also I think Hefner would stick me with the tab for having to sanitize and refill the pool. He wouldn't get me a discount deal either since he'll be jealous that he didn't try this stunt with either of his sons.

Although someday Josie can always claim in her autobiography that her father plotted for her to be born in the Grotto and blessed by the waters that once cleansed the soul of James Caan.

Worst Idea Yet

The other day there was a news report about the various child beauty contests for little kids. They even had 2 month old babies in contests. As if 2 month old babies can do that much besides look like bags of sugar in doll clothes. What's the point?

That got me thinking for the next level is kiddie Beauty pageants: Little Miss Fetus.

The pregnant mothers get wheeled out. The judges watch a monitor while the moms receive ultrasounds. Who has the prettiest baby in the womb?

The only downside is there's no way to get the moms to pay for accessories and dresses for a fetus. Although there will be the mom who wants to win so bad that she'll have a doctor insert dentures and hairpieces into the womb to jazz up their baby.

Almost time

So now we're at barely two and a half weeks until Josie is due. We really did buy a plastic covering for the bed. I'll put it on today so it doesn't become a big old sponge when Becky's water breaks. How much do you think they'd charge for such an experience at Great Wolf Lodge?

Hopefully that ugly image will cause someone to get really grossed out the next time a co-worker talks about taking his family t the hotel/water park, then I've done my work.

shopping

whenever I go shopping and see someone pushing around a baby, my new reaction is wondering how old the kid is and what can he do. Mostly not much seems to be the answer up to 16 months. Guess i'll have to return Baby's First Arc Welding Set.

There Won't Be Blood

I won't have my chance to beat up a product engineer this morning. After deciding to lower my IQ to a rabid chimp, I made the pack n play work. It's not stable and complete. I don't even have any missing parts once I figured out the secret of the metal bars and the tiny screws. It almost feels stable enough for a squirmy Josie.

The unexpected thing is the pack n play is the size of a VW Bug. Or at least an East German Trabant. Probably gets better mileage than a Trabant at this point.

The good news it that the newborn bart of it has the kid almost at eye level for my desk chair. I'll be able to work on the computer and watch TV while keeping the left side of my eye on Josie. Plus I can touch her while typing.

grrrrr

turns out I don't need tools to put together most of the pack-n-play. Trouble is I can't get the handrails to lock. I'm about to rip it apart as I wrestle it around the living room. There's a weird handle it the middle of the floor and self-locking rails that I got the long ones to catch, but not the little ones.

What product design moron put this thing together. If I knew where they lived, I'd go to their front door, ring the bell and when they answer, I'd beat them with it until it locked. And the thank them for their assistance.

Break out the tools

I've promised Becky that tomorrow I'll construct the pack n play - what was formally known as a play pen. It will be the first step of turning the living room into a baby room. This will be the big moment of admitting the kid is coming and she'll be a part of my domain. Sure changing the guest room into the nursery was a big change, but if I close the door, I don't have to think about what's going on. My living room is different. it's where I live. This is the room with my computer, my desk chair, my bookcases that has signed editions from Jackie Chan, Ric Flair, Kurt Vonnegut and Ed McBain, my record cabinet that has all the vinyl I collected in college, all my DVDs and my grandfather's bowling trophy. Pretty much everything that my wife says look like I've taken over her life.

And now here comes the pack n play. Why can't babies just sit on the sofa and use the coffeetable to hold their bottles? They act so damn helpless.

I should put plastic up over the bookcases as a drool guard.

Now I have to use tools and make sure I follow the instructions since I don't need Josie to whine about daddy's innovative designs on a pre-packaged product. Plus I can't let holes cause she'll just escape and I'll be looking like the idiot.

Is this right?

I keep debating if I need to swap out some of my movie lobby cards that line the staircase. Should Josie be looking at a photo of Roman Polanski from "The Tenant?" Not that babies are born with a large amount of film history. In fact Becky has informed me that my dream of having Josie copy editing my column won't be happening anytime soon. Turns out there's an epidemic of Baby Illiteracy in America. What happened to our country's Fetal Education Programs? When does Head Start begin? When babies are somehow "ready for it?"

uuuummmmmmm

While shopping at BJs, I ended up in the diaper aisle. I was petrified with fear while looking at the various boxes filled with differently designed diapers and sizes. This is my future space for the next two years. I'm the guy I used to think "that's your problem, buddy" as he balanced boxes of Huggies and Pampers on top of his cart. Or him on the cellphone cause he can't remember the kid's diaper size.

What really works? What will become my biggest nightmare? Why can't you housebreak a baby like a dog? Can't I just put a litter box in the room? That would be so much better.

Like everything else in the universe, the easy way never is the way things get done

at least I don't have to deal with safety pins.

Maybe not that fast?

I'm probably cursing myself by typing this, but during our visit to the Ob/Gyn, the doctor said that while the kid is moving down, it doesn't mean Becky is about to pop her out. It could happen in a few days or last until the due date. He expects Becky to make next week's appointment with a bump.

But now that I've typed that piece of news, I expect to get a phone call from Becky at any minute telling me to get her at work and rush her to the hospital.

Going Lower

Becky came home with the news that Josie has slipped lower in her belly. Has the countdown clock started? We still haven't visited the birthing center to see what weirdness we can get away with in the delivery room. Do they have cable? Cause if I'm going to have to sit there for hours massaging Becky's back and helping her breathe, I'd like to be able to watch the Match Game marathon. I think it'd be best for Josie to hear the joy of Charles Nelson Riley laughing after she pops out.

Seeing how were only a few weeks from the due date, I'm not in complete panic mode over this news. She should be big enough for the onesies we've been given at the various showers. I don't have any menthol cigarettes for her. Those are smoother on a baby's lungs.

Small Steps

During a shower, Elena let me hold her daughter while she had to go to the bathroom. The kid is 6 months old. She still doesn't do too much although she'll grab things within her reach. At first the baby was crying. I had a fear of another Sarah situation, but after patting her, smiling and saying nice things she calmed down. Eventually Elena came back, but it felt good to know that I can keep a baby girl happy for 24 minutes. Soon I'll get to expand this to 24 hours.

wrap it up

During a shower, Becky was talking to a pal who is also pregnant. She suggested we get a plastic sheet for the bed in case Becky's water breaks during the middle of the night. It makes sense. But now I'm going nuts thinking about all the various places that becky might soak. My mind turns to plastic wrapping like a elderly aunt would do to her living room. Maybe I should just pack a poncho for when she sits on things we can't afford to soak. or just swap out the living room furniture with plastic deck chairs that can be hosed off.

The Shower Season Wraps Up

After this weekend we'll be done with the showers. I still have to do cards for the last one. Why don't people put their addresses on the gifts?

Hopefully after this weekend I'll have enough diapers to cover the first three days of Josie being home.

Far as I can tell from our baby registry at Target, nobody bought Josie the 70 inch HD-TV. I guess they figured out that it was not directly for the baby. Don't they understand with that screen, I can shoot life-size home movies of her.

I can reuse that!

While cleaning out my parent's old house, I found my "J" wall hanging. And I realize that I can now stick it on the wall in Josie's room and she won't know the difference. She won't know the J was for "Joe." Babies can be duped. And then when she gets nasty with me, I'll say, "That J stands for Joe!" And it will cause her to go into a stunned silence and reexamine her entire life.

Calm down

If I didn't have a calm attitude to life, I'd probably freak out everytime Becky goes through a hormonal mood swing. And there's lots of them. It's like the cruise ship, you just keep one hand on the boat and the other hand ready to grab whatever will help or just hide your eyes.

A month?

What will arrive first: the awarding of the Stanley Cup or the arrival of Josie? There's about 4 weeks to go before delivery date. It's getting more real every time Becky comes home and I feel Josie squirming around in her belly. The nursery is almost set.

I keep getting the strange self doubts about me being responsible for a kid. I've never raised anything. I can't remember the last time I had a pet for longer than a week. The only thing that ever grew in my old place was the kudzu that came through a crack in the floor. Now I have more than that. I'll have a kid who will be pretty much need my exclusive help for at least three years when it comes to eating, pooping, drinking, driving, putting on clothes and being taken to bed. Nothing will be easy. It won't be just like I stare at her for a few hours and then return her to the responsible parents.

It's not like I got anything else to get in the way of being a parent.

Get Mine on the Outside

Yesterday was the last quiet Mother's day for the foreseeable future. Josie gave her a couple extra kicks to celebrate the day. Next year she'll be responsible for making mom breakfast in bed. What's interesting is Josie should be on the outside for Father's day. I wonder if she'll be old enough to buy me a necktie.

It's gotten worse

The swelling on Becky has gotten worse. In addition to suffering from Flintstones Feet, she's got a malady that many high level Nobel Prize winning physicians call "Hotdog Fingers." She couldn't cut cheese this morning. It's so sad. I'm calling up John Stamos to arrange a telethon.

Visions of the future

Waking up this Saturday morning, I had the sneaking feeling that someday soon, I'll have Josie at the edge of the bed poking me to wake up and make the cartoon start.

This Saturday morning Comedy Central has Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams as part of a Wake and Bake special. I'm guessing this would not be good Saturday morning fun.

Will Sting perform?

I'm going to have a major benefit concert at Madison Square Garden to help prevent the further spread of Flintstone Feet. With any luck the BC-52s will sign on.Kevin Costner and Steven Seagal will duet unless a corporate sponsor pays $2,000,000 to the cause.

works for me

Becky's OB/GYN let me know that "Flintstone Feet" is not a real medical term for pregnant women's feet when they swell. I think it would sound great on a Creepy Pharmaceutical ad. It's better than Restless Leg Syndrome.

holding

Whenever i can snuggle with Becky, I spread my hand out on her belly. I view this as a way to make contract with the young'n. Hopefully Josie will recognize my palm after she's been born. Becky swore Josie snuggled into my hand the other day.

It's really hard to bond with unborn babies. They don't have much of a view and can only interact by kicking. I wonder if she thinks I have a mustache.

Thank you notes

Spent the afternoon writing the Thank You cards to the folks that brought stuff to the baby showers. It's kinda strange having to talk about how the baby will be using the diapers in a few weeks. Not so much strange as a dark foreboding of odor is on the horizon. All the nice baby stuff will be covered in drool.

I wonder when a baby gets the idea that they really need stuff hits them. After a few months of floating around inside Becky's belly, how does Josie get a sense of "that's mine" incorporated into her mindset. Although since she's got my genes, the act of collecting weirdness will be imprinted. I know she's going to steal my Wacky Package collection.

there you are

I saw the baby's butt poking up from Becky's stomach. This kid will be a mooner.

She had an craving

Becky for no real reason bought Pumpernickel bread. We never eat pumpernickel. Wonder if Josie is going to be a deli kid?

Hello in there!

This morning we went back for the checkup. They had us do another ultrasound to see how big Josie really is since Becky's got a big ol' bump. After being extra active this morning, Josie was resting when we took a peek inside. I'm starting to wonder if the ultrasound relaxes a baby. Maybe if you hit a newborn with an ultrasound wand, they'll quiet up. Wonder if I can get a creepy child hospital research center to fund this theory of mine.

The woman working the ultra sound said Josie is now 5 pounds and 14 ounces. She'll probably be around 9 pounds when born. I want to go down to the Harris-Teeter to see what a 9 pound frozen turkey feels like. Although I can't let Becky see this cause then she'll wonder how that mini-Butterball is going to pass through a 10 cm gap. No need to have her worry with physical evidence.

The ultimate good news is that Josie is already growing hair. This means that I won't have to hear any jokes about Josie having my hairline or which one of us was just born. She's going to be combed at birth.

There's blood in dem der cords!

We keep getting mailers about storing the baby's cord blood. I'm not sure of the advantage since it was pointed out that if the kid does have an issue, the cord blood should have that same issue.

The price for having the blood stored is about the same as sending the kid to Disneyland for a few years. We figure we'll just donate it to the local service. It's a miracle there isn't a service promising to freeze your baby's soiled diapers. They'll defrost them when in the future there's a truly green way to dispose of them. Bet I could find quite a few folks in Hollywood eager to make such an effort.

More space for the baby

after months of talking about it, becky put an old dresser that was left by a former roommate on Craigslist. It took about 30 minutes for someone to offer to take it away - and that includes carrying it down the stairs. I'm not in the mood to bust my back.

With the dresser out of the way, we'll be ready to finish up Josie's room. I still have the lobby card for Heaven's Gate over the crib. Is that a bad omen for the baby? Or am I just hinting that babies take a lot of production time, run over budget and have Christopher Walken in a supporting role?

Do need to take down all the movie lobby cards that are along the staircase. Don't need them bumped and busted by the dresser movers.

countdown to fun

One of the unexpected baby shower gifts is a digital timer that lets me know when the last time the baby has had a bottle, nap and diaper change. No more guessing games for me. I won't have to remember if I changed her diaper before or after I began watching the Jake and the Fatman marathon. It's nice to have a reminder since baby's are notoriously lazy and rarely keep track of time. They're loafers.

a new position

we've hit the time when the only way we can swap sides in the tub while showering is if Becky sticks her belly against the shower curtain. The butt to butt pass isn't as fun, but we must do what we must be done - otherwise becky will never get properly scrubbed.

that ain't right

There was this article that had a mom boasting that her daughter had never seen a single cartoon. As if that's a badge of honor that her kid has never seen a frame of animation. I fear Josie watching really dumb stuff like Strawberry Shortcake, Carebears and Lil Bush. But I won't deny her a chance to enjoy Looney Tunes, Flinstones and Josie and the Pussycats.

I'm not sure if I want her to see Handy Manny. I can't allow her to think my tools are living creatures and might feel pain when in use.

oh that smell

We get lucky when Becky finds a breast pump for a great price on Craigslist. Luckily the person selling it to us wasn't a homicidal med school student. We drop by their place to get it. The couple have 2 kids. Their house smells like kids. DiId I make my parents house smell like that? How fast will it be for me to not notice that odor? When do kids stop making things smell like kids? Maybe Axe makes a body spray for babies?

Shopping for baby

I have survived a trip to Babies-R-Us with my wife and mother-in-law. We went to pick up items that weren't given at the two baby showers. This mainly consisted of the Pack and Play (since Playpen sounds to confining), a babysling and the ladybug sheets for the crib. But there's always the fear of what else will they toss into the buggy.

My first rule was to never stand between my wife and her mom. Who knew what they'd force me to hold and declare as precious.

The one thing they did stock that I wanted to buy the baby was a Wii. I can't think of any baby that wouldn't want to play with one - or just watch their father enjoy himself playing Madden football on the TV. Becky informed me that we wouldn't register for that. Instead we bought me a macho diaper bag that can hang from the stroller. That's such an even swap.

During the shopping, I passed by a guy who was pushing his baby around on a stroller. I swear he flashed me the "run while you can" look. But I can't because there will be nowhere to hide. Especially when my mom comes after me.

At the end of the trip, we didn't buy up the store.

transition

The guest room closet that was once filled with my VHS tapes is now flowing with little girl outfits. of course the first several months Josie will be kept in onesies or t-shirt and diaper. No need to overdress a baby in the summer time. And no need to spend too much money on a baby's t-shirt. Although the "Hooter's Waitress in Training" t-shirt is tempting.

Hurry up and wait

You sit around imagining all the things the kid will be doing with the baby shower stuff. It's a nice daydream until you run into a one year old kid and realize there ain't much stuff going on with them. They're not quite at the little people phase. Josie will pretty much be like that animatronic seal pup that was featured in Mechanical Love.

That's why they say that

Lately Becky's been complaining about how her feet have become swollen. They're becoming Flintstone sized feet. But this now explains the whole "keep her pregnant and barefoot" line. It's not the guy who is keeping his woman without shoes - it's the wife realizing her old footwear hurts.

They really should make pregnancy shoes with elastics to expand during these advanced months.

More stuff

We had the second baby shower and got more diapers. I think this means we'll have enough to cover the first week of Josie home from the hospital. After that, she better be ready for the toilet.

But I got 2 of them!

Thanks to the first baby shower, we now have 2 Boppies. I don't even know what to do with 1 Boppy. Although I've been told they are very good for the baby and me. Now I have an upstairs Boppy and downstairs Boppy so I won't have to lug it around with the baby. I wonder if there's an instructional video for Boppy use featuring Corbin Bernsen?

Too Cool for School?

During a party last weekend, a bunch of little kids were racing around a backyard being extra noisy. Did I run around screaming like a moron when I was that little?

What really annoyed me was this 2 year old kid scooting around in a black CBGB t-shirt. First I know the kid never went to CBGB. I don't even think the kid can sing a Ramones song - let alone quote me some Patti Smith. I don't want Josie wearing t-shirts that make her seem smarter than she is. Granted she'll strange enough in kindergarten when she declares that the Rolling Stones were best with Mick Taylor. What did that toddler know about CBGB? He might as well be wearing a Plato's Retreat t-shirt. Although that would be a great toddler t-shirt: My Parents went to Plato's Retreat and all they got was this t-shirt and me!

Sure I bought Josie a few Redsox t-shirts, but they were $3 a pop. Which is rather cheap.

I don't want to completely force my taste on Josie. I don't think a kid wants to like exactly what their old man likes. It didn't work for me. Although it does help that my dad has terrible taste.

Maybe I'll get her a Josie and the Pussycats t-shirt. But that's a name joke.